Dale and I are still on the mend from our year of tragedy turned triumph. I know it, because we still get weary of life and its demands more than we used to. We had been hoping for some time away from life these past few months, and wouldn’t you know, the Lord provided! :)
Dale’s grandparents, who he lived with on the farm all during high school, needed someone to drive their truck from Florida back home. {They are Florida Snow Birds.} So, they were gracious enough to fly both Dale AND I to Florida to help them load the truck and drive it back.
We were so excited! Everything was going well until the night before our flight, I realize I can’t find my wallet.
Which means I can’t find my ID.
Which means I can’t fly, right!?
I tore our luggage, my car and our home apart. OH MY WORD. No wallet.
What was I going to do?
After many, many tears, and much research on Google, I packed an old Drivers licence in my maiden name, my birth certificate, and my SS card, all with my maiden name on them. THEN, I threw in our Marriage license because it showed I was indeed the Tonya Ferguson on the ticket after all.
You better believe I barely slept a wink from 12-2 worrying about it, and we got up at 3 am to get ready to go. {YAWN!} Praise God, they were satisfied with all my ID’s and let me on the plane with no trouble at all, just a joking hint that it’d cost me my cute earrings to get on the plane.
PHEW.
Know where my wallet was?
At Target.
Where I had run errands the day before with all 4 kids and somewhere in the commotion of coats and bags, left it in the cart.
Target, where I had JUST been that night, only hours before our trip, making a return with Dale. Never even guessing my missing wallet was behind the service desk counter, turned in by some nice lady the day before, trip cash and all!
Seriously, what are the odds?! But at least it was safe and sound!
5 hours later, we were in Sunny FLORIDA! {not so sunny, more like COLD, but oh well!} That didn’t stop us from being lazy in the sun!
While we were there, we stayed at my Dad and Drea’s home. They live close by to Dale’s Grandparents, small world, right!?
It was QUIET there with no kids, and we were able to go out to dinner late at night and everything! Just like real grown ups.
Haha! It’s been a while since we’ve been able to do that.
We had a great time and got some much needed shopping done for all of us. They have the BEST bargain stores there!
Great food, great company, just an all around amazing time!
Before we knew it, Grandpa’s were packed up and ready to fly home, and our short little trip was up.
On the way out-of-state, we stopped in at my brother, Chad and sis in law, Lauren’s home to kiss on my sweet baby nephews, Colby & Brayden. They are getting SO big!
Then it was back on the road again, this time 5 more hours upstate {Florida is SOOO long!} to surprise a life long friend at her Beach Wedding! You may remember Kris & Melissa from their engagement session I shared recently.
We caught sweet Melissa off guard. She came over the wooden bridge towards her groom and the beach wedding location and her jaw hit the floor. She told us later, she almost cried. That made our long drive totally worth it!
It was such an honor to be able to be there to witness their I Do’s. Only the Lord could work out the details to such perfection, that we’d be there not only the day of her wedding, but able to make the time of her ceremony as well.
The wedding photographers contract said no cameras at the wedding, so I only have a few of the before shots. It was such a beautiful wedding!!!!! I snagged what I could before packing the camera away. I didn’t want any trouble!
Long before we wanted to leave, it was time to hit the road again, this time for 16 more hours of driving. All went smoothly, until we got into some bad weather in Texas. We just rode it out a bit at a gas station, and praise God it passed quickly without the hail they predicted!
We spent a grand total of 22 hours of travel and poor, poor Dale drove straight through so we could see the kids before school started up the next day. He took 2, 45 minute naps. I was blessed to sleep in 3 hour increments in the back seat of the truck. Poor guy, after we got home and played with the kids a bit, he crawled to bed at 5 for a nap, and slept until 7 the next morning!
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. This is so exciting! A friend of ours from here, has some BFF’s down in Florida that do photography.
So, knowing all we had been through these past few years, she made a couple calls, and got us hooked us up with a Couples Session on the beach! {squeeeee!}
The following photos are taken by Drea, she and Dad hung out and watched our shoot. Before you go, I want to share some of my favorites with you…..she did a great job capturing moments even though we totally were looking at another photographer the whole time!
We had so much fun, with some serious, intimate shots…..
And NOT so serious moments in the mix!
We call this next photo, “Parents of 4”…..
And let’s not forget some Beach side planking with a little Ta Da thrown in…..
In all seriousness, this opportunity was a big deal to us. You have to remember, the last time we were there, Dale re-proposed to me on the beach, as we were fighting for our marriage after “the truth”.
2 years and a whole lot of healing later, it was so amazing to have a photo session on the beach in honor of all that had taken place.
Mel and Jen were so fun to work with, I wish I had thought to get a photo of THEM! They were such sweet girls, and we all had a blast! Even though it was WINDY and super cool out.
Check out this next shot, we were trying to get our feet tangled for a shoe shot, it was so not easy!
Drea did such a good job capturing all the little moments during our photo shoot!
I will have to wait to share the pictures from the actual shoot until I get the disk and release from the photographers, but I just HAD to share some of these today too.
I am proud of how far we have come. It’s been a long, long weary road……..
But God is so, so faithful to walk with us every step of the way! ~T
This is a post about our Branson trip, but it’s the second half, head back one post to get caught up.
We had just arrived at Silver Dollar City…..
Where we watched local craftsman, listened to folk and gospel music, rode fun rides and ate some good home cookin’.
Be still my heart…….
The Breakfast of Champions
After our, oh so healthy, breakfast….we headed to Marvel Cave. A one hour tour that is actually what started Silver Dollar City!
Marvel Cave is known for being one of the largest caves in Missouri, having one of the largest cave entry rooms (the Cathedral Room) of any cave in North America, and for being one of the longest running tourist attractions in the Ozarks.
If you can’t stoop and fit through here to enter the area to wait in line, you might as well just go do something else, because the cave gets very narrow and very low at times!
