Saving Sex for Marriage: From Forbidden Fruit to Free Rein

saving sex for marriage

    So you’ve saved yourself for marriage, Congratulations!  I know it was difficult, I know you probably got laughed at, and I know the World thinks you are CRAZY now.  But that is ok, sex God’s way is unlike anything you could ask or imagine.  We talked yesterday about the chemical make up of the body.  Your Creator knew just what He was doing, including the release of hormones to make you feel unified afterwards.  Now that is something to say WOO HOO about!

  However, it can be hard to switch gears from the Forbidden Fruit of touch during dating or courtship, to the FREE REIN of Marriage, after your I Do’s……

  Sex is an amazing gift from God, to be opened and enjoyed on your Honeymoon.  And as you know, any peeking or unwrapping of the “gift” before you make your Covenant with Christ, will just take away from the experience later.  {we covered this in yesterday’s post} 

  And on a more serious note, in the Spirit World your body and life, actually intertwine with your sexual partner.  This is why having sex with anyone else, just makes trouble. Their life and generational sins have a perfect tunnel right into your married life, like a toxic sewer system.  Breaking free from the bondage of those past relationships is as simple as an outloud prayer session in Jesus name.

  For those that waited to have sex until marriage, it may be hard to switch from the forbidden, or even dirty thoughts of sex, to fully embrace and enjoy it for the gift it is. 

  Sex is an act of Worship.  No joke!  It brings glory to our Creator when 2 become 1 flesh and we enjoy our spouses body.  {Woah baby, have you READ Song of Solomon?!}  He Created Sex for our pleasure, and He created it to keep you married in the tough times, ‘cause HELLOOOO, Make-Up sex is FUN!   

  I was photographing a wedding and was sad to hear Bridesmaids bemoaning how awful sex was to this virgin bride.  WHAT A TRAGEDY!  Sex is a beautiful, amazing, delightful gift to enjoy fully.

Let me share a story with you from Max Lucado:

    A newlywed couple arrived at their ‘bridal suite’ in the wee hours of the morning, after their wedding, with great expectations.  What they were met with was beyond disappointing.  Where were the flowers and fruit and chocolate…and more importantly, the 4 poster bed, they had seen in the brochure?  What a horrible mistake this must be.  Too exhausted – and preoccupied with the promise of the greatly anticipated love-making, they decide to take it up with management in the morning. 

  After an uncomfortable night on a lumpy pull-out sofa in the small, stuffy room, the new husband heads down to the manager’s desk to give him a piece of his mind.  After listening patiently for a few minutes, the desk clerk asks…

”Did you open the door, sir?”

  After sheepishly returning to his room in search of ‘the door’, they open what they had assumed was a closet door, and are left speechless by the extravagance that lays before them.  A stunningly decorated, spacious room, boasting fresh flowers and fruit, chocolates…and the sprawling 4 poster bed.

  Do NOT be afraid to Open this Door on your Honeymoon…….

First in communication!  

  I would strongly encourage you and your fiance, to have a very real conversation shortly before your wedding, about your expectations for your Wedding Night.  

  I can guarantee you, you both will want to approach it differently.  Part of the way God made men and women. :)  

  You ladies may be imagining that you will slowly kiss and make out, and ever so slowly lead up to sex.  If you kissed during your dating relationship, you may be imagining that at the point you used to stop, you simply won’t have to this time.  Your handsome hubby however, may be imagining that the second you get to the hotel, he will drop his pants, and help you out of yours before leaping into bed.  Talking about it ahead of time will help you both be on the same page.

  I was terrified of sex hurting.  I was scared to show Dale my naked body, and I was scared to see his.  We have always had really open communication, so I talked to him about it.  His kind words put me at ease, and you know what blessed me the most?  He said, as long as I can hold you and know you are mine at the end of the day, we don’t even have to have sex that first night.

  Did we have sex the first night?!

HECK YES.  

  But you know what, his words took all the pressure away.  He showed me his heart and allowed me to voice my fears to him ahead of time, totally calming my fears and making me feel safe and loved.  

  So, you’ve had your big day, it was everything you imagined it would be, you are tired of smiling, in fact, your cheeks probably even hurt!  Your feet ache from standing so long or dancing, and now that you CAN open your “Gift”, how does this thing called SEX work?

8 Ways to Turn The No No No’s

Into The Yes YES YES’S

On Your Wedding Night

1.  Take It Slooooooooooooow!

  On our honeymoon night, Dale and I got to our new to us home about 11:30pm.  We didn’t have a dance per church rules, so we just spent time greeting our 600 guests.  We didn’t get to even eat, so our sweet family packed us a picnic basket full of wedding food.  So, we had a carpet picnic on the floor of our bedroom, eating, laughing and talking about our big day.  This is also when we opened the box of Love Letters I had written Dale every birthday from age 13 on and read them to each other. From giggles at the 13 year old scrawl, to tears at the 17 year olds heart felt letter of love and affirmation…we connected heart to heart before we ever moved towards becoming one.

