Welcome back! We are continuing our Series on Sex, God’s Way with a guest post today from a friend of mine! Just tuning in? Then get caught up on the 4 previous sex posts, here.
A Guest Post by Angela Clark Logan
Hello! My name is Angela Clark Logan. I am a mother of four amazing kiddos and wife of one incredible man. I grew up in a little town in the mid-west where I learned to love small-town values and dreamed some big-city dreams. I attended Ozark Christian College and earned a degree in Biblical Literature and Music Ministry. While at OCC I met my husband, Scott, and for eight years served next to him in local ministry. Now he teaches junior high and high school music, and we continue to minister through our local church and the Men’s and Women’s Encounter ministries.
It was through Women’s Encounter that I had the opportunity to meet Tonya and hear her incredible story. We have a common passion for helping women succeed in their marriages, and I was thrilled when she asked me to partner with her in this series. I pray that through these posts, Tonya and I will equip you with the tools you need to not just survive in your marriage, but THRIVE. Read more of what God has been teaching me at My Heart Ministry.
Chocolate.
It’s the best coping mechanism ever invented by man. Especially the dark kind. I know some of you may disagree, but for me, there are days when I just need a little chocolate to get me through. Just one little bite, and as it melts in my mouth the frustrations and stress that are bombarding me just melt away with it.
Ah, yes…chocolate is a glorious thing. Even my husband has learned the value of chocolate. As I sent him to the grocery store one evening, he asked if there was anything else he could pick up. I looked at him and sighed, “sanity.” When he returned he set in front of me a bag of Ghirardelli chocolates. Sanity in a bag. And he didn’t even make me share.
It is said that chocolate is the next best thing to sex. In fact, I think many women would confess that they would rather have chocolate than sex. I would bet, though, that their husbands would rather go the rest of their life without so much as a nibble of chocolate if it meant they got to have sex on a regular basis. Did you know that men are actually created to need a sexual release about every three days? My friend and author Cindy Dagnan writes, “Sex is as necessary as breathing for most men… because of the periodic buildup of seminal fluid, they actually need it.” Stephen Arterburn adds in his book Every Man’s Battle that “For most men, this buildup…takes only about seventy-two hours.” We cannot deny that our husbands are sexual people; it is indelibly woven into who they are. And yet we girls continue to justify our reluctance to have sex with our husbands.
I’m going to be very blunt for a minute: all too often, our reluctance really just boils down to us being selfish. Oh, we have our reasons, but when it comes right down to it, we aren’t having sex with our husbands because we just don’t want to.
Look at it this way: If you had decided to start eating really healthy, how would you feel if your husband sat down next to you with a big plate of whatever your favorite treat is, be it cookies or pizza or buttery popcorn? It’s right there where you can see it, smell it…almost taste it. But you can’t have it. Would you feel loved by your husband? I think most of us would want to smash his face in it! But do you realize that this is what we’re doing to our husband every night when we climb in next to him with no intention of making love to him? We snuggle up next to him (just to sleep, of course!) wearing nothing but a thin little nightgown. He can feel you beside him, he can hear you breathe, smell your scent. But he can’t have you. Ouch. Changes the perspective a little, doesn’t it?
So what’s a girl to do? Start by being intentional in how your love your man. View sex as a way of meeting a legitimate need, as something very special that he desires FROM YOU, and as a way that you can bless him and show him that you love him unconditionally and without reserve. One way that you can be very intentional is by being the one to initiate.
I know that initiating sex can be an intimidating thing for us wives. It requires us to be vulnerable and to step completely out of our comfort zone. But it is so worth it; you will be amazed at your husband’s response! He will be thrilled that you love him enough to initiate! It will take a little practice, but with FREQUENT practice it will get easier. You can get really creative and romantic with it, but it can also be as simple as having a special candle to light, a “signal” of sorts to let your husband know that it’s his “lucky” night. Maybe you can leave a card on his pillow that says, “Tonight I’m Yours.” Find something that works for you and then do it!
Sex within marriage is a beautiful thing. Even if you don’t feel that emotional, romantic kind of love, sex can be an expression of your commitment to your husband. (And it might even help you develop those lovey feelings!)
Here’s my challenge:
Think back on what I said about men needing a sexual release every three days, and then commit to making love with your husband at least every seventy-two hours. And by this I do not mean to simply make yourself available to your husband. You must actively engage in sex with him not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally.
