Surviving Infidelity

   This “Surviving Infidelity” Series was shared almost 1 year from the day our World was forever changed.  And these posts took 9 months to be written, just like the growth, then birth of new life. How fitting.  

  It was written in the middle of many, many nights, when I would be awaken from a deep sleep with the UNDENIABLE urge to write.  So, I wrote and wrote and sobbed and wrote, sometimes in awe the next morning of the words I didn’t recall writing.  Oh yeah, I didn’t.  Our Father was simply using my typing fingers for His glory.  Empty me of me, Father, and fill me with YOU.

  Soon after this, my computer crashed, the hard drive actually fried and burned according to the Computer Repair man, who had never seen anything like it.

  I knew who was trying to stop me, the devil himself.  

   Once again, I WOULD not let him have Victory over us.  I started over, asking God to help me remember, writing things better than the first time.  A few months before we went live, the Lord began to reveal the order of this series to me, I had written them in a jumbled mess of pages and notes.  He took those pieces and fit them together perfectly.  What an exhausting and very healing process for us!

  Not only were our Surviving Infidelity posts hard to write, they were even harder to share with the world.  But we did it, we took the leap of faith, and God is using them for HIS glory, each and every day….PRAISE HIS NAME!

  For that reason, I have started a new page just for Surviving Infidelity Posts….

  I want them to be easy for you to find, read and access again and again, as you move towards total and complete healing.

  I know its hard reading, but stick with it, it gets better as God restores what the locust have eaten…..from Tragedy to Triumph, we walk you through every step of the way.

  Don’t EVER forget, God IS a God who can make beauty from the ashes of our lives, if only we will let Him.

   In a World that throws away broken things, He wants me to tell you, that He is STILL in the Restoration Business…….

  Hundreds of emails will our inbox with stories of couples who decided to stay married, who just wanted to be told it’s ok to fight for your marriage, even in a World that dictates broken things should be discarded.  

  THAT is why this series is here.  Because our Heavenly Father needed an example of what a Message He can make out of our Messes.

1)  Owning My Truth

2) Shattered Hearts, Broken Promises

3)  The Other Woman  

4) Hearing From the Lord

5)  The Dream

6)  From Dale

7)  Florida Healing

8)  Seeking Help

9)  Confessions of A Heartbroken Housewife

10)  The Trap of Pornography

11)  A Marriage With A Limp

12) Choosing To Forgive

13)  The Death of Little Girl Dreams

14)  The Tale of the Water Bearer’s Pots

15)  Welcome to Tonya-land, Won’t You Let The Son Shine In?

16) After the I Do: Part 2 Vow Renewal

17) How To Survive Infidelity

18)  6 Ways to Help Your Spouse Survive Your Infidelity

19) Surviving Infidelity: What Do You Tell The Kids?

20)  Reaping With Shouts Of Joy

21)  Facing My Demons: A Weekend Away

22) The Death of Something Beautiful: July 10th, 2012

23) The 12 Steps Of Forgiveness: Setting Captives Free

24)  Not EnoughWho do you see when you look in the mirror?

25) Love. Wins.  {An 11th Anniversary Photo Tribute}

26) 2 Years Ago Today: Hope for the Healing

27) {Part 1} Returning to Intimacy After Betrayal

28) {Part 2} Sex After Infidelity: 8 Steps to Success

29) The Prodigal Spouse: Because God is BIGGER Than Your Divorce Papers

the prodigal spouse

 30) The Thing About Train Wrecks

31) Having An “Even If” Faith
An-even-if-faith.jpg

After the I Do: Part 2 Beauty from Ashes Vow Renewal Ceremony

1)  I Do: Part 2 {Photo Session}

2)  I Do: Part 2 {Worship}

3)  I Do: Part 2 {Before the Ceremony}

4) I Do: Part 2 {The Ceremony}

5) I Do: Part 2 {The Ceremony Continued…}

6) I Do: Part 2 {The Video}

Resources to help you on your journey, please use the links to shop our affiliate store at Amazon.com

Books for Wives:

Books for Husbands:

Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series)

By Steven Arteburn

Closing the Window: Steps to Living Porn Free

By Dr. Tim Chester
Kindle Version

Undefiled: Redemption From Sexual Sin, Restoration For Broken Relationships

By Dr. Harry Schaumburg
Kindle Version

At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry
By Steve Gallagher
Workbook

The Game Plan: The Men’s 30-Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity
By Joe Dallas

Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is): Sexual Purity in a Lust-Saturated World
By Joshua Harris

Crossroads: A Step-By-Step Guide Away from Addiction (Study Guide)
By Edward Welch

Samson and the Pirate Monks: Calling Men to Authentic Brotherhood
By Nate Larkin
Kindle Version

Sexual Detox: A Guide for Guys Who Are Sick of Porn
By Tim Challies
Kindle Version

Websites to help:

www.xxxchurch.com  Porn addiction is one of the most difficult addictions to overcome. XXXchurch is your resource online to fight porn addiction. We prevail through awareness, prevention and recovery.

http://pornaddicthubby.com/

http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/struggling/resources-for-wives/

The Porn Healing Paradox, Why do I feel this way?  He feels better. I feel worse.