The Cathedral Room is one of the largest cave entrance rooms found in North America. The room measures 204 feet high, 225 feet wide, and 411 feet long. Entrance to the cave is made through a sink hole which is 94’ deep. Two large openings are at the bottom of the sink. On July 7, 1963 an underground altitude record was set by Don Piccard, by flying a hot air balloon around the massive room. Later, in 1994 five hot air balloons were flown simultaneously in the Cathedral Room in celebration of the 100th year anniversary of giving cave tours.
Yes, it’s THAT big!
Looking down….
After all that walking, an hour total…the cable train pulls you the last 218 feet out!
After that, we had fun walking around…..
Watching some crafters at work,
Rode some rides, and walked through Grandfather’s Crazy Mansion with sloped floors…
Then, this happened.
Which equals this:
After waiting a half hour in a food joint, we decided to head back to the condo, and change into warm, dry clothes and wait out the rain storm there. I couldn’t stop chattering, so I took a swim in the jacuzzi tub. You know its going to be a good soak when you walk in the bathroom and the bubbles are all the way past the top of the tub!!!!!
I left the camera in the condo to dry out, but wished I had taken it back to Silver Dollar City for the AMAZING concert we got to see at the parks close. They offer it for any guest at no additional charge, and it was one of the best ones we have seen!
Branson has something they call, “The Strip”, like Vegas has, but smaller, cleaner and nicer. My favorite part about this town, is unlike Vegas, it is full of the Good News of Jesus Christ. People aren’t afraid to speak, pray and sing about Him at their concerts, or even write a note to Him on their billboards. You can feel the Spirit of the Lord everywhere you go! LOVED it!
There were bad tornadoes recently, and a lot of damaged buildings…thus the sign.
Just in case you were confused, this building is SUPPOSED to look like this. :) The kids saw this picture, and thought maybe the tornado got ‘em.
After much debate, we decided to do the 2 hour Titanic museum instead of some of the other light-hearted ones. It was fascinating!
No cameras allowed inside, so no photos of it, but we were each handed a passenger to “be” as we walked through. At the end you found out if you were a survivor or not.
Along the way you got to see a stateroom, the grand staircase, feel the crisp, damp, FREEZING air “on deck” of the ship overlooking a starry night. We walked up a length of flooring the exact steepness that night as the ship slowly sank below surface. We also stuck our hands in FREEEEEEEEZING water that the people floated in for up to 20 minutes before hypothermia set in and they passed away. It was horribly cold, I could only stand it about 30 seconds before my finger tips started to sting. It was well worth it, I’d recommend it to anyone!
We wanted to go out nice, just once before we headed home, in honor of 10 year anniversary and of course, Beauty from Ashes. Drea bought me a little black dress for my 30th birthday, and I had yet to wear it.
This trip seemed like the perfect time to use it! Guess what? It fit!
We went out to eat at this great restaurant called Cosmopolitan….where we had a FANTASTIC 3 course meal. {Special deal of $20 each!!!!!!! PTL!}
And then headed to the SIX concert afterwards…..
Each of the singers had a Camaro in “their” color parked out front.
SIX is six (of 10) brothers that sing together, a capella. They are voted best show on the strip for a reason! We highly recommend this hilarious and jaw dropping show with amazing vocals, sound effects and humor!!!!!
What a great way to end an AMAZING 5 days!
We headed out early Tuesday morning to go see our babies, the trip home seemed to take forever.
We walked in to 4 VERY excited Ferguson’s and a very tired Nana.
And, these:
Turns out, our friend Miss Kalene had come over to help the children make a special welcome home for us! Ball jars with painted treasures, and a huge Ball jar full of rocks and sunflowers!!!! What a great surprise!!!!!!
She sent me this collage later, of them working on it….precious.
Oh and poor, poor lil’ Peanut got hit in the eye with a match box car by Paxton and now has a lovely shiner to show for it. And the rug burn on her nose is from a tussle session with Tylan.
We came home just in time for school to start the next day!!!!
Praise the Lord for His provisions for this trip, and for great friends, aunts and Nana’s that made it possible for us to go. He knew we were starving for time to invest in US, as a couple. As Dale and Tonya, learning to live, laugh and love all over again. I came home to a busy reality, but for the first time in over a year, I am content with Dale and I. No longer starving, but full and satisfied. Thank you, Jesus!
Dale and I had the opportunity to get away from life for a few days the end of August. It was such a God-thing the way it all worked out, from a friend willing to let us use their time share any where in the world, right down to the available dates being the same as mom’s days off!
Of COURSE we’d have loved to somewhere exotic, or even back to Maui, like we did for our honeymoon! However, we had to realistic on how long we could be gone, and it had to be affordable, only using the money I had saved up from photo sessions this past year…which meant we were driving!
So, Nana moved in with our 4 little Ferguson’s, 1 dog, 27 chickens, and 6 barn cats, and we took off for Branson, MO.
For 5 days!
WOO HOO!
The last time we got away for an extended time, was to Palm Springs with Dale’s work, when we were just first pregnant with Tylan, 6 whole years ago. This trip was JUST what we needed after a tough year!
I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have photos to share, so you better bet the rest of this post will be filled with them! And of course, we have a number of self portraits since I didn’t want to keep explaining to people how to use my camera. :)
Friday morning, on the road:
Dale’s sweet Momma packed us an AMAZING picnic lunch for the road! Prime rib sandwiches and more…..
Dale is having “See Food” apparently……
Classy honey, real classy.
She also sent some appetizers that we enjoyed later in that weekend….
Not quite 7 hours later, we start seeing the hills of Missouri!
This is my “You Are My Sunshine” pendant that hangs from my rear view mirror. It has all the kiddos names on it, I HAD to photograph it, because I was already missing them!
The Condo we stayed in was BRAND new and gorgeous!!!!