And yes, you’ll need to initiate, especially if he’s so used to being turned down that he doesn’t even ask anymore.
Decide today that you will actively and intentionally meet your husband’s need for sex, leaving no more than three days in between encounters. You may find your marriage renewed, your husband energized, and yourself needing a little less chocolate.
~Angie
A GREAT BIG Thank you to Angie, for being here today to share her heart and passion with us. She will be back next week, so be sure to tune in Monday for the continuation of our Sex God’s Way Series! She has lots more to say on her blog, My Heart! ~T
4 little Fergusons 
Love it! 🙂 We did a 30 challenge once….it wasn’t realistic to everyday for 30 days but it was sure fun trying to figure out a way!
Good for you! I’m sure your efforts bled over into the rest of your marriage, too, and brought bountiful blessings! Sometimes I challenge women who really struggle with this to initiate every night for ONE WEEK…it is amazing how much a husband’s disposition changes as a result of doing this!
T-
This is getting out of control. Your innocent blog about recipes has turned into a full fledged cosmo like page. I’m not saying this to be mean, or disagree with what you are saying, but simply to remind you to think of a few things…
1. This blog is being automatically posted to Facebook. Anyone who is friends with someone who is liking or commenting on these posts can see your latest blog topic. Think about the numerous children (18 and younger) who are possibly seeing your post on “ways to reach orgasms” This is inappropriate on SO many levels.
2. I would like you to guide me to the biblical reference where Jesus is “calling us to talk about sex” Help me if I’m wrong but I have not come across one.
If Jesus wanted us to walk around talking about sex, he would have been doing it himself. He is our perfect example of how to live and what mindset to have and his was never on this subject.
Again, I am not trying to hurt your feelings or call you out on anything, but I would like you to think of who can view these posts and the kind of stumbling it could cause them to have.
~ A caring friend
Dear Caring Friend,
I appreciate you taking the time to write this. I have several thoughts going through my head immediately, like if you are my caring friend, then why can’t you sign your name? It would be so nice to know who I am talking to.
Second, may I ask which post you read about “how to achieve an orgasm”? Because you are right, that sounds like a Cosmo title for sure! If you mean the one about honeymoon night, honestly, I think it needed to be shared. There are so many young couples that waited or are waiting that have not been instructed on how to flip the switch, how to make things work, or how to enjoy the gift God gave them. I felt it was handled in a respectful way, and I am sorry you didn’t feel the same. Does it encourage you to know that a young bride wrote and said for the first time she felt “allowed” to enjoy sex with her husband after reading? It blessed me so much to know that even one marriage was changed.
I had a lot of people tell me not to share so honestly about our infidelity series too, and it never ceases to amaze me, the number of thank you letters from hurting couples saying that they just needed SOMEONE to do the hard right thing, and talk about the hush hush subjects.
Do you believe that the Bible is the inspired Word of God? If so, then you also can believe that the Bible holds countless truths for our lives. If we ONLY read the Red Letter parts of the Bible, Jesus’ teachings, we would be missing out on 90% of the other instructions for living! Go read Song of Solomon, you will find out really quickly God planned sex for married couples to enjoy!
My job for this blog series was to point out the truths about sex, the beautiful gift it is to married couples, to encourage selfless sex, love making more often and the reasons God asks us to WAIT until marriage.
I feel with total peace in my heart, that I heard correctly in what I was to share, and that my job is to obey the One that calls me to write the hard things.
If 18 and unders are going to read about sex on the internet, I am glad it would be from 2 ladies who love Jesus very much, and desire to teach others about Sex from a Biblical perspective! Don’t you agree?
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts, and allowing me to do the same!
~T
I think one of the reasons why the body of Christ is so messed up, is b/c we don’t talk about the nitty gritty and we try and hide it from the children. How are they supposed to learn to overcome if they don’t see us doing it. Sex is not only a serious topic to be talked about in front of kids, but I think it should be celebrated in front of children. If we continue to make topics like sex a taboo subject, trust that the world will be ready and waiting to teach them their version of it and that will only end in heartache.
What a great challenge. I can do this 3 times for sure. I checked our contraceptive supplies. 😉 he’s in charge of replenishing them. Is his lack of planning good enough reason to turn him down or not initiate? That has been a question of mine for a long time. Seems everytime I make myself available, he’s let our supplies run out. And he said he’d get a permanent fix, but then backed out of doing it. Am I being unreasonable to Stick to our agreement and hold him accountable to holding up his end? No contraception, no sex.