Free E book downloads:

http://www.covenanteyes.com/marriage-advice-my-husband-watches-porn/

http://www.covenanteyes.com/brain-ebook/

Porn-Again Christian: A Frank Discussion on Pornography and Masturbation, e-book by Mark Driscoll

Sexual Detox: A Guide for Guys Who Are Sick of Porn,  e-book by Tim Challies

This page shared with:

To Love Honor And Vacuum

69 thoughts on “Surviving Infidelity

  1. Pingback: Contentment Series: In a Broken Marriage | Serving Joyfully

  2. I’ve spent the last two days reading LOTS of your blog articles, particularly the “Surviving Infidelity” series, and have been so blessed by everything I’ve read! Thank you for being obedient to the Lord and bravely sharing this part of your life.
    I am married to a wonderful man who loves me well, but this series was an excellent reminder that we are not exempt from Satan’s attacks and that I need to be diligent in praying for our marriage.
    May the Lord continue to richly bless you and your family. I look forward to reading more!

    • I’ve tried to read the items on this blog. So pure, so precious , so untouchable, so unaccountable. Judgements by wanna be “Christian novelist” (whatever that is) . Makes the Harry Potter novels seem more and real with every item I read, and the bible more and an excuse to point accusing fingers at people one sees for 5 mins in a park , playground , walking in the street, and find fault and “sin” with every scan of the horizon. So much sin, so many misdoings ,one book . Hmm, get off your ivory tower , away from the keyboard. Leave your commercial blog and teach your kids the truth, “there is no god ” this is a “sunshine comment” but I don’t think you will agree…

  3. Tonya-
    Thank you so much for writing this! My husband and I both survived infidelity, and unrepentance by our spouses. We both had to face that God “making something beautiful” out of it didn’t necessarily mean our preconceived notion that He’d patch the fairy tale back together. That our spouses would turn back to Him and we’d have a lovely story to tell. But then God brought us together, 4 little kids EACH, to do ministry together. He has restored us, healed us in ways we both thought were broken beyond repair, given us another story to tell, and made something different but just as beautiful. So yes, our lives are punctuated constantly with “Every Other Weekend”, with the ugliness of exes still angry that they were “found out and held accountable”, but also with the constant beauty of God Himself.
    I am so glad you and Dale found the courage, the repentance, the willingness, to stay together. I’m so proud you have made it a year (plus!), recommitted, and SO glad you are telling your story. The years ahead will stay full of work… you still have so far to go. A friend has survived her husband’s infidelity and 4-5 years later they still stumble across occasional rubble, but God is still the same God, their commitment is still the same, and they work on. I know you’ll do the same, know that you and Dale listen to, submit yourselves to, obey God, and from there, He will do the work.
    Thank you again for sharing your story, for bringing the darkness into your sunny blog so that God’s light can shine even brighter!

    • Don’t you love the Creative God we serve! He was able to make a beautiful mosaic of 2 broken marriages, and bless 8 children with parents that have done the hard “right thing” to forgive and walk in freedom from that. The road to healing is a long one, I agree. There are still times we get frustrated that we still stumble and fall and have down days, but your words resound with me. I think if I just let myself grieve and cry, rather than trying so hard to “be over it” as society is pushing me towards, that the healing in the end will be real. All the yuck will have worked its way to the surface, so that nothing remains to be dealt with later. Blessings to you! Thanks for this great note, ~T :)

      • I learned about your blog via a news post regarding Huma Abedin. Although I have never been an overly religious person, I have found a belief in a greater power in which to tell your troubles to helps- you cant always put the pain into words, but it’s good to know there is some understanding that doesn’t require a verbal explanation. It’s been almost 2 years and the pain is still there. Adding to it is the embarrassment of facing those loved ones who know and pretending everything in okay now. Outwardly things are good, but inside my heart feelings, trust, and security are still in shambles. The thoughts that enter my head when a comment is made or certain things happen. He says it is not fair to keep bringing it up. I don’t want to hear about what is and is not fair. He says it was a mistake. It was not a mistake, it was a choice- a choice that he made, I too contacted the “other woman” and even met her in person once. Her story does not match my husband’s so I don’t know who to believe. Her details do not sound like him, but then I guess I didn’t know him as well as I had thought. It is hard, but like you, we are trying to mend that which was broken, although I do not believe it will ever be the same. I do not judge you- I commend you. My 4 children and their well being is important to me and I do love my husband and I believe he loves me. 16 years is a lot to throw away. We are attending counseling and I believe it has helped somewhat. At least our communication skills are improving. I am glad I found your site. It does my heart good to know there is another out there who doesn’t just say “leave him.” I wish you happiness and healing. Thank you for writing this.

