Sex Within Marriage: Desire Not Duty

Are you guys hanging in there?  I know this is a highly sensitive subject, but one that I feel needs to be talked about more.  One in 3 marriages struggle with mismatched sexual desire.  Some studies even find that some married couples only have sex 10 times a year.  WHAT!? 

  This is NOT what your Heavenly Father had planned.  His desire is for you to have some Red Hot Monogamy within your marriage!  Did you know that a survey done for “For Women Only” showed that even if men were getting all the sex they wanted, 3 out of 4 men would still feel empty if their wife wasn’t both engaged and satisfied?  This means we need to work towards our DESIRE for our husbands, not simply acting in duty.

Desire not duty

   Today’s post comes from Joy at Simply Bloom and her Re-Discovering Red Hot Monogamy blog post.  It’s a fantastic read!!!!!

  “SEX. It’s everywhere, except where it matters most.  We live in a sexually saturated culture, with the only voice we ever hear being the corrupted addicted, perverted one of the world, exploited by the media.  Why on earth is the church mum on this topic? 

  Why are we allowing our sex lives to slip down the tube, unnoticed, un-discussed, as though it were not the magnificent gift – and powerful weapon – it is?”

  Sadly, we’ve bought into the lie that it’s the ‘heathens’ that get to have the fun, wild, creative sex…and we, the prim and proper church folks, get relegated to the ‘missionary position’ {pun intended}; the boring, predictable, two-dimensional left-overs.

Seriously.  Enough with that nonsense!

  We should be talking as loudly, if not louder, about this mysterious gift God gave his most beloved creation, mankind.  Sex is mind-blowingly incredible…and it’s because God made it that way.  On purpose!

God intended for the marriage bed to be a place of toe-curling, kick-the-nightstand-over sex; madly passionate, deliciously intimate connectedness.

   Why do we settle for so much less?

  We’re doing our marriages, and our children’s future marriages, a disservice by not talking about this subject.

  The marriage relationship was designed to be a tangible expression of God’s heart toward His church; a great love-affair marked by unconditional love, passion, faithfulness, selfless service, and vibrant communication.

  Sex is dear to God’s heart, and anything dear to His heart, Satan tries to steal, distort and misuse as a weapon against the heart of man.  Only something as powerful as this rouses the enemy to corrupt to such an extreme.  Just read the news.  On second thoughts, don’t.

  What a devastatingly destructive weapon sex has become in this world.  At the core, it is lust, unabashedly tainted by greed and selfishness, with a voracious hunger for power and control, and it often results in addiction.

Let me be clear when I say, this is not the sex I’m talking aboutI want to look at the stunningly intimate, life-giving, spirit mingling gift of sex between a husband and wife….”

Christians should be having the best, most invigorating, creative sex ever!

We’ve got to stop feeding the lie that “good girls” don’t have fabulous sex with their husbands.

I strongly believe it’s the overflow of this faulty understanding about God’s heart toward sexuality that has many marriages in the church today suffering from a case of watered-down, resentment-laden sex.  A far cry from the ever-growing, relational oasis it was designed to be.

And because no one talks about this, except maybe the Cosmopolitan-reading ‘bad girls’, we suffer in silence.

It’s a dangerous dynamic that has the potential to destroy a marriage if not addressed.

“Sex is the spice that rescues our relationships from becoming mundane pursuits of chores” – Bill & Pam Farrell.

If you even wondered how important sex was to God’s heart, notice that He dedicated an entire book to a detailed, juicy exploration of the topic.  Find some time to slip away and read Song of Solomon 2:3-17 and Song of Solomon 4:1-7.  It’s steamy stuff!

You see, sex is like glue in marriage.  The mortar of the marriage structure.  It requires the ultimate sacrifice of vulnerability, humility, and selflessness.  And it immediately creates a shift in the ‘climate’ of your relationship, and ultimately, in your home.  A sexless marriage will cause ripples in every area of your life.  Nothing is unaffected.  I realize this is a tough reality to accept, but know that there is always hope.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, puts it this way…

“Men need validation. When they come into the world they are born of women and getting their validation from mommy is the beginning of needing it from a woman. And when the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like a hero, he’s very susceptible to the charms of some other woman making him feel what he needs. And these days women don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how they can give a man what they need… I hold women responsible for tossing out perfectly good men by not treating them with the love and kindness and respect and attention they need.”