Entryway hall
To the right, our room and bathroom…..
Down the hall a bit, and to the left…..a room with JUST enough beds for our 4 little Fergusons and a whole bathroom for them to boot. I have to admit, momentarily, I was like…..
”Awwww, they could’ve come!”
Then I remembered how ready for Dale & Tonya time we were! :) Never mind.
Family room, dining room and kitchen….
Back porch
The first couple days, we just vegged out at the pool, or in our room.
Saturday evening we headed to The Landing, a really cool place to walk around, shop, eat and watch the Water and Fire show.
We had promised the kids that if they were good, and got 5 stars on their sticker chart while we were gone, then we’d bring them a surprise.
I didn’t want to do cheap toys or souvenir trinkets, so when I saw this Candy Emporium, I knew, the way to my 4 little Ferguson’s hearts, letting them actually have…..
{gasp}
CANDY!
Not just any candy…the coolest candy in the whole store…….
Snakes.
BIG long gummy ones!
So this is like the most unflattering picture ever, but the kids found it totally hysterical, so here you go…..
The Attack of the Killer Gummy Snakes
A nice lady with a fancy camera, took our photo in front of the water show……..
This water and fire show is set to music, and goes every hour, I believe. It was AMAZING! And it was FREEEEEE!
Sunday, we headed to my FAVORITE place in the whole world….
A portion of this post from the archives, the rest……
From my Heart.
As couple after couple, call us, write us or email, pleading with us to help them put together the shattered pieces of their lives and marriage. To merely be used as a vessel by the Lord, to pour clean water over them and help point them in the right direction, I once again realized we are in a battle…..
A CONSTANT battle to keep our eyes on Jesus. With satan working overtime throwing things at us left, right, left, right, chucking things under our feet to make us stumble. Shrieking with glee when he succeeds.
Because BUSY means Burdened Under Satan’s Yoke.
We MUST keep our eyes on Jesus.
We MUST not break our focus for a mere moment.
We MUST not let anything divide our families, our homes, our marriages.
Our packed calendars rob us of family time, devotion time, prayer time, alone time….
Clear ‘em!!!!
Clear those calendars.
Make date night with your spouse a priority. Don’t just say it, make it happen.
Make family dinner a non-negotiable.
Nothing is more important than family.
No job more important then pointing your kids towards Jesus.
We MUST not let Social Media rob us of conversations during home time….
Leave the cell phone on the charger in the laundry room when you walk in the door; the texts can wait, Facebook can wait. We MUST not let TV and Computer, iPhones and ipads steal precious playtime moments…leave them off until nap/bedtime if you have young children.
Don’t answer the phone during dinner, if its important, they’ll leave you a message and you can call them afterwards. Show your kids with your actions, just how important dinner time is. Spend that time VISITING about the day, not staring at the TV. Our family loves to do “Good, Bad and Blessing” going around the table and each family member shares their good, bad and blessing from the day….try it! You may just love it.
Help your kids make good choices about how many “extra” activities they can be a part of. What happened to the days of letting kids be KIDS? Just playing. Imagining. Exploring. Sending them out to play and ride bikes until porch lights came on and our moms called us home for dinner.
Remember, for EVERY activity you chose to enroll your kids in, you are taking from the “Family Pie” of time together time. There are only so many pieces to go around before you are left with crumbs.
Sacrifices are made each and every time we say YES to something else. We are raising a generation of busy kids, who in turn will become adults that need to be “busy” because they’ve never learned to just relax, stay home and be still.
And let’s not forget the love of our life, and the time we must spend with them. Sit with your husband or wife for at minimum of THIRTY MINUTES of face to face time each evening. Face to face, not staring at the tv together, looking at each other. Surely your favorite show, or email inbox can wait?!
Who is to be our number one human priority as directed by God’s word?
Our spouse.
Show them! Use that face to face time to learn something about them that you didn’t know 24 hours ago. Look them in the eyes and remember all the reasons you fell in love with them. Do this and watch your marriage blossom and grow. Set a stinkin’ timer if you have to.
JUST DO IT.
Wherever you are, be ALL there. I am not preaching to you, I am preaching to ME! We all need to evaluate how our time is being spent!!!!!!!
Cause guess what satan says?
Every time you are not talking to your kids…..
I AM.
Every time you are not working towards growing with your spouse,
I AM MAKING SURE YOU ARE BACKSLIDING.
When you are too busy?
I AM NOT.
I seek to destroy your marriage and family. I hate it and I hate you. It would be my pleasure to use your lack of time together for harm, for evil, as a tool to ultimately destroy your lives.
When we don’t chose God every moment of every day, we automatically default to satan.
Think about that for a moment……pretty tough to swallow, isn’t it?
I don’t want to default to satan ever. I seem to spend a lot of my time fighting off his attacks on my home and marriage, while balancing a really full calendar full of photography appointments, upcoming blogs I need to write, projects I said I’d be a part of, things I need to get accomplished around my home. It all just feels like too much. Like I have been doing a balancing act for too long, unsuccessfully.
Friends, I need a break.
Somewhere along the last year of fighting for my marriage and maintaining “regular life”, I have lost my focus. I feel as if I have missed an entire year with my family while I was hurting, healing, seeking, sharing and forgiving. The last year can not be viewed as a loss, it’s can’t…..
For it SAVED us. Praise His name!
I am not sure what to say except, I need to cut back somewhere, and one of the places is the blog. It takes my last piece of the “Family Pie” and I only have crumbs to offer the ones I love most. I am also cutting back in other areas, including how many photography appointments I take every week, as the editing process takes much time from family, too.
As an overly busy summer draws to a close, I need time to be Mommy, playing on the floor in the living room or out jumping on the trampoline. I need time to be Wife, relaxing on the couch next to her husband, unwinding after a long day. I need time to do something for me, like curl up with a Christian novel during nap time, on a couch I haven’t sat on regularly in MONTHS.
