When I stopped yesterday, I had just walked away from my dream of another child, knowing full well, that I may never hold a flesh-of-my-flesh, new baby in my arms again.
The rest of my story is a happy one. 2 weeks after my 4th miscarriage, and my time of repentance before God, we conceived. Yes, you read that right. Just 14 days after that final miscarriage, a miraculous healing from the Lord occurred in my body to prepare it to hold tightly to the new life that was residing in me.
In 14 days.
We went on to have a boy. A perfect, healthy, bouncy baby boy. His name?
Tylan Zachary: meaning “God Remembered”.
Funny, I am pretty sure He never forgot, maybe it should mean “Mommy Remembered”. Mommy remembered that she is not in control, and God’s ways are better than our own.
I didn’t deserve it.
Why would the Lord grant me my heart’s desires so quickly after 2 years of blatant disobedience to Him? What a God of GRACE we serve!!!!
Each time I became pregnant again, 3 times in 3 years, we fought fear. We did. I think that’s just human nature. And each time we successfully made it through “the Danger Zone”, we breathed a collective sigh of relief, and praised Him for another new life, another surprise miracle on Earth.
I LOVE the fact that all 4 of our kids were surprises to us.
And how profound that the 4 I tried to make happen, reside in Heaven.
Remember that song by Eric Clapton…..”Tears in Heaven”?
“Beyond the door,
There’s peace I’m sure.
And I know there’ll be no more…
Tears in heaven.”
And in the words of my Father in Heaven:
Rev 7:17 For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water; and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.”
Rev 21:4b “…and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain any more, for the former things have passed away.”
Thank you Lord for seeing fit to fill my arms with my 4 little Ferguson’s here on earth……I am truly grateful.
I knew there would be no tears in Heaven. I knew Heaven was perfect, so why was I lying awake at night, stewing that I may never get to meet those sweet babies? Heaven was going to be great, I was going to be happy, what was there to worry about?
Even after that day of releasing my dreams of more children here on Earth, and receiving my new-found freedom in Christ, even after we went on to have 3 more successful pregnancy’s, the questions in my mind remained…..
Will my 4 little Heavenly Ferguson’s know my name when I get to Heaven?
Or will I just have knowledge, that they were once mine?
Will they have physical features that I may recognize them by, like Destiny’s impish grin, Tylan’s squishy kissy-lips, Avery’s almond shape baby blues or Paxton’s big round shaped eyes?
Dare I hope, that I will be greeted with shouts of “Momma!”?
Will I be allowed to sweep them up in my arms, even for a moment, to kiss those precious faces?
A woman’s tendency is to quietly ponder things in her heart, and that is just what I continued to do.
I had been raised to believe that once we entered Heaven, we’d no longer have the title “Mother” or “Wife”, that instead we would be Children of the King and the Bride of Christ. And why would we need to be more than that? We’d be in Paradise with our Heavenly Father!
Still, in the back of my mind, deep in my heart, I struggled to let that desire to meet my children in Heaven go. I struggled to not feel fearful that even my earthly children may not know who I am in Heaven. None of that would matter, right?! Right?!
But I WANTED to know Dale and my kids in Heaven. I WANTED to meet those little lost babies I never had the privilege of holding in my arms. I sought the Lord for years about this, and then He brought me this book:
“Heaven Is For Real”.
Everything. Just. Changed.