  Do we fully grasp, as wives, that when we said ‘I do’, we were committing to be our husband’s sole source of sexual satisfaction for the extend of our lives together.  Sure, other {unhealthy} counterfeits threaten to creep in from time to time, but the responsibility to meet those God-given needs lies in our capable hands. 

Because sex has the power to unlock your man’s emotions…and you’re the one holding the key…it is inconsiderate – and frankly, un-Christlike – to withhold that gift from him.  Strong words, I know.  But if we refuse to do our part, there will always be another eager to fill our shoes.

Our men no longer need to go looking for opportunities to sin sexually – it literally knocks at their door several times a day.  We have the incredible ability {the power and honor} to help guard their hearts and minds in the fight.

Fight for your husband, beloved!

Our bodies are so very, very different, and while we do comprehend that on many levels, we often don’t realize the implication that has in the intimacy department.

Men are indeed like microwaves…hot and ready in a matter of nano-seconds, and satisfying them is relatively uncomplicated, comparable to a blindfolded attempt at ‘pin the tail on the donkey’.  Women, on the other hand, are the {sadly infamous} crockpot.  The one with a whole lot of buttons and knobs.  You know the one.  You’ve got to twist this 37 times, press that, move this lever 52 degrees clockwise, tweak this little button for 12 minutes and then pray it’s plugged in properly, because if it’s not…dude, you’ve got to start all over again!

Not really, but you get the point.

God made us this different on purpose! It takes time and effort and communication and a whopping dose of sense of humor to pull this stuff off!  All valuable qualities to cultivate in a marriage.

Don’t give up…practice makes perfect!

When we realize that our husband’s desire for connecting with us intimately goes deeper than a superficial, physical need for release, we may be more inclined to bless his heart by pursuing his body (and jumping his bones).

As a side note, and in talking about the importance of meeting his need for physical intimacy – which motivates a desire in him to meet our need for emotional intimacy, it would be remiss not to mention the wisdom {oh, husbands…are you listening?!} and importance of a man intentionally touching his wife’s heart first {it’s all about both partners selflessly giving 100%…not just a half-baked effort in the hopes you’ll meet in the middle).

Allow me to explain…

Mark Gungor talks in his series, Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage, about the access points to men’s and women’s hearts.  Aptly named the “happy” place.

Okay…now put away any persnicketiness, dust off your sense of humor and work with me on this one, okay?

For a man to touch his wife’s {ahem}, he needs to access her heart first.  Or as Mark succinctly puts it…”be nice to the girl!”.  And as we’ve discovered, for us to really access our hubby’s hearts…we often need to touch his “happy place” first.  Or at least make sure it’s getting enough, um…happiness.

The Happy Place

Cue the oxytocin, and voila!  It’s magical.

Or something.

Sex is a balm for their weary souls. Our husbands are out there everyday – them against the world – they desperately long for a safe place to come home to, to be completely real and vulnerable, and to be fully accepted and loved. Our desire for them fuels them in a way we will never fully understand {Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only}

Show Me Mine, And I’ll Show You Yours:

It’s amazing how easily – because they don’t always touch our hearts first – we put off meeting our men’s needs until we feel ‘primed’.  And while it seems natural – after all, it’s really hard to be sexually vulnerable with someone you don’t feel you’re emotionally connected to – we’re basically declaring, “fill my emotional intimacy tank (while you’re running on the fumes of an oil rag)…and only then will I consider filling your physical intimacy tank.  “Me first.  You second”.

  It takes remembering the depth of love {1 Corinthians 13:4-7} I’m called to offer my precious man – that was first offered to me in the midst of my sin and rebellion – to correct my heart.  When I lay down self and meet his needs first – even when my tank is feeling empty – he is passionate about meeting my needs.  It initiates an energizing cycle in my marriage.

  We are in a battle for our husband’s hearts. The phrase ‘it’s okay to look at the menu as long as you eat at home’ is absolute bollocks.  And our husbands know it.

The Bible says that an affair of the heart is very much an affair {Matthew 5:27-28}.

  God created men to be visual creatures – don’t bemoan it and whine about it, work with it, sister!  Take it up with their creator if you have an issue with it.  And in case it needs to be said…”don’t be modest behind closed doors!”.  Our husbands love being entrusted with the most intimate, brave, wild side of their wives.