Mostly, I just need to BE STILL.
That’s what it really all boils down to, isn’t it?
Being still.
Tylan came up to my desk the other day during nap time:
“Mommy’s are busy, aren’t they?”
Yes buddy, Mommy’s have a lot of jobs to do!
“You’re a mommy that takes pictures now too, aren’t you?”
Yup.
“You write your blog……”
I do! {Now, I am wondering now, where he is going with this…….}
“Mommy?”
Yes, buddy.
“I miss when you were just my mom.”
Oh honey bear, I am so so very sorry.
I am taking 3 weeks off of blogging to think, pray, evaluate how my time can be best spent, and mostly……
To be still.
I will miss you, friends, but I’ll be back soon, check back with me around Labor Day. It’s time this Momma shows her family where her priorities are…….
A few days before Destiny turned 9, she asked if maybe it was time for us to have a talk.
“A talk?” I asked
“Ya, you know, about sex and babies and stuff. I am ready to know how it all works.”
We talked a bit more, and she asked some good questions. I told her intelligent questions would be met with intelligent answers. So I talked to Dale and we planned a little time with Destiny after the kids went to bed to explain things to her.
Here are some of the highlights:
We used correct and simple terms.
We showed her diagrams of male and female genitalia. We told her girls have 3 holes: one for pee, one for poop and the one in the middle is for babies. That babies are made inside the same hole they come out of.
We showed a video of sperm racing to find the egg. She thought it was super cool that the egg only lets one in {sometimes 2}, before closing up and going on a journey! We talked about how God picks which sperm meets which egg, and they determine whether you have brown hair or blonde, are good at piano, are a night owl…..all things already planned out when the two meet.
“That happened when God made me? Neat!”
We told her sex was a beautiful gift for married couples to enjoy. We told her it was fun, and it was perfect because the man and women parts fit together like a puzzle.
She said, Ew a few times, and Cool a few times.
We told her that was normal. :)
We pray every night over our children that they’d save themselves for marriage, and that they would hang on to their purity for the treasure it is. Even almost 4-year-old Avery can tell you she doesn’t want a “Swiss Cheese heart” full of holes. She wants to save her whole heart and all her kisses for her husband. Tylan prays that he would be a Godly man, and he prays for his future wife, that she’d be a Proverbs 31 wife and that she’d save herself for him. PRECIOUS. We pray for Tylan and Paxton to have a covenant with their eyes not to look upon anything impure, that they will save themselves for marriage, heart, body and mind.
Guys, they are LISTENING! They are parroting back prayers that have been spoken over them all their lives. If you haven’t already started praying for this, it’s not too late! The power of prayer is incredible! And what a great teaching tool.
My response to Destiny was calm.
Purposeful.
I encourage you to take a similar approach. When mom or dad, stutter, stammer, avoid the subject, or act disgusted, you are telling them sex is dirty. It is embarressing. That they did something wrong, by even asking.
This could not be further than the truth.
Do you want them to someday take that unhealthy view of sex into their own marriage bed? Because they really will.
Sex is a beautiful gift from God, intended for married couples to enjoy as they become one body, one spirit, one flesh. I want our children to understand how beautiful, amazing, and special it is. God designed it to be mind-blowing. It was intended for more than reproduction, it was intended for…PLEASURE.
In a Sex-at-9 society, if we aren’t talking to our kids about sex, the world is. It’s being sold on TV and in just about every movie out there. It’s being whispered on the bus ride home, it’s being tried out at boy-girl parties. Yes, as early as age 9. THAT, my friends, is highly disturbing.
You have a choice:
YOU teach them about sex.
Or
The WORLD will.
Watch this powerful video.
“Seize the opportunity while your children are young to start having conversations that will forever shape their sexual character.” Mary Flo Riley, author of Simple Truths.
Making It Meaningful
The sex talk is obviously happening at age 9 at our house, but at age 13, we will take things a step further. We plan to take each child on a special birthday date, talk more about purity, eyes, thoughts, flesh; all of it. We will help them write out some boundaries, review some verses about sex and God’s design for it.
We will present them with a purity ring, just as my parents gave me when I was 13, and encourage them to write a birthday love letter to their future spouse each and every birthday. The girls love to read through my box of love letters to Dale, to try on my purity ring, which will one day be Destiny’s.
This ring is to remind them that purity is a beautiful gift, only given ONCE.
It’s never to late to start talking to your kids about saving themselves for marriage. Telling them about a little boy or little girl our there, RIGHT NOW, being prepared to one day meet them. To one day fall in love with them at the perfect moment in time, all ordained by the Great Author of LOVE Himself!
“The Bible speaks out so plainly against adultery and the misuse of sex, that it’s easy for a young Christian to misinterpret that to mean that sex as a whole is sinful.
In Christian circles we tend to spurt out the “sex is bad before marriage” anthem, without following it up with the “but sex after marriage will rock your socks off!” part.
So on their wedding day, a couple is expected to flip that switch to ‘sex is allowed…we now have a license’, and they spend the first few years of marriage floundering and silently struggling with what they’ve always been lead to believe: “God doesn’t want you to have sex…and He especially doesn’t want you to enjoy it!”. Resentment grows as they try and reconcile what they deeply desire in each other, and what they believe God expects of them.
“The marriage ceremony is simply insufficient to reorient one’s attitude from ‘Thou shalt not’ to ‘Thou shalt—regularly and with great passion!’” – Dr. James Dobson”
Joy has a whole blog post written about this! Go read it!!!! Here are a few of my favorite points:
Start early:
Be purposeful & prepared.
Vital: When they do ask “those” questions, make a point of smiling and responding with “I’m so glad you asked, sweetheart!”. Don’t allow your response or body language to communicate that this is a taboo topic to talk about.
Children are unabashedly curious about their bodies and the differences between boys and girls, if you don’t answer their questions – eagerly – they’ll find someone else who will.
