Broken

2 Kings 6:1-6:  An interesting story tucked in scripture…..paraphrased in story form below.  Seriously, fascinating stuff! Don’t scroll past this, please read it!!

An Axe Head Floats

  Because Elisha was so well-known, many men came to him to learn about God. They were servants of God and prophets, too. The place where the men lived as they learned from Elisha was too small for all of them, they needed a bigger place to stay. These men were not wealthy, they spent most of their time learning and studying with Elisha. They did not spend their days working to make money. So if they wanted a bigger place to meet and learn, they would have to build it themselves.

The group of men approached Elisha and told him, “Elisha, the place we meet with you is too small. Let us go to the Jordan River and cut down some trees to build a bigger place.” Elisha said, “That’s a good idea. Go and do it.” “Won’t you please come with us?” they asked. Elisha replied, “I will go.”

Elisha and the group of men went to the Jordan and they began cutting down trees. As one man was cutting down a tree, the iron axe-head fell into the river.

  “Oh no!” he cried. “It wasn’t mine. I borrowed it from my master. What will I do?”

  The axe-head sank quickly to the bottom of the river. It was too deep to go in and find it. It seemed like the axe-head was lost for good.

Elisha asked where the axe-head had fallen. After pointing it out, Elisha cut a stick and threw it to that spot. Amazingly, the axe-head floated to the top! Iron does not float! It was a miracle!

  While Elisha asked God for a miracle to retrieve a lost axe head of all things, consider what he did not ask. Elisha did not ask for a supernatural construction of their new dwelling from the Lord. (I’ll bet they would rather have had God build it!) If God’s prophet could retrieve lost axe heads, then why could he not also miraculously construct buildings?

  The truth is that God is able to do all things, but Elisha did not ask God for such things. What God did provide through Elisha was a tool—an axe head—so that this prophet could cut down trees for construction.

   How many times I have wished that God would do the tough jobs Himself, supernaturally, and not leave any of the hard work to me. But what we read in our text is very true to the way God works:  He provides us with the means—the tools—to do what He has planned, and then He expects us to labor to accomplish it. These “tools” are not just material things, like axe heads, but are divine gifts from God.

—————————————————————————————————

   The reason I shared the above story with you, is because it’s the story of my life. 

See, as I was “clearing the trees” to grow my life, my faith, this blog…..the axe I was given by my Master, broke. 

  In fact, it broke back in July already.  The axe-head broke off and fell deep down into the murky River of Life, and because I am a glass-half-full-kinda girl, I just kept swinging at the tree in front of me, with only the handle of my axe.  Swinging and swinging, hoping to still accomplish something, ANYTHING that could be counted as good and worthy.  Asking the Lord to allow me to continue working, to continue clearing….even with a broken axe.

  But, my arms are tired.  My hits to the tree are fruitless. I’ll accomplish nothing without the sharp edge of my axe head. 

I need a miracle.

I need the Lord to raise up my axe head from the bottom of the river, so I can be productive in life, and on this blog for Him once again. But quietly He said,

“Sorry Tonya, not yet…rest in my arms for I know you are weary. Let Me minister to you for a while.”

  Yes, Father.

 So I come to you today, broken. So very very broken…

I cannot tell you the details of what occurred, what caused my axe head to be lost, because I cannot bring myself to share them with you, so please, don’t ask.

To own the words that would be written would make it all too real.

  It would be a slap in the face all over again.

Just pray for us, please.

Pray for my family, my precious little ones.

The enemy is attacking at all sides. 

    I won’t quit this blog, as my first thoughts dictated, the Lord was the one who asked me to start this, it will be Him who gives me permission to quit.  He said no to quitting, but I will need to slow down, and I do feel I have the Lord’s blessing on that decision.  I need the freedom to choose to NOT come sit at the computer if something arises that I need to work through.   

    But, what about the posts you all respond to most?  Do you know the ones I am referring to? 

  The “Wake-Me-Up-in-the-Middle-of-the-Night, Nudge-From-the-Lord, Time-to Share-From-the-Heart” Posts that I have sobbed through in the past?  The ones that I am usually SO embarrassed to share?  Yup, those. 

  Man, do I love it when you respond to my soul-bearing posts, encouraging me that I am not alone and that this was just what the Lord needed you to hear today.  Telling me my tears were worth it, that I heard Him correctly, that the missed sleep was for His glory after all.  Those kind of posts will have to wait…I’m just too broken right now to share.   (These posts are found in the new “From the Heart” category if you’d like to re-read some of the old ones.) 

The good news is……

  When I am weak, He is strong.

  When I have no words to say, He will say them. 

  As soon as He nudges, I will write from the heart again, I promise you that.  Until then I’ll just keep posting recipes and stories from the Ferguson house as time allows. 

  I know the Lord will miraculously bring my axe head up to the surface one day, sharper than ever.  Then, I’ll know it is time to start swinging away for His glory once again!

Right now?

 I am hurting.