Embrace your inner ‘goddess’…and for Pete’s sake, let her out a little more often.

  Don’t forget that even sexier than our girly figure in the bedroom, is our Godly confidence in the bedroom!  So let’s do what it takes to get comfortable in our skin.  When we feel sexy…we are sexier to our men.

  Be intentional about smiling at him again whenever he walks into a room.  Laugh easily.  And stop being so easily offended.  Learn to flirt again….”

  A big thanks to Joy for allowing me to share parts of her book.

Do you want to take this home with you, highlight read and devour more?

Buy Joy’s Book! XES: Why Church Girls Get Tend To Get It Backwards


Shared with To Love, Honor & Vacuum’s: Wifey Wednesday!

17 thoughts on “Sex Within Marriage: Desire Not Duty

  1. Yes. Thank you for sharing this!! You are so right–we NEED to be talking about this. Christians SHOULD be having the best sex because we are God’s children and sex is one of his best gifts to us! I absolutely love Mark Gungor; we’ve watched the DVD’s of “Laugh Your Way” half a dozen times. I actually really needed this reminder today… thank you!

  2. Thank you for sharing this. I really needed to read this right now. After being married for almost 20 years, it is sometimes hard to remember sex is very important to a marriage.

  3. THANK YOU for sharing this! I knew most of this, and I really do try to live this out for my husband, but reminders never hurt 🙂 I appreciate you being so open and honest about this subject, as everyone should be. I think more marriages would be on a better track and the younger generation would have a better start to saving themselves for their future spouse if sex and the benefits of it in marriage was a common subject. Thank you again for sharing what you do. I love reading your posts!

  4. I am thankful you are talking about this. I think it is great! However, I usually leave these conversations feeling down because my husband and I for the most part do not fit into the stereotypes and generalities that it seems everyone makes about men and women and sexuality in general. While I do believe God created men and women different, I cringe when I hear people say God made men visual and because of that women some how have a responsibility to it. I don’t see support of it from scripture and I think men have used it as a crutch. We were both created visual. We were both created to connect emotionally. And we both have a responsibility to steward our bodies/minds/eyes well. I would just love to know what sexuality looked like without the filter of our Americanized/westernized way of looking at scripture (like Song of Songs).

    • Excellent thoughts!!! Although I do think a lot of men are very visual, I too think it has become a crutch over the years!!!! And that the burden should be shared of women dressing and acting like ladies, and men who behave and think as a gentlemen should. I dont know about you, but I would’ve loved to live in the days of coffed hats, jackets over puddles and standing when a women left the table! 😉

    • Some great questions and thoughts Megan! And I agree with you, that we are both created to be visual and connect emotionally, just read Song of Solomon/Songs! =)

  5. It takes a lifetime to learn to satisfy just one woman, and this brings a man true happiness. Also, I would challenge you to read Pope John Paul 2’s Theology of the Body, Humane Vitae. Its fascinating!!

  6. Thanks so much for your post! I think it’s a great thing to be reminded of. A women can have a huge impact on their man by how she responds to him in his wants and desires from her. I dont want to take away from anything that was said, because it all is very true. However as much as this can be encouraging to one, it can be discouraging as we’ll for those like myself ( I know Im dont bear any blame) those who have given themselves to the best of their knowledg to their man and he has chosen to walk away from her because he has found someone who is better at making his feel like sharing his emotional feelings. If there is anyone out there like this, I pray a blessing on your life for what you have given and may you have the same attitude like God did for His children. No matter what!!!!

  7. I am so enjoying these post! So much to take in!!! I am saving these and am going to come back and reread these!
    You are doing such a GREAT job writing these! Keep it going!
    Looking forward to tomorrows post.:)
    ❤ and {{HUGS}}

  8. I LOVEEEEE this! Thanks for posting! I am all about some sex with my husband! Young couple been married 3 years, together 5. With a 2 year old. Still have hot, steamy, sweaty, LOUD SEX! And lovin every minute of it. Btw I love reading your stuff. stumbled upon it on accident and started reading and been hooked every since. Although I don’t get on your site often. Keep posting on FB so I can be sure not to miss anything.

