How To Survive Infidelity: The Betrayer’s List

Yesterday, Tonya posted her Top 6 Ways To Survive Infidelity.  It only seemed right that I speak to the other side of this, to the one who caused the hurt.

6 Ways to Help Your Spouse Survive Your Infidelity

1) Cut ties with the other person.  This was not a problem in my case, since it was a one time act, but for those of you in actual relationships with another….FLEE.  Cut ties and don’t look back.  Delete them from your phone, your Facebook, change jobs: WHATEVER IT TAKES.  Your marriage is WORTH fighting for, so do it.  Do not ever enter into a “friendship” with the opposite sex again, it has no place in your life.

2) Be soft & tender before God and your spouse.  You caused this hurt and unspeakable pain to your spouse, now it’s your job to make it right.  Be prepared that the Lord will want to continue to do a work in you, now that the truth is out.  It’s time to step up to the plate, make lifestyle changes, get accountability partners set up, and get the help you need to walk in freedom.  Admit that you made the mistake, own up to it or it will own you!

The more soft and moldable you are during this time, like clay in the potters hands, the less chiseling Jesus has to do to make you HIS.

Watch this video to see what I mean, it’s my favorite:

3) Be Open to Answering Questions & Talk About It. Openly Share Your Remorse.  Unanswered questions grow GIANT in a hurry, where as a truthful answer, quiets those fears and allows your spouse to move past them.  Tonya had many, many questions that were hard for me to want to answer at the beginning, but I knew she needed my truth.  I knew I owed that much to her, even if reliving my mistake made me sick to my stomach and angry at times.  Each and every time she was told an answer, I would watch her struggle to accept it, work through it; cry or whatever she deemed necessary to heal, before a quiet resolve came over her.  A new level of peace was achieved, as she was able to silence those thoughts or questions.

 A truly remorseful spouse is a huge huge huge part of a successful restoration. Make sure you are totally transparent to your spouse, nothing hidden. If she asks questions, answer honestly and FULLY….not just enough info to get her to be quiet for the moment, because if later, she finds you weren’t totally honest, it sets things way back for you both.  The path to healing is paved with difficult choices, being open and forthcoming is key to the successful healing of your marriage.

4) Be ready to scale walls and slay dragons.  When Tonya gets scared she throws up walls between us and takes her heart back, I can feel it happen.  I know this is my fault, I caused her this pain and mistrust.  My job is to not be angry that she pushes me away.  Rather, my job is to scale those walls, and slay those “dragons” (fears) that are holding her back, and lovingly swoop her in my arms. We are to be our wives heros, their rescuer, their knight in shining armor.  Trust is hard to build, and easy to break.  Give you and your wife both extra grace during this rebuilding time.  And TALK about things. (see step 2)

5) Put On Your Armor.  It is ESSENTIAL that satan is unable to attack you in this manner again. You have been burned once, be on the look out for him to lure you back to that pot of water again.  You KNOW the consequences this time, you KNOW the tools the enemy used last time to make you fall, so be on alert for those.  You want to win the war? Then be sure you know what your enemy is bringing. 

   Putting on the Armor means being in God’s word, DAILY. Being on your knees before him, DAILY.  Seeking His help to be the man He has wanted you to be all along.  When you put on the armor, you are essentially putting on Jesus.  Anything you say or do, listen to or look at, must FIRST get filtered through your Jesus armor.  Look at it that way, and it’s a total game changer!

6) Forgive Yourself.  I don’t have a lot to say here, except that I am still working on this.  Some days are easier than others, but remembering that Jesus spread my ashes as far as the east are from the west, keeps me going.  Why would I want to keep swimming out into the ocean to gather up my transgressions again?  I just end up wearing myself out.  Jesus died for ALL sins, and there are no levels of sin, none worse than another in my Father’s eyes.  I am working on living this out.

I hope this can help you and your spouse to heal.  God is the great Healer, He wants to put the pieces of your marriage back together for His glory, if only you will give Him all the pieces.


8 thoughts on “How To Survive Infidelity: The Betrayer’s List

  1. Thanks Dale for those awesome words of wisdom. God bless you as He continues to use you to minister to many others. Praise God for second chances and His Amazing Grace. Thank you so much for being transparent and sharing your heart with so many. You are loved so much. I think I’ve said this before…KEEP GOING FORWARD, DON’T LOOK BACK – YOU’RE NOT GOING IN THAT DIRECTION. XO

  2. Thank you. Daryl and I read this together. We’re trying, working so hard to keep Satan away from us. You and Tonya ‘s words so are encouraging to us. We read and reread every word.Thank you both for sharing from your hearts. Love, the koestel’s

  3. You are an amazing man Dale . Thanks to both you and Tonya for being so open in your journny! We all have our battles and you guys are an encouraement and a blessing to us! Remember God loves you ,God is with you,God is FOR you!!!

  4. I’m amazed! This is wonderful! It takes a lot of courage to get to this place and on both parts! Congrats to Dale for being a man like you are and most of all to Tonya for being accepting and forgiving. This could have never happened without the 2 of you working on this together. A truly A-MAZ-ING couple, if yu ask me!!

  5. Dale and Tonya: I wish every person in the world could read every word of what you both have written. Marriage and relationships are not a game to be played. I know the pain of a destroyed heart which is a pain like no other. I will pray for you and my own kids daily since there is so much evil to face. I pray that God will put his protective arms around families. Thank you do much for opening your lives up to help others avoid heartache. Julie Shelton

  6. You are such an Amazing couple thank you for sharing so much of your personal life’s battles with all of us to get strength form may God continue to add his blessings to your family.

I adore hearing from you, comment away! :)

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