  4. Pingback: Who’s The Enemy Here? « livinginblurredlines

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  7. I am half way through reading this series of posts and I have cried and been awed by your strength over the past two days. You have inspired me to strengthen my marriage even more, to make good lines of communication with my husband be amazing lines. To build up our armor together.

    You are truly one of the most amazing women I have come across in the blog world. Thank for sharing your story. Know that it is helping all kinds of people, people like me that needed to be reminded to keep God in the Center of my life, my marriage, my home and my kids lives!

    Thank you. And God Bless you and Dale!!! Huge Hugs and Kisses from me!!! Praise be to God!!!!

  8. you both are so brave, I know you will help many. My question…how do you talk to the kids? Do their friends question them? I know many who don’t know how to talk to their kids as sex is the unknown. I haven’t read all posts, just found you today. God bless you all.

  9. Hello Tonya,
    I stumbled upon your blog today quite by accident and I was just looking at how people make the decision to have a fourth child. My heart grieves for you and your children reading all of this. Good luck to you. May your renewed hopes be fulfilled this time!

  10. Amazing stuff! So real! You were so gracious. This happened to my husband and I, ten years ago and thanks to God we are still married and strong. But my journey was much more angry. I did not listen to God and it was a bumpy road to say the least. I am in tears reading this because the feeling and the events are all so real to me. You are definitely doing God’s work! Keep it up and God bless you!

  11. Bless you for sharing your story. There are so many marriages facing this difficulty it’s nice to see forgiveness prevail.

  12. I found your blog on Pinterest. Your brokenness has helped me through mine. Thank God for your obedience to share. Look at how long it’s been since you shared, yet your honesty & raw transparency shed light on my current confusion. I learned of the “truth” just 4 days ago. I was at the courthouse with divorce paperwork in hand two days after that. The clerk was unable to file my paperwork because of a change in jurisdiction/branches. Because of the Easter holiday the court is closed, leaving me a whole weekend to sit & wait. I’ve been locked away in a hotel room with my journal, bible, and my smarphone just seeking God’s will and drinking in the wisdom of your experience. God brought you into my life to remind me that I have to fight!!! Thank you so much for pouring out your heart & tears into written form so that people like me could gain the courage to do what needs to be done…take back what the locusts have devoured. Romans 9:16 indeed!!!

    • YES and Amen! I am so so excited you have chosen to fight for your marriage!!!! Dig deep, the war you wage is a tough one, but know, you are never ever alone. AND, the victory is yours, bought and paid for by the blood of Jesus. Seek the help of a trusted Christian counselor who will lead you through God’s word and the rebuilding of your marriage, your faith and your lives as one.
      God bless you on your journey to Brand NEW! Hugs, T

    • Alex,

      So glad you found this blog! Just wanted to let you know I’m praying for you as I write this. And to tell you the first thing that came to mind, in case it is helpful… As I walked through the long road of my marriage falling apart (it didn’t come in a sudden, shocking, revelation, but as the song says, in “a slow fade” punctuated by horrible events) I stumbled over and over again across the verse in Psalm 43:5 – Why are you downcast, o my soul?… Put your hope in GOD… And I slowly learned to put my hope in God, not in my husband, not in an outcome, not in anything but God. It gave me the courage and the clarity to do the next right thing, and I pray that you will have that courage and clarity beyond your natural ability to deal with this. Fight on, sweet fellow traveler, the reward is good.

      • Thank you for the encouragement. I thank you for your prayers. However surreal this all feels to me, I know what you mean by having courage beyond my natural ability. This peace I feel now is soooo beyond my natural ability and I know I will totally be relying on God to hold me up.

  13. I could not find a way to contact you privately, but I wanted to let you know that your series on infidelity has touched my heart and helped me come about to a place of HIS healing. Somehow this morning I came upon your blog, and have spent the better part of 2 hours reading and being touched and convicted by the Holy Spirit through your words. It has been a long road and I know I am just beginning on it, but I thank you so much for sharing your story, your pain and your joy – through you I was able to see there is hope in our Lord even when all seems hopeless, and I thank you again and again for sharing! may the Lord bless you and your family.

