I sometimes feel as if I will crack under the pressure of it all…..
Broken, restored, repaired, renewed, but still hurting Wife of Dale.
Mommy. Mom. Mo-om. MOOOOOOM. MOM!
How could I forget our play date?
Oh no! It was my turn for Weekend Potluck shout outs?!
Oops, I had 3 photos sessions AND a big wedding this weekend. How in the world did I quadruple book myself?
I am not going to lie. The “old” Tonya was never very good at a busy calendar. She much preferred to stay home all week, leaving only occasionally for a grocery shopping spree, quick photo session, church outing, or something as a family. She carefully juggled all the balls in the air of wife, mother, tidy house keeper, chef, friend, helper.
This new Tonya, doesn’t do busy AT ALL. I can’t balance it well. Yet, I am busier than EVER.
You know what my friend taught me about BUSY?
Yup, pretty sure that’s the truth. And that’s why we have THIS truth:
Unless you have been through a marriage tragedy or betrayal, I think it’s hard to understand the burden of just SURVIVING the fight for your marriage each and every day. Not the fighting like with each other, but that “tug of war” with satan for your very marriage. It is a real and prevalent battle, each and every day.
It’s like the choosing of good thoughts, falling back in love, choosing joy, rebuilding that TEDIOUS glass house of trust again…….all take so much effort, we can barely manage to do that and be the parents God wants us to be. Those 2 factors taking the majority of our hearts and time without any “extras”.
I had someone write this past week and say they were glad the Infidelity Series was done, and that happier posts were here again. That’s all fine and dandy folks, but here is the deal:
I may be writing about Kitty Cats and Tacos, but inside, I am STILL crying tears over the loss of my marriage as I knew it. I may smile and laugh on the outside, but joy does not reside fully on the inside. It’s all still too raw, painful.
We recently went to a marriage conference. They said: “Joy is like the current underneath the ocean. Real and present and moving in our lives. Happiness is the waves that crash on the shore, then recede at times. “
My joy used to bubble out of me, a steady moving stream underneath the surface. My eyes used to shine and sparkle, because I was THAT joyful and happy. I miss that.
I want that desperately. I want to be that Tonya again, but I can’t. I don’t know how to find the joy I lost last summer on that day of “TRUTH”.
I am thankful that happiness crashes up on my shore very regularly now, that is a nice change from the days I wondered if I’d ever laugh and smile again. I know this all takes time, I do. But it feels like after nearly a year, we should be better. Remember, I am a Tonya-land, sunshine and lemonade kind of gal by nature.
The past few days have been tough for Dale and I. We aren’t connecting like we usually do, because the devil is really attacking us. Causing our souls to search for each other but not connect. A big part of this, is because I AM NOT HOME. I am investing in lots of good things, but I am just now seeing, that everything I give to the world, steals from my energy source in a much larger way than it used to.
The Lord knows what we need. I love that about Him. He knows me better than I know myself.
Look what showed up in the mail yesterday from an anonymous party:
A necklace with “my” verse on it.
Psalms 126:5 “Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.”
The world around me quieted when I saw it slip from the package, and I gasped when I pulled the necklace out. I knew this was my promise today.
Because JOY comes in the morning.
I feel like He was using this to encourage me that soon…..soon my harvest of joy would come. It’s ok that it’s not here yet. Unrealisiticly, I had hoped after the Vow Renewal, Viola! A new beautiful us.
The Vow Renewal was an amaaaaaaazing moment in the timeline of our healing journey. It was a HUGE step in the right direction, but I am seeing that we have a long ways to go. I am also realizing that I am weary, because I am fighting for my marriage. Forgetting I have to keep asking the Lord to help me fight. He is standing there next to me, like the gentlemen He is, not taking from me, but asking for me to hand it over……..
To share my burden with Him.
To remember that I have planted a LARGE crop of tears and that my harvest of joy is COMING!
To ask him to fight FOR me, because job is to BE STILL, and that is so so so hard!
Head on over to The Adopt Shoppe on Etsy. Or find them on Facebook. There are many, many beautiful necklaces to choose from, and all proceeds go to fund this precious families adoption. Kate is selling some AMAAAAAAZING pieces!
And I am so very blessed to wear one of them around my neck.
Thank you, friend, whoever you may be, for obeying the Lord’s prompting, and sending me a promise, in necklace form, on the EXACT day I needed it.