   I have no words to say, no heart-felt nuggets from the Lord to share with you, the tears streaming down my face are all I have to offer. Everything He is speaking to me goes straight to my heart, where I selfishly cling to it.

Someday, this circumstance will be shared for His glory, I know it.

Someday.

But for now?  Just pray.

~T

 

Bible Story resources:

 http://www.theheights.org/preschool_lessons/CStory-ELI-8.pdf

http://bible.org/seriespage/life-and-times-elisha-prophet%E2%80%94-saved-syrians-war-never-happened-2-kings-61-23

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42 thoughts on “Broken

  1. Oh Tonya – how beautifully you expressed your heartache. I’ve been there Sweetie…truly I have. How wonderful you sense God’s direction for your life now, today, in this minute. I’ve been through incredible heartache myself, and can truly testify that God makes NO mistakes. Hang in there – hang on – and keep looking up, knowing that God is using your pain to draw you closer to His likeness. My heart hurts for you – I am writing your name in my prayer journal to be reminded to pray for you daily. NAHUM 1:7 – ‘The Lord is good; a stronghold in the day of trouble; and he knows them that trust in Him’. Thank you for sharing so we can help ‘divide’ your sorrows. Love you Sister!

  2. Tonya,

    You are a wonderful writer. You express your emotions so well. I hope it gets better soon. I’ll be praying for you and your family.

  3. Tonya,

    I have been reading your blog for a few months now and it’s amazing how quickly I feel I have grown to know and care for your family. You write so well and take wonderful pictures so I always feel like I’m right in the middle of the action. I visit your blog daily to keep myself updated on the four little fergusons and truly enjoy seeing the wonderful relationship between you and Dale. Thank you for sharing your good times as well as the bad. I will continue to visit your blog daily and pray for your family. I just want you to know there are alot of people who truly enjoy hearing from you. I will pray things get better soon.

  4. Praying for you with all my heart! God be with you! God will use this to grow you, hard as it is to even think of this now. James 1:2. Then “Look to the Lord and his strength, seek His face always.” Psalm 105:4 And best of all: Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be stong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Keep hanging in there!!!!

  5. T,
    I’ve only come to know you through your posts but I feel like I know you as a dear friend. I’ll be thinking and praying for you and your family during this time. Keep your chin up, hugs….Julie

  6. I am chilled reading your entry today. I pray for you, your husband, your children, your health. I pray for peace and that the loving arms of the Lord are wrapped around you all tightly. Thank you for inspiring me in my daily life as a mother and wife. We don’t know one another, but I have learned from your written experiences and appreciate you opening your thoughts and life to us. God Bless.

  7. Oh Tonya…..how I love you guys!! We’ve only “met” online, but I feel like I know you and your family through your writing. It breaks my heart that you are so hurt right now. I am praying for you, I will continue to pray for you, and I hope you know that you’re not alone in this. It takes a lot of guts to rest when that’s what the Lord tells you to do. May He heal your heart as you obey Him.

  8. Tonya, I will pray for your heart to be encouraged and comforted. And for God’s purpose and plan to be accomplished in you and your family. Praise the Lord for His grace which is always abundant and overflowing to help us in suffering and in rejoicing.

    “He gives grace abundantly, seasonably, constantly, readily, sovereignly. . . . He generously pours into souls without ceasing, and He always will do so, whatever may occur.” C. Spurgeon

  9. I have been following your blog for a couple of months now – and your story has been such a testimony of God’s grace and provision. He has used this blog to speak to me in some big ways, and I thank you for continuing as He has called you. Praying for you and your family right now. God is bigger.

  10. Your blog, especially the posts pertaining to the Lord, has blessed me more than you could know. My prayers are with you at this trying time.

  11. Tonya, Ash showed me this post. I’m praying for you guys…trusting that God’s purposes are perfect despite our sometimes rebellious, human hearts.

  12. Praying for you also. May the Lord draw you nearer during this journey. He is carrying you and that is why you see the one pair of foot prints. :) Blessings to you and yours.

    Jeremiah 29:11-14a
    “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord and will bring you back from captivity…”

  13. Tonya, I’m new to reading your blog, but just wanted to say that I’ve walked through seasons of my life many times when I didn’t seem to know or see any answers in sight. The song, Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him, How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er” has always proved so true. Though I’ve failed Him so many times and others have failed me…..God in His power and wisdom has never let us down. You, my dear sister in the Lord and your precious family, are in my prayers.

  14. Tonya,
    I am new here (only since yesterday did I stumble upon your precious blog), but when I read this post, bu heart immediately went out to you. I pray that whatever is weighing upon you so heavily will soon be lifted by his loving hands. I know your faith will carry you on in the meantime. And meanwhile, I hope to visit regularly and get more glimpses into your wonderful family’s life.

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  16. Oh Dear sweet girl. I am so sorry things are so desperate right now. I keep hoping and praying that something will change and God will lift your burdens of the past year up off of your injured Heart.

