Just tuning in?! Get caught up on our Series on Sex, God’s Way here!
A Guest Post by Angela Clark Logan, My Heart Ministry
In my last post, I addressed the idea of wives being more intentional in reaching out to their husbands sexually. I challenged you to be bold enough to initiate a sexual encounter with your husband at least every three days. I mentioned the fact that we have our reasons for being reluctant to do this, and today I want to address some legitimate inhibitions that we ladies have to overcome. But please understand this: they are legitimate only if we agree to strive to conquer them; they become excuses when we hide behind them and use them to avoid sexual encounters with our husbands.
I think the most common obstacle we girls deal with is our self-image. We’re uncomfortable with our bodies. Please see the truth in this statement: Your husband doesn’t see all the faults that you see. He’s not paying attention to all your flaws, because he’s so excited to be in bed with a naked woman and he gets to have sex! Your husband LOVES you, which makes you more beautiful to him than any cosmetic surgery ever could. Your man isn’t looking to see if you have the perfect body, he is looking to see if you are a willing and eager lover.
I know that for some of us, all the rhetoric in the world won’t help us feel more confident about our bodies, so here are some practical things that you can do to help yourself feel better:
Get in a couple of hours of exercise every week. I’m not talking about becoming a fitness addict, but I do know from experience that even a little exercise each week can improve how you feel about yourself and your body.
Take a warm shower or bath before bed. You’d be surprised at how much sexier you’ll feel when you’re clean, as well as how much the warm water does to make your body responsive to your husband’s touch.
Light a candle. Its light is less intimidating and more flattering than lamplight!
Find some sexy but flattering lingerie. Granted, you won’t wear it for long, but it will help you feel sexy!
Remind yourself that you are a beautiful creation, perfectly designed by our loving and wise Lord. Psalm 139:14 reminds us that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” 1 Corinthians 6:19 tells us that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. The temple. Do you know how beautiful the temple was in Old Testament times? NOTHING could compare to its beauty! And YOU were created to be just such a temple. YOU are beautiful, sister!
Another issue I see is the expectation that sex should be this passionate, romantic experience, the kind of sexual encounter that we see in the movies and read about in our “romance” books. And we just can’t live up to that. There’s a good reason: it isn’t realistic! Sex certainly doesn’t have to be boring, but it will never truly mimic what we see on the television or movie screen, or even what our imaginations conjure up when we read those steamy romance novels. We’ve got to stop watching and reading those kinds of things! Scripture calls us to meditate on what is honorable and holy (Philippians 4:8), and these erotic, unrealistic sex scenes certainly don’t fit that bill. Once we abandon those worldly fantasies, we can focus on making our own sex life exciting in realistic and attainable ways.
Here are some other excuses we make:
“I’m too tired.” Prioritize, girls! Weed out some lesser important parts of your day so you can save enough energy for your husband!
“I can’t switch from being ‘mom’ and ‘housekeeper’ to ‘lover.’” Keep the idea of being your husband’s lover in the back of your mind all day. Send him a flirtatious text or leave him a sexy voicemail. (Just make sure it’s a private mail box!) Kiss him (more than a quick peck on the lips!) when he comes home. Most importantly, make sure you’ve got alone time together every night! Put the kids to bed or send them to have quiet time in their rooms for an hour before you go to bed, and spend that time interacting, snuggling on the couch…get that fire started before you head to the bedroom!
“I just don’t enjoy sex.” I don’t enjoy doing laundry, either, but I do it because I love my family. And so we give ourselves sexually to our husbands because we love him. Communicate to him about what feels good and what doesn’t, and I would bet that he will be willing to help you find pleasure as you willingly participate with him.
I know that I have just scratched the surface on this topic of inhibitions in the bedroom. Very soon Tonya and I will talk together about how to bring sex back into the marriage after infidelity, as we recognize that some issues are more serious than mere “inhibitions.” Bottom line: sex is a vital part of marriage. It’s time for us to accept that fact, determine to work past our inhibitions and then throw ourselves fully into the act of loving our husbands in this very physical way.