Let me ask you this: are you looking for an excuse, a way out? If so, then no, I don’t think this is a good reason. Maybe you could have a few supplies stored away just in case he runs out. I think an open conversation when you’re NOT in the bedroom is in order Talk with him and let him know that you genuinely desire to engage in love-making on a regular basis and that you want to make a plan for contraception. And try this: get things started – flirt a little – in the morning before you both head off for work, let him know that good times are coming that night…and then playfully remind him to pick up some supplies! I would bet that he’ll make sure it’s taken care of if he knows what’s coming!
So I feel the need to add one more thought: Don’t let the “72 hour” part put undue pressure on you. Use it as a guide, not a strict rule. The point is to be more intentional about things, to make it a point to reach out to your husband on a regular basis. Sure, there are going to be circumstances that stretch you beyond three days — sometimes WELL beyond three days! — but I really think that once you start being more intentional, you’ll find yourself looking forward to sex even MORE often than every three days! AND, I think you’ll have the added bonus of watching your man grow in confidence OUTSIDE the bedroom when he feels so taken care of INSIDE the bedroom!
Angie,
I don’t believe I’m trying to come up with an excuse, but I will pray about that for God to reveal to me any “evil” desires.
My husband and I have a hard time “playing for the same team” in everything we do. I often find myself quoting my pastors wife, “do you really think I’m out to get you?”
He hates to be asked to do anything that is not his priority.
I have tried playfully reminding him to “pick up some friends”, our code word for this. It does work, but often takes him a few days to finally remember. With me reminding him Daily. He’s just really bad at remembering things that aren’t his priority. So I’ve tried to be hands off a out things to keep the peace.
I often don’t know we are out until I initiate and he informs me we are out. Then it clicks why he hasn’t approached me for sex in weeks. He hasn’t remembered to stop for supplies.
I know God does not want me to use my sexuality as a manipulation tool, but I often finding myself bargaining with him. “If I make time to focus on you and be fully present, can you please do something that is my priority?” I’m pretty sure that’s how I got him to hang my extra shelves I needed hung.
I’m not tryin to be manipulative, but it sure sounds that way. Kwim?
I really do want to honor God in my marriage. I’m floundering right now. I want to thrive!
Ok, I’ve got a couple of questions:
1) Do you feel like he should always have to be the one to pick up supplies (a.k.a. his contribution) or are you willing to do that once in a while, too? Is it as easy as just picking some up while you’re out grocery shopping?
2) Has it become a point of contention; does it create tension when you ask him to pick up the supplies?
Here’s what I’m thinking… if you’re serious about making sex a priority in your marriage, you might have to be the one to pick up the supplies. Sure, it might feel like that shouldn’t have to be your responsibility, but in the big picture is it really that big of a deal? And maybe, just maybe, this would help him to see that you really ARE “on his team.” Above all, pray, pray, pray for your husband as often as you can. Pray that you can give yourself to him with no strings attached. Pray that he will reciprocate your selflessness. Pray that God will lead you to a place where you CAN be on the same team.
Girl, God can and will help you THRIVE in your marriage. Keep surrendering it all to Him, listen for Him to speak and follow where he leads!
Thank you. Continue prayin for your readers like me, as I’m sure you do. I will become more dilegent with my prayer on this issue.
I KNOW prayer works. We once disagreed over selling a second home we had. I talked to him about it for over a year. My pastor adviced me to stop talking about it and simply pray. My pastor said he’d talk to my husband if the momen arose. With in 2 weeks my husband bought a forsake sign to stick out front of the house. With in 2 months the house was sold. All without my pastor having found the right moment to talk to him. So I know prayer works! I just often flounder on my own, till I am reminded to give it The Lord.
Heather, I will absolutely be praying for you and so many others like you! Scripture promises that the prayers of His righteous people are powerful, and I will pray that His mighty power shows itself in your marriage again and again!
Listen Heather. I am a man who happened to come across this post. I started reading this. I have to say. A man who forgets to get condoms or “supplies to have sex” is weird. I have never heard of a man not wanting sex. Something is fishy here. Whether you are telling the truth or he is not. Why don’t you just get a stockpile of condoms place them by your beds and you will never run out. Order them on amazon.com on auto order, they will be delivered every so often. I mean C’mon, this is almost laughable. His “priorities” if he is a Christian man is God, you, kids, then everything else. Maybe his priorities are all jacked up. Good luck, sometimes an answer to or prayer is for us to do something.
