Owning My Truth

  I am ready to own my truth.

  On September 1st, I wrote this post: Broken.

  I had to, for I felt fake, limping along trying to remain positive and sunshiny.  Trying so hard to keep this blog normal and happy, but failing.

    I had to let you in on a piece of my heartache, so I could move forward in my tragedy.  And, just as I hoped, you lovingly supported me.  Wrote me beautiful emails and lifted up prayers on my behalf.  Thank you.  If you haven’t read it yet, please take a moment and do so.

  For 9 months now, I have mulled over when I was to share what Broke me in such a way. How to go about it, asking the Lord to show me what to do and when to do it.  Asking Him to tell me WHY I had to share this heartache. 

  And He showed me, in a way I could understand, that this hurt was not to be wasted.  That He had plans to bring me hope and a future, that He planned to take the broken pieces of our lives to create a beautiful mosaic for HIS GLORY.  After He showed me through scripture, He went ahead a confirmed it through 3 different people, who are from totally different parts of my life, each of them having no idea the other person had just said the same thing…..

  I was going to be asked to share, to own my truth rather than hide behind it.

  So it is coming, first thing Monday morning.

The truth. 

All of it.

  This story I will share with you has been baptized and transformed into HIS story. Praise His name!  We are being made strong, because God never orders anything without paying for it, because he is a Gentleman. He wouldn’t have us go through this without supplying everything we need to accomplish it, and He is, He has!

  Satan already tried to stop this story from coming once, when he had my newer Dell crash.  3 computer techies looked at it and deemed it un-salvageable, even ones who had near perfect records of saving the un-saveable.  I was devastated at the hours lost, the sleepless nights writing until wee hours of the morning, wasted.  

  I will not be stopped by the devil. 

  So, as the Lord prompted, I re-wrote the story and it is ready to share. Hours of tears, puffy eyes and sleepless nights have been put into these posts that are coming.  3 weeks of them in fact: Monday through Thursday, April 30th-May 17th.  (Weekend Potluck will continue as usual!)

This will not be light reading, but I hope you’ll stick with me. 

  Now, I will warn you…..

The most religious may not hear it, for it messes with their “religious programing”. They have it all figured out, of course.  However, they will gossip about it to their church friends…

”Did you read what Tonya wrote this week? What was she THINKING!”

Some will have pride issues…..

 “I would never do that, because I do not sin!”

The pious will not lower themselves to hear, or receive it. They don’t want to get muddy with real life problems……..They are too good, too churchy, to admit sin actually happens, because it makes them feel uncomfortable.

“Tonya didn’t need to share that openly. Dirty laundry was not meant to be aired.”

  No matter your stand, it is coming:  Monday, April 30th, 2012 at 7 am.

I have been praying for you for 9 months.  Yes, you my dear reader, that your heart would be ready to hear my truth.

 Because the truth will set us free…..

~T

  

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27 thoughts on “Owning My Truth

  1. I know you & I have talked privately about this but I wanted to leave a comment on here as well. God is truly working through you and your family. I can see it and hear it and feel it. He has not only brought you to a place of healing and peace now but He has given you a true gift of being able to express yourself through writing (and photography). I know these next few weeks are going to be anxious for you as you expose this part of yourself and your life.
    But I also know that there is obviously a greater person. I know most of the comments will be gracious and understanding. But keep in mind who many of these posts will probably be for. I don’t know HIS will but I know there are many people who silently suffer. They will be the ones who will read your posts but won’t comment. They will be shaking their heads and crying because they will understand your pain completely and thoroughly. They will “get it” from their souls, hearts and mind. But after all the hurt, and pain and confusion, HE brings hope and peace. And maybe you’ll be helping to show those silent sufferers a way to lighter, brighter and happier days. We are all imperfect. That is how we were made. But there can be beauty in all of our imperfections.
    I love you Tonya and I’ve come to love all of the Ferguson family for being so courageous through adversity. Praying for you all too.