Help them recognize that their sexuality is a beautiful part of who they are…for later in life.
If we wait until our kids are older, we’ve lost a tremendous part of the battle: teenagers are naturally inclined to doubt and wrestle with everything we say. Do you really want to initiate the conversation then?
Define your message:
“This is what I want them to know/believe/value about sex”
Make the message your own – what is important and valued in your family – boil it down to a few overarching statements about sex.
Don’t make it sensual for little ones, just basic biology. The “dangers and pleasures” of the sex talk come later.
Examine your own sexual baggage – we don’t want to pass off our pain and baggage to our kids. Set it aside {or better yet, work/pray through it} and present the most positive picture.
Explain Reproduction:
Use everyday examples to teach them that “by God’s design…protected deep inside every living creature is the potential for new life”
Explain Conception -Start painting the picture of sexual intimacy now…allowing them to first see only a hazy view of it…add detail and depth as they get older and more mature.
Continuing the Conversation:
When billboards or ads depict intimate moments between a couple, teach them that sexuality is very private and “no one should ever watch”…helps them know how to handle unexpected pornography exposure {which can show up astonishingly early}.
Show them how important the decisions they make are. Their teenage years are so short in relation to the rest of their lives, and yet the decisions they make during that time have huge consequences.
Remember, give simple TRUTH in real terms, never undermining the beautiful, smokin’ hot gift from God, sex really is.
~T
Are you struggling with a healthy image of sex in your own marriage? Then read this blog about Re-discovering RED HOT Manogomy by Joy of Simply Bloom. It’ll make your toes curl.
Forgiveness is hard. It’s hard because it feels like WE are the ones losing when we give it, but that is a lie. Satan loves it when you feel that way, because you just hold it tighter in your clenched fist. You own it. You wear it. You live it each and every day.
Guess what? You don’t have to ANYMORE.
Forgiveness the very foundation on which we stand, saved by grace. Jesus wants us to lay our burdens and hurts down at His feet, to let HIM have them, to release us from our heavy load. He is a gentleman. He will never take them from you, He simply waits for you to hand them to Him.
The burden of unforgiveness is a hard one to bear, for it is like swallowing poison every day, and expecting the other person to get sick. Eventually, it is you who will die inside.
Ephesians 4:31-32 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Me choosing NOT to forgive, is like saying what Jesus did on that cross was not enough. I need Christ to simply flow HIS forgiveness THROUGH me. My job is merely to be open to this, I don’t have to be healed or “in a good place emotionally” for this to occur.
Please take a moment to watch this music video, the song is BEAUTIFUL! It will be the best 4 minutes you spend today.
YOU are the reason He died a horrific, slow, painful death.
Y-O-U.
Isaiah 44:22 “I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you.”
He would’ve died if you were the only person in the whole wide world. Because He loves you. He wants to be in eternity with you. He wipes out our transgressions for HIS own sake. That is incredible!
Isaiah 43:25 “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.”
I am going to share 12 Steps of Forgiveness with you. I encourage you on your journey to complete and total forgiveness of the person who hurt you, to work through this list. Print it off and put it next to your bed.
Take it, one step at a time. Check them off as you complete them. Date them if you’d like. It may take weeks or even months to get to Step 12, but do it! Be thorough. Make sure one step is DONE, before moving on to the next. Bathe this list in prayer and ask God to help you forgive.
Galatians 5:1 says, “It is for FREEDOM, that Christ has set you free. Stand firm then, and do not be burdened again by the yoke of slavery….”
How about the yoke of unforgiveness?
You don’t have to wear it anymore!
The 12 Steps of Forgiveness
Galatians 5:1 says “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
1) I own the pain and hurt. I own “My Truth”.
John 8:32 “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
2) I get in touch with my feelings and thoughts about it.
3) I express my feelings and thoughts to God.
Matthew 9:4 “Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, “Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts?”
4) I decide to forgive, and say it out loud.
5) I surrender the right to get even.
Proverbs 20:22 “Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you.”
6) I decide to put up with an uneven score.
I Corinthians 13:5b “Love…..keeps no record of wrong.”
7) I let go of my feelings. I Surrender.
Psalm 50:15 “…call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.”
8) I cease defining the person who hurt me in terms of the hurt they caused, and become open to the possibility of the person changing positively. I begin to pray for and bless that person.
Matthew 5:44 “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you.”
9) I cease defining myself as a powerless victim.
10) I begin to look for the good that God can bring out of it–with my cooperation!
Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
11) I let go of the misuses of the wrongs, such as an excuse for revenge, irresponsibility, blaming, and assume responsibility for my attitude, thoughts and behaviors.
Ephesians 6:12 “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.”
12) I become freed from the power of the hurt, such as the bondage of anger bitterness, mistrust and self-pity.
Romans 5:3 “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance…..”
No matter what, keep your chin up, and remember….GOD IS BIGGER!
~Tonya
Isaiah 1:18 “Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.”
I attended my second Women’s Encounter this past weekend. This time as a Server, rather than an Attendee.
If you remember, Women’s Encounter played a very big role in the saving of my marriage. Although it was so incredibly amazing, I never wanted to go back.
Ever.
I just thought it’d be so hard to go back and face those memories.
I was wrong.
It was healing. Freeing.
AMAZING.
Not only did I attend, but I did the 20 minute teaching on Forgiveness. Talk about out of my comfort zone! I think God likes to keep us there on purpose, so it’s ALL HIM! :)
I was privileged to serve an AMAAAZING group of extraordinary women, alongside my best friend. The praise music was rockin’, the voices of 130+ women, lifted in unison, gave me chills…all praising a Father in Heaven that loved them too much to keep them the way they were.
There were many, many burdens let go this weekend. Many captives set free. Marriages Saved. Lives changed. Many tears shed. Many intercessory prayers, raised.