I appreciate this comment. Thanks for adding it.
I’m a work at home (handcrated goats milk soap from our own goats milk) homeschooling mother to our 3 ages 16 (no he doesn’t have his drivers license so I won’t be sending my son for condoms. Lol), 12, and 8.
We get our condoms for free at the local health department a 1/2 hour away that closes at 4pm. My husband works in the town that the health department is in. And gets out of work in time to go pick some up. I usually only go to town durin the day if the kids have their school work done or they have a dentist appointment. Both times I have them with me. I have stopped before and gotten them then.
I have driven 6 miles to a friends house in the middle of the night to get condoms from her when the supply he is supposed to keep up with has run out. I’m pretty sure he knows, or darn well better, that sex is a priority for me.
I do not feel attacked by your responses, please don’t take my words defensively.
I do need to pray for my husband and our marriage more often. Pray works and I often forget to be diligent in my prayer life.
Thank you very much for that reminder.
Ah, sweet friend, you really ARE trying hard! Good for you for being so diligent!
I can see your dilemma. And from what I am reading, I think you’ve tried just about everything! I’m assuming you’ve had a conversation with your husband OUTside of the bedroom, when there is no pressure (i.e. I’m ready, why aren’t you!). One last suggestion — do you guys have cell phones and texting capability? If so, send him a text when you know he’s leaving work and remind him, “Don’t forget our ‘friends’…I wanna have some fun with you tonight!”
On a side note, you mentioned that the two of you had discussed “the surgery.” That was probably the best thing my husband and I ever did (ok, that HE ever did…) for our sex life because it took away the fear of another pregnancy and we didn’t have to worry about “supplies.” My hubby was reluctant at first (it IS a little intimidating, you have to admit), but when we found out we were pregnant for the fourth time, he called and made an appointment right away! (NOT that I am suggesting you have another baby to convince him to have the surgery!!!!!)
Keep trying, keep praying. God can get you guys through this!
Us too! After baby 4. It was an in and out procedure, Dale even drove himself home! One night on the couch with a bag of frozen peas and he went to the races the next night. He says week 2 was harder with the bruising, otherwise not a problem. After 4 wonderful surprises from the Lord, it is SOOO nice not to have to worry about anything during love making or the pregnancy part after!!!!! 🙂
Thanks for a great post (and series!)
I can relate with so much of it. I came into my marriage with the idea that sex was ‘bad’. My parent’s (unintentionally) put this idea in my head while trying to teach me/discourage me from sex before marriage. When I did give in, and not wait, I eventually felt horrible and ‘dirty’.
Once I married, I still struggled, and after my children were born, I lost almost all interest. Personal and work issues with my husband caused him to withdraw, be inattentive, and hide a (short term) porn addiction. I was not interested because I was feeling unloved, unappreciated and frankly, like an ‘outlet’ for my husband’s physical needs. I felt there was no emotion whatsoever involved and I hated it. When I did agree to sex, I was just ‘there’ but not an active participant which made my husband feel equally unwanted, unloved, etc. It was a horrible cycle that eventually (coupled with BIG stresses from life/job) led him to a horrible one night stand with a complete stranger. He was humiliated, devastated and disgusted. He just wanted someone to love him and want him and make him feel good about himself, but that is NOT what he got.
We are recovering (@18 months since our ‘truth day’) and things have been difficult, but are so much better! We are stronger than ever and more in tune with actively ‘fighting’ for each other and our marriage. Our sex life was one area which really changed. I have learned to relax and have fun, instead of expecting every time to be some romantic movie like experience, and my husband has made an effort to do those little sweet emotional gestures that mean so much to me. We laugh and enjoy each other and can hardly keep our hands off each other most days 😉
I love to hear stories like yours! I firmly believe that God can restore ANY marriage, and by that I don’t mean to simply keep it from divorce; I mean that He can bring LIFE to a marriage! Praise the Lord for where He has brought the two of you — keep up the good work!
The last two blogs on sex in marriage, seems to say that a woman needs to have sex with her husband even when she just doesn’t feel it. Doesn’t that lead to resentment? I can see sometimes when you don’t feel it, but don’t mind it. But then there are other days where you are upset at your husband and want him to connect to you emotionally so bad and all he wants is sex and it just makes you so mad and want to cry. You make it sound like a woman is selfish and horrible if she says no.