Come on over to My Heart Ministry and read more!
~Angie
Head on over to Part 2: No More Excuses, 23 Ways To Turn Up The Heat In Your Marriage
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I’m curious as how you both would encourage a pregnant mommy to turn the ‘heat up’?! I felt so much better with the first pregnancy (and having sex) than I did with the next two. Extra weight with the last/ two make *everything* so much harder, slower, even a bit more painful… the desire to be intimate is very much there, but the actually doing is much harder. It’s frustrating for me in ways I can’t explain. And it breaks my heart!!! Especially since I truly believe I have one of the best godly men around and he’s just too sweet and gentle to push the issue/need or do much of anything when he’s worried it may wear me out too much or it’ll be painful for me… all I want is to love him and show him that and not withhold, but it gets harder and harder until he says no more ’til after baby arrives. =( (doesn’t help that I’m depressed about this extra weight- got pregnant again before I could get any off- sigh… and still have a few more months to go before this little person arrives) Any thoughts about this would not go unappreciated. =) Thanks, especially for just taking the time to write and research and pray about all the things you gals are sharing! 😉 ~C
C ~
Thank you so much for your question! I know that you aren’t the only woman dealing with this very issue, so thanks for being brave enough to speak up.
Having gone up and down with my weight all my life, and having been preggo four times myself, I can totally empathize with some of the troubles you’re having. It doesn’t matter whether it’s added weight or a baby using your belly as an incubator… a change in your body shape DOES change how things work during sex.
So, I’m going to offer some very practical tips, hopefully without blushing TOO much! lol. Here goes:
My first thought is that you need to experiment with different positions. What worked before you were pregnant most likely won’t work WHILE you’re pregnant, and maybe not even after you’ve had the baby. So take some time and experiment a little to find out what feels good. And COMMUNICATE with your hubby while you’re testing things out. Guide him and help him find what feels good for both of you. Yes, it’s OKAY to talk during sex! 🙂
Second, ask your husband to help you get warmed up. Guys are kind of like microwaves: they can go from completely cold to hot and ready in a matter of seconds! Girls are more like my gas oven: we need to “prime” first, then heat up. Finally after 15 minutes we’re ready to go!
“Priming” may mean that you take a warm bath. Just a quick soak to get your body relaxed. Or it may be that you need 10 or 15 minutes by yourself to unwind, especially if you’ve been dealing with small children all day. I remember when my kids were babies, I just wanted a few minutes to myself, to not have ANYONE touch me. I had been hugged on, crawled on, etc. all day long and needed a break from any and all kind of touch. Bottom line: find a way to relax, head to toe.
When you’re ready to “warm up,” that’s when the hubby enters the scene. Have him touch you and begin to prepare your body for his. (And yes, I do mean “down there.”) If you need it, use lubrication. Hormonal changes during pregnancy, stress, insecurity about your body…all of these things can really affect your body’s ability to make it’s own lubrication, so don’t be afraid to use something to help. Lubrication or lack thereof can make all the difference in how things feel!
If sex remains to be just too painful for you, remember that there are other ways to “take care of” each other. Make sure you still get that skin-to-skin connection (yes, ditch the clothes), and use touch to please each other. It’s still an intimate experience, and it still conveys love for your spouse. I would say, though, that once you’ve recovered from childbirth, you should gradually move back into true intercourse as your body allows. You’ll probably get to experiment some more to find out what works with this new, post-baby body, but it could make for some fun connection time with your hubby. 🙂
It sounds like you’ve got the hard part down — the “wanting to” — and now you just need your body to cooperate. I hope you find these suggestions helpful! Just keep trying until you find something that works — the payoff for your efforts will be HUGE!
Blessings!
~Angie
Thank you so much! Definitely a bit of blushing (lol) but have been so wanting to ask ‘someone’ for a bit of advice 😉 Thanks for not only taking the time but also sharing so honestly! You two are so sweet; Thank you for the whole series. It’s already blessed me and I’m sure has been such a blessing and encouragement to many others!
Beautiful response! Thanks for sharing your heart and wisdom with us, Angie!!!!!
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