    • Thank you for sharing your heart! My address is daleandtonya@msn.com, write anytime. The journey to healing is a long one, surrender it all to Him and walk step by step, day by day….never forgetting that victory is ours, that forgiveness is daily, and that love wins. Blessing to you on your road to freedom and new life in Christ! Even Better than before! Hugs, T

  14. What a strong thing you have done here. I’m sure you have a driving force helping you along the way. It seems like your helping so many in such a positive way that I couldn’t help but start reading myself as I am struggling in marriage now. Thank you for your time and effort and sharing.

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  17. Thank you, thank you. Your heart-wrenching “Surviving Infidelity” posts couldn’t have been more of a godsend for me, a rope of grace thrown down in our pit. The honesty you trusted utter strangers with is amazing . . . the raw, real beautiful mess . . . your tender testimony is a gift. God be glorified. Many of your words literally seemed to be lifted from my heart and taken from my own mouth. Yet, you also offered words of forgiveness and restoration that speak of a promised land we are looking to with hope. Thank you for being so transparent and letting God speak through your brokenness. May He continue to hold you both as you walk forward, choosing to fall together and not apart.

    • It’s comments that this, that motivate us to keep speaking, keep sharing and stay strong in our stand, that brokenness was made to be shared. That hope can be found in midst of what others call “dirty laundry”, proof that ashes can be turned into something of beauty with Jesus Christ our Lord.
      Thank you for taking the time to comment! The road to healing is a long one, but it is a path worth traveling. It does get easier, and it is my hope and prayer that you continue to find truth, hope and courage as you work through the Surviving Infidelity Series and the stages of grief and rebuilding in your own life.
      Bless you……never forget, HE will fight for you, you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

  18. Dear Tonya, greeting from across the globe. I visited your blog from time to time to check on recipes and stories about your cute kids. But today He led me to your blog for other reason. I just got an ugly news last night, that my father found out that my mother has cheated on him. This is my parents we are talking about, they are over 50, have been married for over 30 years, I’m beyond shock. I knew they had few fights before when i was still a kid, but they got over it and stick together for me and my sister (or so I thought). Now my father is retired, but my mother -being a lecture- is still in demand to give lecture around the country. When they are home they are busy with their own project. And they no longer have their kids to keep them together because my sister and I have married and moved out of the city. This is devastating. I know, being the oldest daughter I’m expected to do something, but even I don’t know where to start. I always thought things like these happen only in other family, not mine. I never knew anyone whose parents are divorced, I never even heard my friends have their parents fights at home. But you never know right. That’s when you came in, I never thought infidelity will ever be in the picture of your beautiful marriage, but here I am reading a series of brave stories you share with your reader. At least now I can tell myself that every marriage have their own problem, and they mend it. Divorce is not always the answer. it is possible to save years and years of marriage and not let it ruined by one or two mistakes. I just have to find a way for my parents. All I know is that their marriage means so much more than the two of them, it will affect our marriage and the little family we are trying to build – my sister’s and mine. Thank you for sharing your fights, you are a blessing for many of us.

    • A parents divorce is devastating no matter your age! Maybe its time to call a family meeting and tell them how much you want them to fight for their marriage. Maybe mom needs to read some of these blog articles so she feels heard and understood?
      God is in the restoration business, He WILL fight for them, but they have to be ready to soften their hearts and give Him all the pieces.
      Marriage IS worth fighting for!
      I am so sorry what you are going through, I know your feelings well. My parents separated when I was in college after some horrible news of the same nature, then officially divorced when I was pregnant with Destiny. A lot of my dreams died that day, my little girl no longer had a Nana and a Papa in the same residence.
      Hugs, T

  19. I stumbled on your blog today and it has really helped to give me hope! I found out 8 days ago that my husband of 21 years had an affair. My heart is broken and I feel so sad but your story gives me hope that our marriage can survive! Thank you so much for sharing your story it helped me to know that I’m not the only one who has experienced such pain!

    May The Lord continue to bless your marriage and your family and all who read your blog!

    Heartbroken but hopeful,
    Sharon

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  21. I reading with a broken heart. My story is all too similar to yours. We too had been married 9 years when my husband had an affair with a co-worker. We have 3 children and I am a stay at home mom. My world is completely crushed! Thank you for having the courage to share your journey! Hopefully, one day, I can share mine too.

  22. Pingback: The Prodigal Spouse: Because God is BIGGER Than Your Divorce Papers | 4 little Fergusons

  23. I stumbled upon this page and I could not be more happy I did. Two weeks ago I learned of my husband’s “other woman” and my heart crushed as my world fell apart. The feeling is still so raw and my tears still flow whenever they feel like it (not convenient as a mother of 2 boys with busy lives). I have begun to peruse your blog and will bookmark it so I can continue to draw strength from you and your story. I want to be the wife and mother God intends for me to be so I am doing everything in my power not to act out of my current rage or pain. Thank you for this, you are a treasure…one I’ve never even met!!!