  2. I am ready, sweet Tonya… I am all about God’s restoring power and I myself am a living testament to the fact that God takes broken things and makes them beautiful. I support you as you obey God in sharing this… hugs!

  3. You’ve got this baby! I am still cheering you on and I love you tons!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Looking forward to you sharing. Thank you for your prayerfulness that has gone into this and waiting for His timing. I am sure I will glean and grow from you sharing. I have seen how the truth really does set you free! Praise God!

  5. Praying, dear Tonya. God is true to His Word….the Truth sets all of us free. He has guided you in this decision, now rest in Him. Love you.

  6. I was brought up to never air your dirty laundry. So, I always suffered in silence. It was a lonely place to be. After I was baptized, I became part of a church bunko group. Wow! Did I ever learn a lot about how women lift each other up and support one another in our daily lives. It was such a beautiful experience for me to enter into this new way of living, openly, not ashamed. I will be praying for God’s will to be done through you, His faithful servant.

  7. Oh sweet Tonya, I’m glad you’re listening to the Spirit and moving forward with courage. Whatever it is, you won’t be getting anything but love and prayer from over here in Chi-town! Vulnerability about our sin is such a powerful way of connecting with one another through prayer, with non-believers by the beauty of transformed lives that were broken–I will keep you in prayer as people respond to your story, whatever it is, and that you will be lifted up and encouraged through the process.

  8. Beautiful…perfect…perfectly beautiful. I Ditto what Brandie said. I do believe this is a giant step ahead…may ALL be well witb your soul today. I LOVE you and your precious family more than words can express…XO

  9. I’m not good and putting how I feel into readable words but I do know that God will use you and your story of “real life” to encourage others to share theirs, to minister to those who may think we as Christians are somehow better than they are and that they are a lost cause. I am praying for your readers too Tonya and I want to thank you, before knowing any of what your story is and what you will post, for stepping out in faith.

  10. Dear One,

    From that very first time I saw you standing in Church on a Tuesday Night way back in Early August – Broken and Shattered at our Children’s Pre-School Round-up my Heart KNEW….. I don’t know why my Heart knew but it did!!! For months I tried to tell my head and my heart NO you are wrong that could not have happened to TONYA of all people…..No it IS NOT that!!!!……But through many many phone conversations where you shared a lot with me but NOT all of it……..and Sunday’s at church my Heart was prepared to accept that what I had known for a long time inside was in fact the truth! And you know what the day that we sat there on the phone and you shared with me “your truth” I was not one bit surprised I was ready to hear in words what I had known for so many many many months!!!

    1.)Girl God has your BACK 1st and Foremost!!!!
    2.)Your Husband and your Family has your Back 2nd and very important,
    3.) Those of us who are fortunate enough to be close to you and share in your life on a daily / weekly basis girl we HAVE YOUR BACK TOO!!!!

    I don’t think, no I am pretty sure I know that there will be difficult moments or times from sharing this “Truth” with the world, but look at those who could easily have turned their backs on you before now…..

    1st your family who have been through “heck and back” with past hurts, DID they Turn their Backs on you, DID they shun you as they very well could have??? DID they forsake you and leave you???

    NO they rallied around you and held on tight and drew you closer!!!!…….
    2nd your Church Family who could have said “This is unforgivable and you are not welcome anymore” DID they say be gone with you….
    NO Because what you have been through is no worse in God’s eyes then that of one who has lied, cheated, purposely hurt a dear one.

    GOD sees all sin the same he does not see one who has murdered and stolen any different then one who has disobeyed their parents or told a “Little Lie” Sin is Sin and it is no more than that and Guess what God will forgive it ALL!!!!! GOD HAS FORGIVEN ALL already it is over and done and look at the Glory that has already come from that???

    So when and if someone or something tries to attack you, belittle you, hurt you, forsake you, with what they are about to hear……..

    Remember this 1st and Always You have Your GOD, You have your Husband and Children, You have ALL of your Family, and you have your Close Friends…..