  I felt no pressure from Dale to rip off my clothes and jump into bed with him, although I am sure he would’ve loved that. As I mentioned above, he reassured me that we could wait until another night.

  We spent one night at home before leaving at 5 am for our flight to Maui.  Hindsight is 20-20, we probably would’ve waited one more day before flying out, just to have more intimate time together before a 12 hour flight.  That is a LONG flight when you are newlyweds. 

  Actually that is a long flight when you aren’t, but you know what I mean!  ;)

  Starting slow means kissing and letting it progress slowly, over a period of time, except unlike your dating relationship, there are no brakes.  The Lord designed kissing to lead to deeper kissing, roaming hands, heightened breathing and sensation, for a reason.  Start kissing and watch it happen on its own.  No brakes! No brakes! 

2.  Use A Water Based Lubricant

  This will be your best friend at first, until you get everything worked out. Keep a bottle handy and use it every time, even reapplying during intercourse, as necessary. Nerves will make your body naturally a bit drier. This will remedy itself as your body gets used to intercourse.

3.  Stop After Entry

  I am trying to be as appropriate as possible while still talking about what I mean.  After your bodies become one, stop.  This is a fantastic time to ask your Creator to bless your union.  One of the things I love most about Dale, is from our honeymoon on, he is in the habit of asking the Lord to bless our union before moving forward.  Proclaiming to our Heavenly Father, his love for me and his thankfulness at our life and marriage.  It has always warmed my heart and made me feel cared for.

  Pausing after entry, will also allow the walls of your vaginal muscles to stretch around your husband, and allow for more pleasure and less pain these first months of sex.

4.  BREATHE!

  I am not going to lie, it does hurt at first.  But if you deep breathe, closing your eyes to focus on the good feelings that TOTALLY outweigh the pain of stretching, you can still achieve an orgasm and have some fun.  Breathing means oxygen, oxygen means more blood flow, and more blood flow means…..more FIREWORKS!

5.  You Might Not Achieve An Orgasm From Sex Alone

    Every body is so different, some women orgasm easily during sex, multiple times in fact! It’s super-duper fun if you are blessed with this, but sadly, it is not this way for everyone.  Some women may never orgasm from sex alone, and need some manual stimulation to achieve this.  There is nothing wrong with that, your spouse just needs to know what to do about it.

  Husbands, after you have finished, do NOT roll over and expect that she is done too.  If you haven’t heard her big finish, then it’s up to you to make it happen, Buddy!  This means touching, caressing and kissing her until she finishes, too.  There are some great books by Christian authors that you can read that can help you understand the female body.  And that brings me to my next point….

5.  Sex Is About Pleasing the Other Person

  When sex is about pleasing self, it doesn’t work right.  It basically becomes a self gratifying act to use the other person for your personal release.

  Sex God’s Way, means your entire focus is on pleasing the other person.  And when their focus is completely on pleasing you, and your focus is completely on pleasing them, and their pleasure, it means FIREWORKS for both of you!  And afterwards, both of you may bask in the after glow of it all, as those amazing hormones that was talked about yesterday, make you feel connected and in love! 

6.  Communication is KEY!

  Talking and having fun, is what this process is all about!  Sex is for enjoying each other.  Telling your spouse what you like and don’t like in the midst of intercourse, is key to the success of this physical union.  Your Spouse is not a mind reader!  Give ‘em some verbal cues, honey!

7.  Have A Naked Day

  Every honeymoon needs a Naked Day.  We went to Maui for 7 days, so towards the middle when we were tired and sunburned, we threw a Naked Day and stayed in our condo the whole day, no clothes allowed!  You are your own worst critic, so don’t be shy!  Your spouse loves your body and everything about it. 

8.  If At First You Don’t Succeed….

  Try, try again!

  Don’t be discouraged if this isn’t your Hollywood movie romance scene, that is a lie at it’s finest.  Things may not go to smoothly the first few times.  Laugh it off and try, try again.  Your personal love story is far better than anything Hollywood could ever script.  Throw out those preconceived notions and JUST HAVE FUN with your spouse, and know you are praising your Heavenly Father in your union.

  Can I get an AMEN! & a Hallelujah over here?!

~T

Shared with To Love, Honor & Vacuum’s: Wifey Wednesday!