    • You are the reason we were asked to share our heartache, because people need to know God is still in the Restoration Business, total and complete. I hope you find answers and healing on these pages as you hear from HIM. Write anytime! Hugs, T

  24. Thank you for your writtings. Y’all are awesome.
    Please consider adding my book “Can these bones live again?” (Due out in Jan 2014) published by WestBow Press (Thomas Nelson Publishing). Talking about the “fallen church” being restored and becoming the revival. God isn’t finished with His children, even the ones whos sin has been revealed.

  25. Thank you so much for sharing your story! I have been married for 24 years to my high school sweetheart and caught him having an affair with a married woman from work. It took a long 4 months to finally get all the truth. It has been about 4 months since then and he has quit his job where he worked for 22 years and started a different career and is comitted to working things out. I have spent countless hours searching for information on affairs and how to heal from them and I can say I have gotten more help from your story than all those hours of searching. I thank Heavenly Father for prompting you to share so that you are able to help people like me. I look forward to the day where I can look at this trial as a blessing but for now I just have to take one day at a time. The emotional roller coaster is exhausting and really wears me down at times but I count my blessings that with the help from Heavely Father I can attain a heavenly marriage once again. Blessing to you and your lovely family!
    Vickey

  26. Thank you for putting yourselves out there. Your story has helped me tremendously. I don’t feel so alone now. Please know that it was worth it! Thank you for your courage and love for your brothers and sisters in Christ out here whom you do not even know.

  27. My marriage, like yours, is a testimony that with God all things are possible (Matt. 19:26). The short of it is this: year 3 of our marriage my husband was unfaithful. He carried this burden for 4 more years until the Lord allowed it to be exposed in year 7. At this point we had 6 kids ages 10 thru 2. But God is so faithful (1 Cor. 1:9). In year 5 (or so) of our marriage Satan planted a seed in me that because I didn’t flee from, I allowed it to grow roots and gain the ground in my mind. I became obsessed with a man that was not my husband. Every day for an entire year I committed adultery in my heart WITHOUT EVEN BEING AWARE OF IT. But the Lord, in His sovereignty, brought this matter into the light PRIOR to my husband’s confession. My cheating heart required some rebuilding of our marriage. So when my husband’s unfaithfulness was revealed after my own, how could I condemn him for almost the same thing I had done? It took 3 days of fasting, praying, and literally being on my face before the Lord (in a puddle of tears) before I had peace to go forward. The Lord allowed our marriage to become utterly devastated ruins of smoking rubble in order that He could rebuild it with Himself in resurrection. We renewed our vows several months later after God restored us to each other and to Himself. This year marks year 15. My husband is my best friend, lover, and confidante. There is no one in the world that I would rather share my everything with. We are an anti-testimony in an age where SO many marriages testify of divorce, bitterness, and ruin. I share our story so that others may know that THERE IS HOPE IN CHRIST. Praise the Lord, that with Him all things are possible!

  28. Hello, I am new to this blog, but am going through this horrible time. I don’t want a divorce but my husband who was unfaithful he is living with this other woman and has already filed and I am suppose to go sign temporary papers this week. I do believe our marriage can be saved but he doesn’t. I have no choice to sign, in the state I live in is a no fault divorce state so even if I refuse to sign it will go through, and I just want to be peaceful I have 3 kids that are so hurt right now and dont want to make it harder on them. I will wait for my husband even after it is finalized I believe with all my heart he is the one I am suppose to share this life with. Even though I am so hurt, my heart has already forgiven him, I know it takes two in a marriage and that there are things I needed to work on as well. I just hope and pray everynight that he will come back to me, us, and our family.

    • I am so sorry you are going through this. Can I give you some unsolicited advice (take what you think is wisdom and toss the rest…) based on both what my (now) husband and I went through? If your husband is showing no sign of wanting to reconcile, that is where you need to live now, while maintaining hope that in the future, God will grab him and shake some sense into him and bring him back. I don’t know if that makes sense, but the legal system is not kind to anyone who is not proactive in the divorce process. Your husband will have all the say over what happens to your children, your finances, and other things if you sit back and make decisions based on a hope that he will come back. It is a delicate balance to walk in a Godly way in the legal system, to live with hope that you don’t have to actually finalize this horrible process, and yet walk forward with confidence and wisdom that you need to take care of your precious children and yourself so that you can care for them as well. I got some excellent legal advice, was proactive legally, and kept the door open for reconciliation until he slammed and locked it in my face. But at that point, the kids were taken care of financially and were with me. My husband was on staff at a church when his wife left him for another man, and he hung back, not wanting to be the one to pursue divorce, and every area he was not proactive, she took him to the cleaners, which was hard for him but horrible for the children, who ended up in day care 12-13 hours a day and being moved 3 hours from him. We’ve had a 3-year legal process to get the children to a place where he can actively parent them and be involved in their lives. It was so difficult and the kids show signs of the aftereffects every day.
      Again, please take what you believe to be wisdom, and leave the rest. Hold out hope that your husband will return. God can do anything. I pray that he will be miserable until he does return, until he follows God wholeheartedly. But do what is necessary to take care of your kids and yourself today. God works through the legal system, too, to meet your needs and your kids’ needs. I hope you have a wonderful church/family around you as you walk through this. My prayers are with you.