    We ALL stand by you, we all ACCEPT you and your family, For what you are too us – PRECIOUS Gifts to us from God….

    For as many people who are Upset, Judgmental, or even Hurt by what they are about to hear,

    there will be just as many that are Pulled up from Despair, Given Fresh Hope, Allowed to Breath again for the first time, and even HEALED through your words, your experience, your TRUTH!!!!

    AND THAT Dear ONE……In the End that is ALL that Matters!!!!!!!

  11. Having been raised by a single dad who wasn’t very ‘touchy feely’ with emotions, I learned at a young age to internalize and deal with things on my own. I agree with Kiki, it’s a lonely place to be – but God is so faithful. He brings healing where a hurt seems like it will never heal, joy where we feel we’ll never laugh again, and light to those dark places. “For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.” Luke 8:17. I think you will be amazed at how many people will be able to relate to your story, and be encouraged that God will bring them through their dark days as well. I’ll be praying for you, and looking forward to sharing in your story over the next couple weeks.

  12. Tonya since the day I found your blog I thought you were such an Incredible person to share so much of your self and your family to people you don’t even know.
    I feel like we are friends even though we have never met in person.
    I believe friends should always be there for each other no matter what so I will be here with prayers Hugs and support regardless of what you have to share…..

  13. I don’t talk much about the Lord or Father but I will make an exception today. I have stood in the harsh light of judgment from others many times. When I was a kid, it hurt and caused embarrassement because I didn’t feel “Christian enough”. But as I matured, I realized that those who judge should be pitied because they do not know the deep, abiding and unconditional love of the Lord. Even when I have felt abandoned by Him and cried out that He must no longer love me, I have a knowing that I was only raging against myself and my inability to accept “what is”. And then, when I’ve calmed and asked sheepishly for forgiveness, its always been given. You can rest easy that the He loves you and those who truly practice Christianity, do too. As for those who will act haughty and pius? Well, the Lord knows what I’m thinking about THEM and he’s telling me right now I shouldn’t think like that! 🙂 It will all be fine somewhere down the road. I promise!

  14. Oh my Precious Friend Tonya – how beautifully you have emptied out your soul at the foot of the cross. My heart has been stirred deeply to read your well-thought-out words of expression of your pain. I am thrilled that you are making yourself available to Him and that soo many will be touched and inspired by your story. HE MAKES EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL IN HIS TIME…You are so loved and dcovered in prayer. Thank you for your willingness to share.May our loving Lord wrap His big strong loving arms around you and hold you closely to His chest.

  15. Girl, I know we arent super close but I feel like we are friends just because i care so much for you and look up to you and your family. i am confident that this will help so, so many. i am praying it will free you and free those that read. PLEASE do not waste time worrying about those that judge. it is them that are wrong. you have helped and taught me so many times and i know this will help me as well. thank you, thank you for sharing. i have a feeling i am not gonna be able to get through this song, girl!!!! i can already barely get through it!!

  16. Whatever it is, you are already forgiven. It is not up to any of us to judge you, only to love and support you. Follow your heart, listen to Gods word and understand that you have many friends, myself included, who are here for you, unconditionally.

  17. 🙂 Praying for all those who will come back each day to read your sweet truth. For truth is always hard to face. Love to a friend I’ve never met but we are sisters in Christ!

  18. Tonya, I have been reading your blogs, and oh I wish I could have been as strong as you are.God is waiting with open arms if we just let him have all of us. I so miss you, but I get to see you, your husband, and your children, through Facebook. Years have come and gone, but I think of you dearly. Please know that I love you and will always be praying for you and your family.

  19. Sharing your story tonight with a dear kindred friend who is now walking a similar path. so grateful for your willingness to be vulnerable with the public, so your story can be yet another witness of our God’s faithfulness. Come, Lord Jesus!

  20. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for following God, writing it down, and making it public for so many others that need to hear or see the miracle.

I adore hearing from you, comment away! :)

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