  9. I love this and agree 100% but I feel this is geared towards women who may turn down their husbands advances. But what about the woman’s needs? What about the women whos husbands choose to sleep over sex. Ive tried reasoning, I’ve tried crying, now it just turns into a one sided argument. Its not about him just being tired. He just womt understand where im coming from and now im contemplating going outside of my marriage . And I hate that I even think that way sometimes. He just brushes me off if i explain to him he has a duty to me as well. I guess he just doesnt take me seriously which makes me feel like I have to PROVE To him that ill go elsewhere.

    • I am so sorry to hear this! There are some other ladies that commented with similar issues in their marriage. Sometimes it comes from poor health and low libido, sometimes a porn addiction, sometimes just a personal issue of being too closed up for open themselves for a sexual encounter. Sex is such a big part of being married, I think this is one of those times, where finding a trusted Christian counselor or pastor, would be a wonderful next step! Sheila also has some wonderful articles about this on her website, To Love, Honor & Vacuum….

  10. Pingback: That 3 Letter Word….. | 4 little Fergusons

  11. I love this article, but it is not always so perfect between my husband and myself. He likes it all the time, and I sometimes am not really in that mood. I try not to deny him, even if i am not in the mood, but the way I “work” through this “duty sex” is not considered to be something “holy”? Sometimes I let my mind wander back to when I was single and having a “good time”……and it works every time. Granted he doesn’t know the difference, but is that something to talk to a counselor about?

    • If you can get in the “have a good time” mindset, without thinking of other men, I don’t know that that is a problem. You want to feel sexy and good, and if thinking back to a carefree time when you felt sexy works, great! The Bible is very clear on wandering minds and thoughts, though, and how its the same as having sex with that other person. I know you didn’t mean it this way, but I am sure it doesn’t feel really great afterwards, knowing you had to think of someone other than your spouse to get through.
      Sex is to be a time of unity between man and wife, and time to reconnect as one, souls and body. When one person is off making grocery lists or thinking of the past in their head, its hard for that connection to truly occur on a satisfying level for both of you. I hope that makes sense.
      A lot of men need to be reminded, gently, that a woman takes a while to warm up, and needs to relax and kiss for a while first, not just get straight to the deed. This whole series on Sex covers a lot of it, and I think its amazingly true, that the more you connect with the right kind of love making, not just sex itself, the more you both want it. If the desire could be mutual for a lot of sex, just think of how much fun it could be! You all would be like crazy newlyweds all over again! 😉 Things are always more flirty and fun, and couples just seem to enjoy each other much more, when they have had sex regularly. About every 3 days is a good goal.
      If you know this, and you know its day 3, then you can take a long shower, send a loving text, head to bed early and light some candles, and just all day long be in the mind set, that tonight is THE night….make the most of it and enjoy the gift sex is to be for married couples! Thanks for writing!

  12. Barf.

    I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

    You see I’m married to a “christian” man, who, as it turns out has narcissist personality dissorder. Disturbing dissorder.

    Essentially, he can only do loving things as long as you keep supplying praise to fill his deep dark hole of lack of self esteem.

    For years, unable to understand what in the world was going on in my marriage, I continued to give and give and accept the guilt he dished out because I wasn’t doing my christian wifely duty. He blamed me and I blamed myself. He reminded me that if temptation came his way it would be MY fault. I saw Drs. Counselors. Meditated hours upon hrs on God’s word. Prayed continually. Yet, I could never live up to his interpretation of what my widely duty was. In his eyes I’m a disobedient christian wife.
    Yesterday (sunday) he was so angry with me he threatened that if I wasn’t in the car in 10 mins he would leave for church without me.

    When we got to church I said I wanted to walk from the parking lot (cause I prefer walking in together) he still drove me up to the front door. When I said I’ll just get out in the parking lot with him he said “so much for love, honor and OBEY”.
    As we walked together from the parking lot (with my daughter) he takes off and goes in the office entrance without saying anything…you see, this wonderful “christian” man is an elder and has a key to get in….yes an elder.

    And I’m left reading pie in the sky blogs about my responsibility to provide my narcissistic husband all the hot passionate sex he desires.

    Quite honestly, I don’t think your writing this out of anything other than ignorance that some christian women are living very, very difficult marriages. The sense of “just do it better, more, read your bible more, and love him better” is so north American fairy tail-ish! The idea that we are the authors of the good and the bad in our lives. Sometimes you do exactly what God says and you wind up with awful circumstances. It happens.

    I know that my God has the power to save me….but even if he chose not to. He is still my God. (Daniel)

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