      • Thank You very much for the advice! My husband and I are going to do 50/50 custody the kids need him there as much as possible we were very close family all busy and together, and so I am not worried so much about that. I try to find stories of reconciliation but dont find as many on actual divorce then rec. lots on seperation and getting back together its just nice to read success stories. This is a wonderful source of hope but would like to see some that actually divorced and got back together, I pray everynight morning anytime my kids aren’t right next to me. I am so happy for this blog to show how things can seem horrible and such beauty come out of it! I truely appreciate any prayers that things will turn around and that we will reunite to be stronger and more in love then before!!

  29. Does your husband have an e-mail address, and if so, would he be willing to offer advice and answer some questions for me? I understand if this is not a good time for him with his father in a rough way, so please forgive me if i intrude. I can certainly wait to visit another time if need be. :-)

  30. I have slowly been reading through your blogs and feel I was led to your site, because I have searched this topic so many times and never ran across it. Until a couple weeks ago when I prayed to God to please help me find answers and your site popped up. As I said I have made it through about half of these blogs, and today as I was reading about your Florida vacation , I felt even more reassured that I am reading these for a reason, it might purely be coinsidence but when i came across the fact we are both from Kansas I had a sense of calmness come over me, and that I am in the right place. Thank you so much for these stories it helps me think maybe one day my husband and I might find our way back to each other. I dont want a divorce but my husband who was unfaithful does, I still love him with all my heart and hope if I stay strong and true to my husband divorced or not that hopefully it will be gods will to bring us back together stronger and happier then ever. I pray it will happen before divorce is finalized but I know it has to happen in Gods time. Your words and stories are so inspiring that ,even when satan is staring you in the face his evil sometimes can be thrown away. Hopefully I will be able to finish reading your story soon and keep growing with hope. Hope you all are doing well.

  31. I am constantly in awe of the power of love, grace and God. I was searching Pinterest for decorating ideas tonight when my mind wandered to dark thoughts on infidelity… And how I am trying to recover from it. And then I came upon the lovely images of your family and your posts. I feel so blessed! It’s comforting to know that your family perseveres and prospers despite the damage caused by infidelity in your marriage. It gives me hope! My marriage was devastated by infidelity in 2011 and yet I still struggle. My blog deals with my struggle but yet I haven’t reached the place you have, perhaps one day I will- for now I say ‘thank you’ for your blog.

    Ps I’m also an aspiring amateur photographer… I love all your tips!

  32. Hi there! Thank you for being so raw and real. I stumbled on your site as I was looking for information on heartbreak and infidelity. I saw someone here ask if they could email your husband and you posted the email address. I was wondering if I could pass that on to my husband. He needs someone safe to talk to. Over our 15 years of marriage he has struggled with different things and when we approached leaders in church for help he felt shunned and rejected afterwards. We are in Canada and things have gotten worse. We do not know anyone up here that could help us. He is so fearful of rejection from the church we are at now and we are well known in many churches around us. I have told him we need to go for counselling. He seems to think that bringing flowers and listening to audio sermons will help but this needs to go so much deeper. Reading what Dale wrote was like listening to him. Addiction is a painful process to pull away from. I love him very much but it’s gotten to the point where the hurt has gone so deep I am numb. It would be amazing if we could somehow communicate with you both.
    Thanks again for your raw and vulnerable blog posts. It has encouraged me so much!

  33. I need to thank you for writing this series! I finished it this morning. It is blessing me more than you can ever know. Your transparency and encouragement are helping me survive right now. My husband confessed to me on April 3 of his 9 month relationship with a woman at his job. I am barely breathing under the weight of this hurt. We are broken. Thankfully not destroyed. We are committed to fighting for us, and definitely seeking the One true Healer for restoration. But gosh it’s hard. I don’t even have words for what I feel somedays. Reading your posts has brought my feelings to light and helped me portray to my husband my deepest thoughts and desires that I can’t even manage to speak out loud. I’m a jumbled up mess inside, often rambling nonsense even when I pray. So I just say JESUS! I have sat for hours reading and re-reading your series, most times in the middle of the night when I can cry out loud. Oh how I wish I could hit the fast forward button and get to the years of peace & joy like you talk about in your ‘2 years ago today’ post. I’m trying to hold out hope for that. We have 4 children as well…2 boys & 2 girls. We have been married 9 years. Today is our anniversary. Instead of rejoicing and celebrating, I’m depressed and crying. We barely made it to this day, but we did. So thank you for walking me through this time as I have been lost and confused, wanting to give up. You have helped to hold one more marriage together. May God continue to bless you!