Friend, I have been in the very situation you described: resentful, alone, angry… the last thing I wanted to think about was SEX with this man who I called “husband.” Having come through that kind of experience, I can say this:
Do we have to have sex even when we don’t want to? YES. There’s an old song by Harry Connick, Jr. that starts by saying this: “A little bit of me and a whole lot of you…” Sometimes this is the attitude that we have to have in our marriages. Yes, most guys want and need sex more than girls do. Yes, we girls could probably go months and months without sex and be perfectly happy. But sometimes it’s just not about us.
Tonya’s last post Desire Not Duty touched on the fact that a woman’s path to her husband’s heart is through sex, and a man’s path to sex with his wife is through her heart. We could refuse to have sex until our husbands reach out to us and meet our emotional needs, but what would that accomplish? Distance.
So back to my first paragraph and your comment: Of course there are times when we’re going to say “no.” There are times when we’re struggling so much emotionally that there is no way we can give ourselves fully to our husbands. I’ve been there. I get it. And it’s okay. But love is a selfless thing, and when we refuse sex because we “just don’t feel like it,” we’ve changed it from “selfless” to “selfish.” Admittedly, it’s not an easy thing to be selfless with this! It takes work and dedication, just like any other part of marriage.
Next week we’re going to talk more about how to overcome inhibitions and betrayal… I encourage you to read those posts; maybe they’ll give you a little more help.
Until then, I ask you to do this: Maybe you’re not in a place where you can commit to making love to your husband every three days, but you CAN commit to praying for your husband and your desire for him. Pray about it every day for a week…two weeks…maybe more. Pray until you can sense a genuine desire for your husband beginning to grow. Don’t wait for a full-fledged flame; once you feel even a flicker, begin to act on it.
God can and will transform this part of your marriage when you ask him to. Hang in there, sister, and keep trying!
Tonya (and Angela):
I just want to tell you how much I appreciate this blog and all of the ways that you have been so open with your own life and encouraging to other women. I first came across your blog from a link from another blogger when you first started to discuss your struggles with your husband. Since then I have recommended your blog to several friends, one of whom’s husband had recently strayed. As a mother and a wife, I have found your candid discussion on sex, how to introduce purity to your children, and what is expected in a Christian marriage refreshing and deeply needed. It’s hard to be a mother and a wife in this society because our culture is so fixated on sexuality.
So, thank you!
Chara
Thank you for your encouragement! I hope you will take a minute to peruse my blog, too… Blessings!
~Angie
Thank you, Chara!!! I so appreciate you sharing the blog series, to see so clearly that the Lord never EVER wastes a hurt, is a breath of fresh air every single time. As far as sharing life as a Momma…..we Moms have to stick together in this big, bad World, and it is always my joy to share what the Lord has laid on my heart, in the matter of raising our kiddos to love Jesus and be in the World, but not of it. I love this comment, you have touched my heart and made me smile tonight. Hugs! T
Again, I struggle with the “we cannot deny our husbands are sexual people, it is indelibely woven into who they are”. I think God created us both sexual and as long as the message that men are some how more sexual is being shared, men will believe it and make peace with it. They in turn miss the big picture of who God has created them to be and that He has created them to ultimately be fulfilled by Him. If a part of man “needs” to be met by a woman than what about single men? What is the message to them? Just hold off until some woman can help you with your release? I just feel like something bigger is missing from this message and that messages like this do cause an unnecessary added weight on women. Women are not responsible for their husbands but they are responsible to them. I am fine with being challenged to initiate and be intentional out of our love for our husbands but I feel like a message like this makes it very hard not to feel like a duty we have just because we are women.
Megan,
I agree — both men and women ARE created as sexual beings. But experience and study has shown me that men generally have more of an APPETITE for sex. Not every man. But most. And far too many women would rather just ignore that fact, pretend that it really isn’t important. We are sexual, too, but we don’t as easily separate it from emotions. Like the post “Duty to Desire” said, the path to a man’s heart is often through sex, but it is completely the other way around for women.
God created marriage as a place where both men and women could be fulfilled in complimentary ways. When both husband and wife are working to meet the other’s needs out of love and selflessness, both find themselves taken care of. The problem is when our enemy tries to tell us that OUR need is more important than HIS/HER need. (BTW, I have written the flip side of this post — to the men — on my blog. I will put a link to it at the end of this.)