It was breathtakingly beautiful!
This is NO “retreat”. This is a tear down the walls, lay it all at the feet of Jesus, come back new and changed kind of weekend. A weekend SO bathed in prayer, before, during and after, that you can feel the power of the Holy Spirit reverberating through the room. Incredible.
I am too emotionally drained to write anymore, so instead, I’d like to share a bit of my teaching with you, I had photos that went along with each section, because, photos are worth a thousand words on their own! I’ll include a few of those too, for fun………..
I am here today to talk to you about forgiveness, to tell you how to live forgiveness, to paint a picture of what it looks like in action. The reason I know how to do this, is be cause I am currently learning to live it every single day of my life here on this earth.
See, I sent my husband of 9 years, to July 2011’s Men’s Encounter because I was ready for him to kick it up a notch, as the Spiritual leader of our home. He came home ready to be that man, but he also came home with an ugly secret. A secret of betrayal of the very covenant our marriage was built on. The horrible gut wrenching pain I experienced that night, was caused by MY LOVER.
MY SOUL MATE.
MY VERY BEST FRIEND.
The man I loved most.
The man I SAVED myself for.
The man I gave EVERYTHING to.
Everything I held dear to me was stripped away and there I was, just reeling in the shock and pain of it all, sobs wracking my body, as on hand clung to my husband’s neck like a life line, the other hand, formed in a fist, pounding his chest, SCREAMING at him: How DARE you! How could you!?
The man I was one with, had become one with another.
The man I gave my heart to, had discarded it for a few moments of lust. The man I gave my everything to, had weighed the cost and found me the loser.
I felt my heart fall out of my chest and down to the floor, where it shattered in a million pieces.
Life would never be the same, would it?
I was divorcing my best friend, taking our 4 kids and walking.
He had made his choice…….
I had made MINE!
I went on to talk about God the Father, the Great Healer, the restorer of my soul. The God who makes beauty from the ashes of our lives, if only we LET HIM. I told them about my first Encounter and my moment on stage at church after I got home:
I take a DEEP BREATH my throat thick with tears, my eyes seeking Dale out in the crowd: “And to my husband…….I want you to know that I love you, and I FORGIVE YOU. You are my soul mate, and what God has put together, Satan will NEVER separate because……..I. choose. us.“
He came running up to the stage bawling and swooped me in his arms. As we kissed and cried I looked him in the eyes and told him over and over, I forgive you, I DO! I feel so great! So light and free! It was one of the most beautiful moments in my life!
I am so free, I am so light, I am a NEW woman in Christ. I am loving Dale fully with my whole, restored, new heart……….
I talked more about forgiveness and what God says about it. Why its required of us, then closed with these final 6 thoughts:
1) Forgiveness is not some fluffy feeling. It’s a decision to release the guilty person from future punishment and to stop focusing on them. Even when we don’t “feel” like forgiving, we need to forgive in order to live. “Feeling hurt” is a fire alarm for our souls. Picture this: An apartment’s fire alarm blares. Instead of escaping, tenants decide to wait to take action until they “feel” the heat of the fire. Would that be reasonable? No way! If we don’t forgive, we’ll burn up with the fire of anger, we‘ll be goners before we even take our chance to escape.
2) Forgiveness isn’t about the past, it’s about the future. You can’t change the past. It’s done. By choosing not to forgive, you’re allowing the negative past to affect your present and future. You were bought with a price, don’t let that other persons actions own any more.
3) Forgiveness is an ACTION. When you choose to forgive, you’re choosing to let go of the resentment and bitterness that can build up in your own heart.
4) Forgiveness is more for YOU, than THE OTHER PERSON. It’s FOR YOU. Just go for it and choose to forgive, YOU are the benefactor! They’re out of the picture at this point. Forgiving isn’t the same as forgetting. It isn’t a divine form of amnesia. God doesn’t ask us to live as people without a history or pretend that sins never happened. In fact, being able to recall how God has delivered us through these storms, empowering us to confess, forgive, and overcome, can give us hope and an anchor in future storms. Stories of forgiveness and reconciliation can also become part of the way you seek to strengthen and encourage others in their lives.
5) Forgiveness is a decision to sacrifice. God’s forgiveness required the sacrifice of His Son to pay the penalty for sin. Our forgiveness requires sacrifices, too, though of a different sort. On some days, forgiveness will seem natural and easy. On other days you’ll feel ready to give up before the day is done, but work at it. Fight for it! Growing in forgiveness will require you to stay focused on Jesus, interacting with Him and learning from him just as you must do in every other area of life.
6) Freedom is a choice, CHOOSE IT. FORGIVE, and you will be set FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For when you genuinely forgive, you set a prisoner free and then discover the prisoner set free was……YOU!
Tomorrow, I want to share the 12 Steps of Forgiveness with you. And next month, I want to teach you how to make the flip-flops I made for Kasey and I to wear to our Encounter weekend. :)
Yesterday, Tonya posted her Top 6 Ways To Survive Infidelity. It only seemed right that I speak to the other side of this, to the one who caused the hurt.
6 Ways to Help Your Spouse Survive Your Infidelity
1) Cut ties with the other person. This was not a problem in my case, since it was a one time act, but for those of you in actual relationships with another….FLEE. Cut ties and don’t look back. Delete them from your phone, your Facebook, change jobs: WHATEVER IT TAKES. Your marriage is WORTH fighting for, so do it. Do not ever enter into a “friendship” with the opposite sex again, it has no place in your life.
2) Be soft & tender before God and your spouse. You caused this hurt and unspeakable pain to your spouse, now it’s your job to make it right. Be prepared that the Lord will want to continue to do a work in you, now that the truth is out. It’s time to step up to the plate, make lifestyle changes, get accountability partners set up, and get the help you need to walk in freedom. Admit that you made the mistake, own up to it or it will own you!