    • Thank you, Shelley! Happy Anniversary! It is a day to CELEBRATE!!!!! Instead of separated, renting a dumpy duplex somewhere to get by, dividing up kids and furniture, you are HOME, TOGETHER….fighting, working, moving towards total and complete Restoration.
      So today, you kiss that hubby of yours on the cheek, you let him see a smile on your face, and you tell him you are glad to celebrate 9 years. That you are thankful there will be many, many more!
      Proud of you guys for fighting for your marriage. The road to healing is so long, but you never walk alone. Exodus 14:14 says the Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still. Work on being still today, and letting him love on you. He is your Abba Father, and you are His beloved.
      Our Heavenly Husbands will always let us down, but our Heavenly Husband, never will. He holds us up with His mighty hand!
      Bless you today, smile…..Jesus loves you!
      Hugs, T

  34. You are not alone in this pain. My d-day was October 23, 2012. At the time, I had an infant and a 2 years old. We are still struggling through. I don’t know if we will make it or even if we should. I just wanted to say you are couraegous. You did nothing to deserve this. There are LOTS of people going through this scenario. I ask myself so often “why don’t people talk about it? Why can’t we just be real with each other?” There is so much misinformation out there about infidelity. Not all infidelity is the same and good Lord there is A LOT of bad advice. The last 18 months I have never felt more alone or judged or hurt but your posts give me hope for wholeness. Blessings over you and yours.

  35. I am so thankful I came across your blog and your posts on Surviving Infidelity. Four weeks ago I learned that my husband had an affair. We have been married ten years and have three beautiful children. I never thought I would have to endure this betrayal and hurt. Ever! But here I am broken and not knowing where to turn. Staying married after an affair is not the common method these days. Its amazing to me that you THINK you know jow you will respond or act if it ever happened to you but once you live it your views change. I say this through tears of relief and brokeness, THANK YOU for sharing your story. It has given me hope and comfort knowing I am not alone. Thank you, thank you! God bless you both!

  36. I stumbled upon this blog and it touched my heart. My Christian wife just divorced me because she no longer loves me. We have been disconnected for some time. I have not cheated on her and to my knowledge she has not me. My heart is so broken and I pray that she will return at some point. Your story helps to give me hope because everyone is telling me to move on and I keep telling them that I made a commitment to the Lord and I plan on honoring that even if we’re not legally married. Everyone thinks I am crazy. I so still love her and want to fix this for God’s glory and for our kids.

      • I also want to mention the blessings that await you for standing by your Covenant made on your wedding day. In God’s eyes, you two are still married, so anything she does, is against that promise and God’s word is clear, to be one with another is an abomination to Him and a sin against your body, which should be treated as a holy temple. Covenants are never to be made lightly or walked away from….
        You are doing the hard right thing, and the hard right thing, is STILL the right thing to do!

    • I am so glad you posted this marc. My divorce is about to be final, and so dont want it,but am glad that you say how much you love her and are holding out hope. I dont feel so crazy feeling that way now. Unfortunately my husband did have an affair with a woman from work, but i just have this overwhelming feeling that this cant be gods plan for my family, and that no matter what has been done, i love him and made the commitment for better or worse. This is the worse, and still hope for some reason we are having to go through this to hopefully reunite stronger,happier then ever.

      • YES! Good for you! Don’t stop praying, that one day, he will see what he had with you, find Jesus and come back. Never stop speaking that hope to him, even throwing in the verbage, “Someday, when we are back together…” Or, reminding him with a text now and then, “You are on my heart today, missing you and praying for you always.” You CAN be Jesus to your wayward spouse, the Bible is so clear that we are to be Jesus to the spouse who is lost, because we just might be the only Jesus they see.
        1 Peter 3:1-2
        “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
        However, the Word also says in 1 Corinthians 7:15-16
        “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?”
        I know these two verses sound opposing, but I think this is a matter of prayer, per unique situation, as to what God is calling you to do. Sorry for your heartache!

  37. Thank you for a positive outlook on a horrible hurt. I am still in the beginning stages although we were already in counseling before DDAY . Prior to reading your blog, I was kind of stuck in a hopeless angry place, but your outlook has made me see how this can be a blessing, in some way if we embrace the process of healing from a place of love. I am not quite there on the spiritual journey and that too is a work in process, but now I have hope and a little more understanding for my husband and the guilt he carries from his actions. He was saying it but you made me hear it. Thank you!