    I have lived through years of great difficulty, and I have been in the desperate, yest totally desperate times of constant struggles when the tough things just won’t stop coming even when I wave the white cloth, no not just wave it but in quick purposeful movements quickly move the white cloth back and forth, no not just wave it quickly but literally throw it from side to side with barely the energy to keep the white cloth in the air, when I can hardly keep my hand holding the white cloth above ground where I am laying on my face in the dirt, the wet muddy dirt.

    I will be praying Tonya, praying hard, and I want you to know that if you ever need a listening ear with no judgement behind it, I am always home. I know you have wonderful friends and exceptionally supportive family who are there for you, but I am always here if you ever need me I promise I will drop the crazy poopy diapers and running in 57.5 directions to go hide behind my bedroom door and truly listen to you my friend you have been such a blessing to me this last year and I want to be a blessing to you right back if you need that some time!!!

    Lastly put that joint commitment we went into together away for now. It will hold as long as needed, it is not a neccessity for us to complete that right now at all we are good for the moment and I think your life needs that tiny commitment more right now than our life does and that is just perfectly fine, please don’t worry about that at all, I won’t be thinking about it either O.K.!!!

    I love you my friend!!

    Heather

  17. I’m praying for you Tonya. Though I dont know your hurt, I have been feeling many of the same things you spoke to above in the past month. The Lord has shown me some light and I know He will for you too, in time.
    He has been teaching me to praise Him despite my hurts and disbelief. It seems He is doing the same for you.
    I’m not going to give you the standard, “hang in there” or “keep your chin up”. Rather, lay down and rest in His arms and dont feel you have to get up until youre ready.
    Love in Christ.

    • Thank you for not saying the “right thing”. Sometimes its just nice to be allowed to hurt. It reminds me of when we lost all those babies in a row, I was sick of the well-wishing, “They’ll be more…” or “You can always adopt….” or “Only 10 weeks along? That’s not so bad.” What they didn’t know was I was already in love with that little life, madly in love from the moment I saw those 2 lines on the pregnancy test. I just needed to grieve and cry and scream at God if moved to do so. This circumstance is similar. I just need to hurt for a while, to lie in a heap where I fell. I am so thankful that I am a believer so that when I did fall, it was on Jesus. Blessings sweet friend, thank you for taking the time to comment! ~T

      • I just was reading some of these comments, and I know the hurt of losing a baby. “Just six weeks” along, no heartbeats (yes, there were two little ones growing), but so much love! You are right, that it is rare to have others encourage us just to hurt and grieve and rest in the arms of Jesus.

      • Oh man, I am sorry. That is so so tough! God is so gracious though, isn’t He, in all His wisdom to have a plan bigger than we can see. We may never be privileged to see the big picture, the beautiful tapestry He is weaving. Sometimes, we just see strings.
        Welcome to 4 little Fergusons. I am blessed you are here and love your comments. I’d love to share the miracle God worked in my womb and our lives, I blogged it here: http://4littlefergusons.wordpress.com/2010/10/23/4-little-fergusons-4-big-miracles/. Paxton has a miracle story too. His is called “The Story of Paxton”. I am sure you can find it. Hugs, T :)

  18. You are so blessed to be able to share your hearts thoughts with your followers.
    I believe God wants you to continue to Blog as I’m sure what you and your family goes through is also helping those that read your posts.
    I will keep your family im my daily prayers.
    Your love for him is very strong take comfort in that during these tough times.

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  20. I have a friend at church. I as the rest of her Bible Study class members have coined her phrase, “Pray about it!” That is the very best thing any of can do.

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  23. I found your blog when I read your post about mommies on phones that a friend had re-posted. That was a great post, too–“user beware”. Then I saw on your menu, the tab called “surviving infidelity”…I can’t say many things now except I too have seen the hand of God and His perfect grace bring about repentance, confession, forgiveness, and restoration in the lives of some very, very dear people…right in front of my eyes…being able to praise God and trust Him in this kind of struggle speaks of God’s worthiness and perfection. I am anxious to read more of your stories and will keep your family in prayer, for those wounds will heal, but the Enemy loves to try to re-open them and inject fear and distrust all over again. Run, run, to the love and truth and protection of God! Praise Him for giving you courage to share your story. It is already a blessing to me.

    • Beautiful words, just what I needed to hear today. The Enemy is attacking, so hard and fast at times I feel I can scarcely catch my breath before the next attack. Thank you for reminding me who the enemy is, and where my protection lies.

      • I am glad God used my words in that way! Keep fleeing to that ever-ready protection and give all the damaging words, ideas, and thoughts to the One who triumphed over death and sin!

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  26. I have only come across your blog now – I feel for your hurt and your pain, and I rejoice in your blessings and gifts. We all have our burdens to carry, our crosses to bear and if you read my blog, you’ll know all about mine. May God truly and richly bless you. In more ways than you will ever know or have ever dreamt about.

I adore hearing from you, comment away! :)

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