The more soft and moldable you are during this time, like clay in the potters hands, the less chiseling Jesus has to do to make you HIS.
Watch this video to see what I mean, it’s my favorite:
3) Be Open to Answering Questions & Talk About It. Openly Share Your Remorse. Unanswered questions grow GIANT in a hurry, where as a truthful answer, quiets those fears and allows your spouse to move past them. Tonya had many, many questions that were hard for me to want to answer at the beginning, but I knew she needed my truth. I knew I owed that much to her, even if reliving my mistake made me sick to my stomach and angry at times. Each and every time she was told an answer, I would watch her struggle to accept it, work through it; cry or whatever she deemed necessary to heal, before a quiet resolve came over her. A new level of peace was achieved, as she was able to silence those thoughts or questions.
A truly remorseful spouse is a huge huge huge part of a successful restoration. Make sure you are totally transparent to your spouse, nothing hidden. If she asks questions, answer honestly and FULLY….not just enough info to get her to be quiet for the moment, because if later, she finds you weren’t totally honest, it sets things way back for you both. The path to healing is paved with difficult choices, being open and forthcoming is key to the successful healing of your marriage.
4) Be ready to scale walls and slay dragons.When Tonya gets scared she throws up walls between us and takes her heart back, I can feel it happen. I know this is my fault, I caused her this pain and mistrust. My job is to not be angry that she pushes me away. Rather, my job is to scale those walls, and slay those “dragons” (fears) that are holding her back, and lovingly swoop her in my arms. We are to be our wives heros, their rescuer, their knight in shining armor. Trust is hard to build, and easy to break. Give you and your wife both extra grace during this rebuilding time. And TALK about things. (see step 2)
5) Put On Your Armor. It is ESSENTIAL that satan is unable to attack you in this manner again. You have been burned once, be on the look out for him to lure you back to that pot of water again. You KNOW the consequences this time, you KNOW the tools the enemy used last time to make you fall, so be on alert for those. You want to win the war? Then be sure you know what your enemy is bringing.
Putting on the Armor means being in God’s word, DAILY. Being on your knees before him, DAILY. Seeking His help to be the man He has wanted you to be all along. When you put on the armor, you are essentially putting on Jesus. Anything you say or do, listen to or look at, must FIRST get filtered through your Jesus armor. Look at it that way, and it’s a total game changer!
6) Forgive Yourself. I don’t have a lot to say here, except that I am still working on this. Some days are easier than others, but remembering that Jesus spread my ashes as far as the east are from the west, keeps me going. Why would I want to keep swimming out into the ocean to gather up my transgressions again? I just end up wearing myself out. Jesus died for ALL sins, and there are no levels of sin, none worse than another in my Father’s eyes. I am working on living this out.
I hope this can help you and your spouse to heal. God is the great Healer, He wants to put the pieces of your marriage back together for His glory, if only you will give Him all the pieces.
So, Dale and I survived infidelity. We survived the writing and sharing of our story turned HIS, and we joyfully renewed our vows in a Beauty from Ashes, I Do: Part 2 ceremony.
Phew.
What a journey we have been on! 9 months in the making, just like the gestation of new life! We have NEW life in Christ!!!
Thank you, Jesus! It’s all behind us, now we can move forward with joy, peace, forgiveness and LIFE abundantly.
LOVE wins. JESUS wins. MARRIAGE wins.
If I could sum up “How To Survive Infidelity” from my point of view as the betrayed party, this is what I would say:
6 Steps to Survive Infidelity
1) FORGIVE.
Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive. Every moment of every day, then forgive some more. Forgiveness is a choice. CHOOSE IT. Then live it, daily in your words and actions. The quicker you forgive, the quicker the Lord can move in those soft hearts you have laid before him. The quicker your marriage will be healed and renewed.
I had to make a decision after I forgave Dale, to not speak down to him, or throw in little jabs that came from the deep hurt in my heart. It was not my place to take Dale’s sin from where it hung on that cross and throw it in his face. Do NOT go there.
When you feel hurt, tell your spouse, “I am hurting right now.” Or a sentence I used with Dale a lot is “I am in a bad place today.” Let them hug you, as touch softens your heart and melts those walls that try to be thrown up. Seek the Lord immediately, “Help me do this your way, Jesus.” Dale was always good to wrap me in his arms and pray over me when I was struggling. His tenderness and love for our Savior bringing tears to my eyes.
2) Be aware of the devil and call him out. See him at work in your life.
Never have I been more aware of the devils attacks, as I think about the trap he laid out for my husband. It is disturbing how well thought out it was, how many years it was in the making.
First, satan lured him into the pot of water….it’s only porn, you are just looking, not acting. It’s HARMLESS. Next, he turned up the heat….YOU and you alone can provide for this family. It’s all about YOU, you don’t need the Lords help, look at how successful you could be. Heat gets turned a smidge higher as he convinces Dale that telling me he started looking at porn again, would only hurt me. PRIDE came next, too proud to admit he had a problem. DISTANCE from his Lord and Savior, as he was ashamed of his actions. Then, LUST sealed Dale’s fate, as porn attaches a deep and powerful lust to you. Coupled with distance from the Lord, and those clanging bells of warning, have officially been muffled . Dale was boiling and dead in that pot of water before he even knew the devil had him in the pot.
I Peter 5:8 “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
Satan will not let you fix your marriage without fighting for the death of it. Remember who the enemy is, NOT your spouse….it’s the DEVIL! He HATES Christian marriage, for it is the very PICTURE of Christ and His bride, the church. No wonder marriages are failing at a 51% rate now.
3) Take your thoughts CAPTIVE.
If you have survived a betrayal in your marriage, you will know EXACTLY what I am talking about. The devil TORMENTED me day and night, night and day. He used my thoughts on what I deserved and how I should find it elsewhere with a new man and new marriage.