You’re right when you say that wives are not responsible for their husbands. I don’t think that’s what Tonya and I are suggesting. What we are trying to do is encourage wives to step out of their comfort zones and do something for their husbands that can really be the start of big changes in their marriages. Sex is NOT an obligation! It is a beautiful expression of the love that we CHOOSE to have for our husbands. Our love for our men should compel us to do this for them in the same way that our love for God compels us to worship Him. But there seems to be something that holds us back, keeps us from giving ourselves freely. (Next week we’re going to address some of those issues.) And we just want to help women get past that.
As for unmarried men…in the Song of Solomon it says several times, “do not awaken love until the right time.” The writer wasn’t talking about emotional love here, he was talking about sexuality. An unmarried man may crave sex, but is obligated to wait for the right setting — marriage. Does this mean that they are just resigned to a life of misery until a woman comes along and saves them? No! You’re absolutely right that God can and will fulfill our every desire. When we surrender them to Him. (This is true for both men AND women!) But God did create us to be sexual beings and then gave us the perfect environment for us to live that out, a.k.a. marriage.
Please hear me when I say that I do not intend to put pressure on wives to perform. Let me reiterate that I am not trying to OBLIGATE women to have sex with their husbands. Instead, I am trying to help them find the freedom in their marriages to make sex a beautiful, exciting, unprecedented expression of the love and commitment they choose to have for and to their husbands.
Sorry, here’s the link to that post that I mentioned…didn’t intentionally forget to add it! 🙂
http://myheartministry.blogspot.com/2013/01/one-for-g-uys.html
Ladies,
What if it is myself as the wife that is always turned down? This is very painful! What if I know he has looked at porn – and it becomes even more of a hurt – because he seeks that, when I am right here trying to have and create a healthy relationship and role model a positive relationship to our children? It becomes impossible. They are not learning love, respect, relationship…etc.
I grieve daily, I cry out to God. I cannot change my husband.
I have addressed my husband and we get no where but into a deeper rut.
You are right, we cannot change our husbands, sadly! But thankfully we serve a God who can and does! I am at a loss for what to say to this, but maybe Angie has some insight, she is incredible at this topic. 🙂 Here is an article I found that I would love for you to go read, there are some GREAT resources for you there too. Hang in there, this is NOT uncommon and often points to a much larger problem. I promise this doesn’t have to be a YOU thing! Go read and be encouraged…Hugs, T
Oh, my friend…I can feel the grief in your words, and my heart aches right along with yours. I have been in your shoes, never being wanted and being passed over for a cheap imitation.
Let me start by saying this… your husband’s choice to look at porn has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. Satan has fed him a lie that these images are good and fun and pleasurable. And then he has hooked your husband with them. An addiction to porn is just as real as one to alcohol or drugs. It is not something that your husband can conquer alone or easily. And unfortunately, it is not something you can break for him. You will never be pretty enough, sexy enough to pull him from that awful trap that Satan has him in. Not because you aren’t gorgeous, but because Satan has convinced him otherwise. So first off, take yourself off the hook. This is NOT your fault.
Secondly, your husband’s addiction will not be broken until he decides to pursue the steps to do so. Nagging him, yelling at him, pushing him about it will probably never help. Praying for him will. Pray for compassion for him, for the ability to see him in the chains that Satan has wrapped around his spirit. Pray for him to see the truth about what he is doing and to have the will to change. And then pray that he will reach out to find help.
That help will need to come in the form of a counselor, at least from my experience. There are some great books he can read, but really, having a live person to walk through things with him will help tremendously. (You should read them, too, just to help you understand. I would suggest “Every Man’s Battle” and “A Way of Escape.”) And then he’ll need an accountability partner, someone other than you. This is not your role.
Your role is to love him, pray for him, be there for him. Don’t give up. Find a trusted friend that you can cry to and pray with; don’t try to deal with this on your own. Surrender your grief to the Lord each and every day and wait on Him. That’s the hard part, the waiting. But please hear me when I say this: there is salvation from this! There IS a beautiful world of restoration and reconciliation on the other side of this. Hang on, keep fighting for your marriage. DON’T let Satan win this one! God is the Great Victorious One! Cling to that truth!
Sorry, but I don’t see any links to articles to read?