  38. I am the exception here. I am not married. I found last week that my fiancé cheated. We have children from previous marriages, but not together. The only ties we have are a thriving business which was our vehicle for paying for the wedding, kids’ college funds and retirement. Everyone says I should cut and run. But like you, Tonya, I don’t know how to be me without him. I don’t know if I will ever be whole again.

    Is it worth fighting for a relationship with a man I am not even married to? So far, he has done everything right to prove to me that he wants a life with me.

    • I would slow things down and get extensive counseling BEFORE the marriage vows are spoken. Be full and fully healed, then take the next step to be together forever. To think marriage “fixes” things like this, always gets us in trouble. You will know the right answer once you have taken the time to walk the path of healing together. You will see if true change occurred, and if the remorse was sincere. I am sorry you are going through this. Its heart wrenching and difficult to say the very least!

  39. I don’t even know where to begin.,,my husband and I are also going through what you and yours have…I’m not sure how to put into words all the emotions I feel…so much pain..my husband was unfaithful and it is tearing me apart…my heart aches so much I can’t breath..if it weren’t for our children I would stay in bed. I am trying to forgive my husband and heal our marriage. I am so thankful I found you on Pinterest! Oh how I wish we were neighbors so I could come and talk with you and so the four of us could meet! The wound is so fresh, only 5 days since he told me. Again thank you so much for sharing your pain and words of encouragement!! We have spoken with our preacher but other than that I have been alone in this with no one to speak with :(

    • I am so sorry Dianna that you are going through this, that we have all gone through this. It is devastating, one of the worse pains that I think we could ever endure, except the death of a child (of course this is my own opinion). I am over three years out, but what I will say to someone who just learned this deceit, try to take care of yourself. Give yourself time to mourn. You are after all facing the death of a marriage as you once new. It is a long road, not an easy road, but I think that God would be proud of me (or any of us) for building again and forgiving, forgiving, and forgiving, but it could never have been done without his remorse, regret, and him doing everything he can to fix it, – even three years out when I have moments of weakness. Rely on the Lord for your strength. I could have never have done it without Him guiding me.

      • Thank you! I am trying to take it one day at a time. Wish I could have at least one whole day without the horrible thoughts in my head or pain in my heart :(
        I pray for you and yours continuance of endurance and faith!

  40. Tonya,
    I just want to say thanks so much for sharing your heart with others, you’ve helped me so much, I see so much of myself in your surviving infidelity post. I’ve been married to the love of my life for fifteen years, he let the devil almost destroy our marriage, but he is back to God and works everyday to prove his love and trust to me, he’s been very sorry and remorseful for his three month affair with someone I considered a Godly role model in my life- my pastor’s wife. She had several affairs in the church, unfortunately my husband was one of the ones she chose to set her attention on, she was a tool of the devil to destroy homes. I’ve been so hurt, but Ive read all of your post and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing! God bless you and your family!!

  41. Came upon your blog while googling positive infidelity outcomes. I am thankful I did.
    D-day was a month ago today. Still struggling,confused, every emotion all at once. Some days I can think , Yes we can work on this, and then in the next second I am like NO Way.. he cheated it is OVER !! I re-late so well to the shattered “perfect couple” image. But I swear we really were.. (in my eyes and heart)

    H is in counseling and therapy both. I have the divorce papers in my car, which I made him go with me to get. We began filling them out 2 weeks ago amid tears and breakdowns. He wants to rebuild and repair what he has done to us, our life our world.

    I would love to hear an update on this blog on how ya’ll are doing. I have so many questions I would love to ask. I wish my H could hear from your husband to learn .

    I wish more than everything this never happened,but no matter how much I pray and plead it did happen…

    • I am happy to tell you, that total and complete healing is possible in Jesus Christ. The ache in your chest will go away, the tears the spring to your eyes, the gasp that catches in your throat when you think of things….all leaves. Satan still tries to throw things up in our face once in a while, but we know how to deal with it now, we are seasoned warriors, 2 years into fighting for our marriage and winning. Victory tastes sweet, and you love more fiercely, more completely, more thankfully, once you have almost lost everything. Almost walked away from the other half of your heart.
      Please read the series through, all of its in there, from mess to message, test to testimony. Dale wrote too, have your husband read as he can. Posting this series was hard, it was embarressing, it was liberating and it was terrifying all at once. Its for couples like you that we did. Hurting couples that just need to be told that you can fight for your marriage. Victory is already yours, bought and paid for by the Blood of the Lamb. Just keep seeking HIM, filter all you say and do as you heal through the Word. Healing will come, total and complete. As if it never happened. I promise.
      Hugs, T

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