He put many a destructive thought in my head about my marriage, calling again and again with what I deserved and what I didn’t, attacked my self-worth, and feeding me lies.
“You aren’t really going to take him back, are you? He will only hurt you again.”
“Boy, Dale sure is late tonight, wonder why he’s not answering his phone…”
“Look at you, 4 babies sure have done a number on your body. I bet he’s seen hundreds of better bodies on the computer. You are disgusting.”
When satan attacks, pray your eyes will be opened to see it right away so you can fight and win. Our VICTORY over the devil has already been won. Claim it, PROCLAIM it.
Out loud say: “I give NO consent to that thought.” Then I’d add for good measure, “Leave me! In the name of Jesus.”
And he would flee, shrieking at the sound of the name of Jesus. I don’t care how foolish you feel saying it out loud:
DO IT. It helps!
Take it from a girl who has a very vivid writers imagination, I HAD to take control of my destructive thoughts, the out of whack roller coaster of emotion I had Dale and I on, or we wouldn’t be where we are today.
Satan is out to destroy you, he is throwing his head back and cackling with glee that he got you and your spouse this far. He is circling for the kill. Stand up and FIGHT BACK. You’ve GOT this! THE VICTORY IS YOURS!
This attack on worth and thoughts, is not just a tactic he uses on the betrayed party, he also used Dale’s thoughts! Tormenting him about his inability to say no next time, making him scared he couldn’t stay pure in his thoughts and actions. And, just when we both thought the onslaught was over, he’d come back stronger and more often. Get your armor on!
4) Allow yourself to Grieve. It’s healthy, it’s ok, it brings healing.
Psalms 126:5 “Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.”
7 Stages of Grief:
Shock & Denial - This is NOT happening to me, to my lovely marriage. You may deny the reality of the loss of your marriage at some level. This stage may last several weeks. (See related post: Broken Hearts, Shattered Promises)
Pain & Guilt - As the shock wears off, it is replaced with suffering and unbelievable pain. Do not hide this, do not escape, allow the tears to come. You may have guilty feelings or try to live in the land of “If Only”. If only he hadn’t gone to work that day. If only I was skinnier. If only I had called him more that day….. Don’t go there. Flee this mind-set. (See related post: The Other Woman)
Anger & Bargaining – Sadness gives way to anger. How DARE you do this to me! You may want to lash out, but please remember to ask yourself if you are speaking life or death. Helping or hurting your spouse. This is the time to release bottled up emotion, but do so in a healthy way. You may ask “Why me?” during this time. Trust that God will help you through. (See related post: Confessions of A Heartbroken Housewife)
Sadness, Reflection, Mourning - Just when it seems life should move on and get better, a period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning friends. It is a necessary step to move to a point of healing. (See: The Death of Little Girl Dreams)
The Upward Turn – As you start to adjust to this new life, you feel more normal. The physical symptoms of heartache are less, and you find yourself smiling and laughing more. (For me, this came after I forgave Dale: Choosing to Forgive)
Reconstruction & Working Through - This is the stage that you will find yourself seeking to define what your “new” life will look like now that you forgave your spouse. This is the beginning of a new chapter of hope, new-found love and a fresh start in Christ. (See post: Welcome to Tonya-land, Won’t You Let the SONshine In?)
Acceptance & New Beginnings -This is the final stage of grief, in this stage you accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance doesn’t mean instant happiness, or that bad days won’t come, but you will find a way to move more and more quickly past these bad days. And, they are coming farther and fewer between them. You will find new joy in the one your soul loves and you will find that your love is deeper than you could’ve ever imagined. What doesn’t break you, DOES make you stronger!
5) Love Freely
But be aware of the walls the devil tries to throw up between you….
First my wall would go up while Dale’s heart sought me out, longing to connect with me. Begging me with sorrowful eyes to let him back in my heart and life. Then, when I would be ready to give him my whole heart and was seeking him out, he threw up a wall and was trying to protect his heart from the roller coaster of emotion I had him on….one day loving fully, the next day, cowering in fear behind a wall, taking my heart back so he wouldn’t hurt me again. By calling satan out and calling it what it was, an attack from the devil, we were able to quickly overcome this stage, praise God!
There was a few weeks at the beginning were I could hardly let Dale touch me, let alone make love to me. But this is an important part of connecting and healing. When two become one, it strengthens the bond between the two of you, and the devil has a harder time worming in.
You need this connection with your spouse, putting aside all fears and giving them all of you. It reminds me of one of my favorite songs. You will recognize this one from yesterday’s slide show:
“You’re going to have all of me. You’re worth every falling tear, you’re worth facing every fear, you’re going to have all my love, even if it’s not enough to mend our broken hearts…..”
Sex is a beautiful gift from God to be enjoyed with your spouse. Don’t bring the past hurts into the bedroom. Don’t let satan invite anyone else in, through your destructive thoughts, wondering if “The Other Women” or “The Other Man” is here with you. She is not! He is not!
We bind his or her presence in the name of Jesus, we break off their connection with our spouses, and then move into a tighter, closer bond than ever before. Pray and speak these things out loud and watch satan flee. There is POWER in the spoken word.
6) Remember that the power of LIFE or DEATH is in the tongue.
You have a choice for your words to be sweet and life-giving, or poison, bringing death and destruction. Make sure you speak lovingly to your spouse, not taking cheap jabs or throwing in snide remarks….anything you think you are saying that is “Your Right” because you were betrayed, is WRONG!
Assignment from counseling:
Both of you take out a piece of paper and list off ALL the things you love about each other and your relationship. Afterwards, read them out loud to each other. The more you write, read, speak and hear positive things, the more you believe them. AND, the more those positive thoughts travel back and forth in your brain, they will create a “Positive Path”, easily traveled next time. Soon you will find “glass half full” kind of thoughts come more and more easily.
No matter what, keep your chin up, and remember….GOD IS BIGGER!
Because Love Wins.