 

 

 

 

9 thoughts on “Saving Sex for Marriage: From Forbidden Fruit to Free Rein

  1. Tonya, You are doing a wonderful job at writing this all out! Reading thru all this makes me wish that I knew this when we first got married! I am going to be saving these posts and we will use them as a base for when our kids are ready to get married(and even some for now as they are growing).:) I was totally NOT prepared for the honeymoon. I love how you say to talk about it before you get married. That is soo good. We did not have that and I really wish that we would have because we were on different pages that night!
    Keep up the good work! I look forward to each mornings new post and what you are going to write about! <3 and {{hugs}}!

  2. When Scott and I met with our premarital counselor, he had us listen to a series of tapes (back in the day — CASSETTE tapes! lol!) by a man named Dr. Ed Wheat. There were some just for the groom-to-be and some just for the bride-to-be. Somehow the only thing I remember from those tapes was this man, in his thick Arkansas drawl, saying that a girl should slowly stretch herself out before her wedding night. It sounds a little weird, I know, but guess what…it works! No pain!

  3. Well said, Mrs. Ferguson! I believe much of the blame for anxiety surrounding sex after marriage falls on apathetic parenting. 100 years ago, kids grew up on farms. Sex was a part of daily life, livestock is not ashamed to procreate in the great wide open! Children understood the mechanics of sex and how it sustains a species before they lost their cooties! Combine that will parents sharing how glorious married sex is (balanced with how unmarried sex takes away it’s glory), and young people are on a track for a wonderful sex life in strong marriages. Now kids grow up in subdivisions, surrounding themselves with video games and sit-coms that joke about the relevance of marriage and the normalcy of flippant sexual encounters. Now wonder we’re so messed up….

    Society turned sex into a taboo topic of conversation sometime after the 60s and parents adopted a philosophy of waiting until their kids asked about sex instead of bringing up the birds and the bees. What kid is going to volunteer that they’ve got some strange new feelings to their mom and dad before telling their best friends? The church dropped the ball by buying into a “holier than thou”, puristic attitude, encouraging parents and youth leaders to scare kids away from sex with sob stories about teen pregnancy and unrighteous living. Public schools added to the problem with their own scare tactic of showing graphic STD slide shows. Church and society at large compound the issue further by telling young people to delay marriage until their settled in life. Couples now are waiting until their late 20s to get married, early 30s to start having kids. Assuming you are able to have children (ladies have lost 90% of their eggs by 30), if your children follow the suit, you’re 66 before you become a grandparent! It’s doubtful you’d live long enough to see the oldest grandchild graduate high school! We’re got it all wrong.

    Where is this fear of sex rooted? Who would want to dissolve marriages, destroy human connection, limit the growth of the human race, and deify orgasm to the primary (self-centered) focus of any sexually active person? Can you say…….SATAN?!?! (said the Church Lady)

    Parents need to (1) teach their children how wonderful married, monogamous sex is before they learn the opposite from society, (2) add to that how multiple partners destroys the part of sex that makes it wonderful in the first place, and (3) counter the mindset of delaying marriage and children as a burden by encouraging them to marry young (18 – 22) and have children early. I married at 21. 11 years and 3 children later, the only thing I’d possibly change is I would have started having kids at 24 instead of 26. Sex is amazing, but communication and making it a priority is key.

  4. Nice articles!! I have a random question though…you said: “And on a more serious note, in the Spirit World your body and life, actually intertwine with your sexual partner.” Can you tell me where you learned that? Is in the Bible? THANKS!

    • When a husband is united to his wife, the Bible says they become one flesh. In Ephesians, when Paul quotes Genesis he says “This mystery is profound,” then moves back on topic about Christ and the church. This most likely means we cannot really understand the connection between a man and a woman in marriage.
      HOWEVER, we see that Paul says, in I Corinthians 6:16 “Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.”
      We know this is referring to the sex act, and we know that they aren’t really in one literal body, but this helps us to see that in the Spirit realm, there is a connection that takes place.
      We learned this concept from our Marriage Counselor, and he had much more scripture to back it up then I can recall.
      Great question!!!!

      • We are told in Mark 12:30 to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. From this we can understand that we are each made up of four aspects: heart = emotional, soul = spiritual, mind = cognitive and strength = physical. Each of these aspects winds itself around each other to make us the individuals that we are. When a couple becomes “one flesh” as described in Genesis 2, these four aspects of each individual intertwine themselves with those aspects of their spouse, creating that inseparable bond between the two individuals. The two individuals, while still keeping their individual personalities, merge together into one entity. “One flesh” goes so far beyond the physical aspect of a marriage, it is the weaving together of two individuals, which includes all four aspects of heart, soul, mind and strength.

  5. Wow! This has got to be one of the best articles I’ve read on the subject. I’m not gong to lie I blushed some, but even while reading it I could sense your spirit of gentleness and I’m thankful for your blog. Keep up the great work!

  6. Pingback: That 3 Letter Word….. | 4 little Fergusons

I adore hearing from you, comment away! :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s