You Know You’ve Been Pregnant A Lot When….

   This is the first time in YEARS that I am not about to find out I am pregnant.  (Right, Lord?!?!?!) 

  Seriously, out of nearly 10 years of marriage, I was pregnant 8 times in the first 8 years, most of the time towards the end of my year of nursing.  I gotta tell you, I don’t even know how NOT to be pregnant or NOT have a child hanging from my body seeking sustenance.   I am now neither pregnant, nor nursing.  Pax just quit the last feeding of the day, so in honor of this occasion I’ve compiled a list for you:

~You brush your teeth and are SHOCKED when you reach the back teeth without gagging and dry heaving in the sink.

~You get into your skinny jeans and try not to get excited.  This is because in the back of your mind, the last 3 times this happened, you found out you were PG a couple of weeks later and just had to put them away again.

  {You know what happens after you pee on a stick and those 2 lines show up, don’t you? WHAMMO!!! A giant belly pops out. Bye-bye, skinny jeans.  Hello, elastic waistbands at 7 weeks.}

~After months of being horrified at the amount of hair falling out of your head, you realize once its out, it’s not coming back this go around. Good bye luscious pregnancy hormone-induced locks, Hello thinnest hair you’ve ever had.

~You search your closet frantically for 30 minutes, looking for that cute army green tank top that you wear every SINGLE summer.  You know, the one that matches your cute camo baseball hat.  31 minutes later, you realize, “Oh yeah! That was a Maternity top.”   Oops.

~You look longingly at jalapeno poppers, hot salsa or buffalo wings and think “I can’t, I’ll be up all night with heart burn…..” totally forgetting you aren’t pregnant anymore. 

EAT UP!

~Caffiene, same story.  “Wait a minute, I could have some caffeine if I wanted, I am not pregnant!”  Funny, after years of none, you don’t even like cappuccino anymore.

~You feel a gas bubble and almost for a millisecond think you felt your baby move.   Nope, just gas.  PU!!!

~You automatically adjust the seatbelt below your belly in case of an accident.  Yeah, pretty sure my belly fat will survive!

~You think Saltines are a breakfast food and your stomach instantly churns as you recall years worth of carefully nibbled “breakfasts” over the kitchen sink.  Saltines: The Breakfast of {nauseous} Champions”.

~You look down and catch a glimpse of your feet and are pleasantly surprised you can see them.

~You could lay flat on your stomach now, but after so many years of not being able too, it’s no longer even comfortable.

~You’ve taken Prenatals your entire marriage.

~You go to rest your bowl of ice cream on top of your rounded preggo belly, only to realize its not there anymore.

~No matter how hard you try, you cannot recall the last time you were not Nursing, Pregnant or BOTH!

I say, 4 and NO MORE! 

Hallelujah!

~T

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