I want to cry! I found the BEST article to share, listing the reasons why men turn down their wives and how not to make it personal and now its GONE. I found this one, but its not nearly as indepth. I will keep looking! 😦 http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/challenges/understanding-differences/why-sex-is-so-important-to-your-wife#.UfKYF43qmyw
Eeeek! I just found it, thank you Lord! I thought this one was very indepth. Read on… http://site.themarriagebed.com/problems/desire/spouse-wont-have-sex
The Sex Starved Wife might be a great book to read! http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0743266277/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=themarriagebed&linkCode=as2&camp=217145&creative=399369&creativeASIN=0743266277
Question: Would you ever be willing to do a series for young women who are not dating, but of marriageable age? I’m 25 and have the sex drive of what I’m sure has to be some kind of joke from God, it never seems to be off, yet I’m saving myself for marriage and would love encouragement in this area.
Friend, I can’t answer for Tonya, obviously, about what she will run on her blog in the future. But I wanted to offer these thoughts:
First of all, GOOD FOR YOU for deciding to save yourself for marriage! I know that’s not an easy decision to make in today’s culture, but it is one that you will absolutely NOT regret!
Second, let me ask, have you been able to pinpoint the source of your desire for sex? Are you dwelling on thoughts about sex, are you watching sexy movies or reading explicit books? Have you fully surrendered this desire to God?
The reason I ask is not to be accusatory. I ask because I have learned from experience and my study of Scripture that what you put into your mind – especially through your eyes — is what controls your body and your emotions. (That’s why porn is so very dangerous and harmful.)
Philippians 4:8 tells us to focus our minds on what is pure and holy and honorable. For an unmarried person, that does not include sex. And if you find yourself thinking about sex, perhaps it’s time to examine what you’re feeding your mind. I know that I had to make some hard decisions about what television shows I would watch. I really enjoyed the shows I was watching, but when I stopped to think about what they were portraying, I knew that I couldn’t continue watching them. Their portrayal of sex in no way reflected God’s plan for sex, and there was certainly nothing holy about the scenes they were acting out on screen. Satan certainly uses media — tv, movies, books, music — to pull our minds away from Godly things and convince us that the sinful behavior we’re watching is really just harmless entertainment. Satan is SUCH a liar.
Galatians 5:16 tells us that when we walk in the Spirit, we won’t gratify the desires of our flesh. It doesn’t mean we won’t have them, but it does mean that we will not give ourselves over to them. The ONLY way that is possible is by surrendering those very desires to the Spirit.
I would encourage you to make this a daily prayer, to surrender your desire for sex to the Holy Spirit. Remember, one Fruit of a Spirit-filled and Spirit-led life is self control. When you surrender even your thoughts to Him, He will control them and guide them to Godly things. I would also encourage you to begin memorizing Scripture. Start small if this is not something you do already, but begin to make it a daily habit. Then you’ll have something pure and holy and honorable for your mind to dwell on.
I hope this helps to encourage you some. Again, I commend you for deciding to save sex for marriage. I know God has huge blessings in store for you because of that!
Blessings!
~Angie
Angie girl, I couldn’t have said it better myself in a blog post! Thanks for taking this one! 🙂
Proud of the stand the person behind the comment “Question” is taking to save herself in todays culture!!! Her future husband is one blessed man 🙂
I don’t think my sex drive is driven by anything mental or emotional. It’s mainly physical and happens at random times, grocery shopping, long walk. It’s not something I really think about, but one way I manage it is to go for a run. I’ve committed to not watching things that are inappropriate or that even encourage sex outside of marriage. I agree with what you said referencing Galatians and I know my sex drive is natural and God created it, I was just hoping for some encouragement in regards to managing it. Thank you for your support.
Good for you for guarding your eyes and mind! I would say that when you experience these urges, to immediately surrender them to God in prayer. In “off” moments, I would encourage you to pray that God will either bring you into a relationship with a Godly man where you can satisfy this longing, and/or that He will remove the desire from you until then. When I counsel with single women who really struggle with their singleness, I encourage them to do the same — pray that God will either fulfill the desire or take it away — and I think that’s a valid request to make in your circumstance. And Tonya is right — if and when you get married, your husband is going to be so very blessed! 🙂
Pingback: That 3 Letter Word….. | 4 little Fergusons
This 72 hour thing is fine and dandy in an otherwise healthy relationship but if it’s being held over your head? My friend made a great point for all these people touting the “72 hour rule”. It all comes down to how you treat your woman in the 72 hours in between.