Confessions of a Stubborn Child of God: Part 1 of 3

  It’s Mother’s Day week.  Once again I am bombarded with emotions I can’t always sort through.  This may be the epitome of bitter-sweet. 

  I wonder how many years the sad will collide with the happy this week:

I am the Mommy to 4 beautiful little miracles here on earth. 

Fergusons2

I am the Mommy of 4 little ones in Heaven.  

angel4

  It was the Thursday before Mother’s Day, when I lost my 4th baby. 

 It was the Thursday before Mother’s Day that everything changed for me. 

It was the Thursday before Mother’s Day, that I became free from a heavy heavy burden I had strapped on my own shoulders. 

 It was the Thursday before Mother’s Day, that my arms were freed from the buckets of cement I had been dragging for 2 long, emotionally exhausting years of ‘trying’.

Trying to make a baby. 

Trying to keep a baby. 

Trying to let go of all my preconceived notions of what I “deserved”, what I had dreamed of my WHOLE life, but never really doing it.

  I spent nearly 2 years operating within my own will.

Never letting go, never giving my dream to a Heavenly Father who was asking so gently to have it.  A Heavenly Father who loves me too much to just take it from me.  

 First miscarriage, I was scared, but had hope it was a fluke, just one of “those things”. Second miscarriage, I was scared and sad.  I spent a lot of time crying and worrying.  At this point, my fears were really taking hold.  Maybe I really would only have 1 child of my flesh here on earth.  By the 3rd miscarriage, I was just plain ANGRY! I felt justified in my anger, I didn’t need to let go, I just needed to move forward, try harder. 

And I did, stubbornly embracing my own way….. 

I could have a baby.  I didn’t need God’s help or permission.  What had that gotten me before except 3 lost babies?

Let the charting, pillow propping, fertile day testing, baby making begin. 

And shortly thereafter, success.  

Would this baby be “THE ONE”? The one that would make it and join us here on earth?

  2 weary, stubborn years after our journey to have another baby began, I lost that baby who was not “the one” after all.  I lost the baby the week of Mother’s Day, this brought the miscarriage count to 4. 

  You mean after making it all those weeks, I miscarry Mother’s Day week?!  Life was so unfair!  How was I supposed to face the world with a rounded, oh-so empty tummy?  How was I going to survive a Mother’s Day service at church just a few days away?

My trying didn’t work.  My plan had failed, and I was…….

Broken.  

So very broken and weary. It’s exhausting to act outside of God’s will.  It’s exhausting to run a show that was not mine to run.  I was so very sorry for my stubborn ways.  Sorry I had written my own agenda and left the Lord in the dust in my plans. But guess what?

He wasn’t left in the dust at all.  He never had been.

  Instead, He was walking next to me every step of the way, He was carrying me, cement buckets and all, at the times I was too weak and burdened to even stand on my own.  He was there with open arms just asking, so gently, so lovingly, if I would give my burdens to Him, my fears, my losses, my dreams.  He was asking me to leap and trust Him and His perfect plan of parenthood for Dale and I.

  That Thursday before Mother’s Day, I stumbled to the feet of Jesus, broken-hearted, stooped over, slumped shoulders, dragging my buckets of cement, and I fell to my face before Him. 

I let everything go. 

I gave it all to Him and He set me free.

  He lifted my chin, dried my tears, and told me I was loved. He straightened my shoulders and promised it would be okay. He wrapped me in His arms and gave me the most peace and hope I had experienced to date.  Maybe even EVER. 

  So undeserving was I, so foolish were my choices, my “entitlement” of the past 2 years.  Yet He loved me enough to get my attention.  He loved me enough to give me His peace when I couldn’t achieve it on my own. 

 IMG_9527copyPICNIKb&w _129 (2)  That Thursday before Mother’s Day, I walked away from my need to have another baby here on earth.

   I walked away from it, knowing that I may never hold a flesh of my flesh new baby in my arms again. 

And you know what?

 I was ok with that.  I was going to be ok with that because my Heavenly Father’s plans are so much better than mine.

  Freedom never felt so good.

More tomorrow…..

~T

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “Confessions of a Stubborn Child of God: Part 1 of 3

  1. You’ve made me cry! 😥
    But that’s okay- I’m crying because I’ve been there and feel the same way you do. We’ve lost a child for everyone we now have.
    I am SO grateful for each of my “miracle” babies.
    And I am SO grateful for a Father in heaven who loves me and knows what is best for me. (And who forgives me for thinking I know what’s best.)
    Now go give those adorable kids of yours a BIG HUG! 🙂

    • Thanks for commenting, Mama J! I feel a special kinship with women who have experienced the same losses we have. It’s so hard to explain to someone how attached you are to that precious baby from the moment that test shows two lines forward……

  2. Thanks for allowing me a glimpse into your heart as you deal with God and his planning for your life. Tears are filling my eyes as I read, feel, and understand the misery, and loss, and emptiness of loosing something of value, something precious, but also good. Surely it is right to expect great results when we ask for good things of our Heavenly Father?? Surely He would be eager to answer our prayers? Right? But therein lies the challenge. Do we ask of our own hearts, selfishly, expectantly? Or, do we need to back up one step, and allow God to fill us, direct our minds, our desires, and then allow Him not to become not just a part, but take the lead in our process of requesting His will in our lives? True joy comes from true openness to HIS domminance in our thinking, wishing, planning and our doing. You have blessed me with the revelation of steps in your journey. May He continue to bless you mightily, as you share. I love you!

  3. I happened to stumble on your blog today. And I think there was definately a higher reason for that. I have never experienced a miscarriage. I have 3 beautiful children. But my youngest. My little 20 month old boy is having some developmental delays. At least that is what the “experts” say. Thank you so much for again reminding me that this is all in our Lord’s hands.
    I am so sorry for your losses. But thank you so much for sharing your blessings. I can’t wait to read more!
    Thank you.
    Shannon

    • Oh Shannon, as a momma, my heart goes out to you. I am sure you have spent your fair share of time worrying over those delays! Just keep laying it at the foot of the cross, the Lord knows your heart and He so badly wants to carry your burdens for you. He’s a gentleman like that. Thanks for stopping in today and especially for taking the time to comment. Come back soon! ~Tonya

  4. Tonya this post was beautiful. I have chills. I do believe Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways. I can’t imagine going through all those miscarriages. You are obviously so strong to have endured it, and now you have 4 beautiful children!! Such a blessing!!! : ) And btw.. CONGRATS on being Tasty Kitchen featured member!! So neat!! : )

  5. K I don’t think my last comment went through. Thank you for sharing this Tonya. I have chills. You’re so strong to have went through 4 miscarriages, but such a blessing to now have 4 beautiful children : ) Heavenly Father definitely works in mysterious ways!

  6. Pingback: Today «

  7. Pingback: “Heaven Is For Real”: Part 3 of 3 «

  8. Pingback: 4 Little Fergusons Top 20: #9 – 4 «

  9. I remembered that you had posted this blog a while back and I knew I needed to read it again. I just had my second miscarriage and needed comfort today. Thanks:)

  10. Pingback: Happy Birthday to Tylan! | 4 little Fergusons

I adore hearing from you, comment away! :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s