From Dale

Just tuning in? Please start at the original post of this Series on “Surviving Infidelity”: Shattered Hearts, Broken Promises. 

Written September, 2011.

  Hi, it’s Dale. I am here today because I feel I owe you an explanation and an apology. As you guys come here to read about my family every day, you are investing your time and your heart in to our family.

I know I’ve disappointed you. I hate what I have done to Tonya, to our family and our beautiful life. If you’d give me the chance, I’d like to take this opportunity to say I am sorry to you as well. I made a foolish decision that day, but God is a God of grace and forgiveness. And Tonya, amazingly strong Tonya, has allowed me to stay and win back her heart and re-earn her trust.  She is the most Christ-like example I have ever known, giving me grace and love when I deserved none.

I went to the 1st Men’s Encounter  because I knew Tonya wanted me to go. (Click that link, and read the challenge she gave, not knowing what was coming!)  I am so glad I did, because it forever changed my life. God used Encounter to break down walls I’ve had built up around me since I was just a kid and to bring forward my ugly secret. I knew it needed to come out, it was eating me alive. But it was worth keeping the poison in me, because I was so sure it was better hidden than hurting Tonya, if that makes any sense.

This article written by Rebekah Lyons, says it better than I could:

“We become slaves to our secrets.

The thing is, Satan DWELLS in the secret, in the haunting, hidden brokeness. The longer we keep that secret, the more power he has to speak lies into our own identity. We have a crisis of faith; we don’t truly believe that God will hear and lavish us with his love upon our confession. We don’t REALLY believe that we will be made new. So we keep it and hide it and cover it and die from it.

A friend told me recently that she kept her secret of infidelity from her husband for 3 years. Another woman told me recently, she held her secret for 5 years. Another discovered her husband’s secret after 10 years. And yet, another after 18. Overtime, life becomes more about keeping the secret than saving the soul.

The secret often wins.

Perhaps a new day is dawning. Perhaps walls are coming down. Tears are streaming and confessions are starting to pour out like hope reborn. Do you know the main catalyst for this revolution of the heart?

You guessed it. Someone shared their secret.

Someone gave voice to their secret and in doing so, gave permission for another person to share theirs. Naming the one thing that held them captive for years rendered the secret powerless. All at once, the church at large is beginning to echo the chorus of confession. We all begin to bear witness to the bondage that is breaking by secret-sharing. The naming is bringing healing, and healing is bringing freedom. A freedom many of us are experiencing for the very first time. This secret-telling is what’s actually saving us. And this new normal is exactly what will keep us in the light.”

  As I have come out of the darkness, and into the light, the Lord is doing a work in my heart. One of the big things He is working on now, is helping me find my true worth.
My parents divorced when I was 12. I didn’t let it get me down, but I never did understand why my mom left my dad for what to me felt like no apparent reason. What I didn’t know, until recently when the Lord revealed it to me, was that it was going to create a need in me for the rest of my life.

A need to please. A need to fit in. A need to be whatever I needed to be to be accepted, so I wouldn’t be “left”:

If I was with my church friends, I was a good Church boy.
If I was with my party friends, I could drink with the best of them.
If I was with a girl I liked, I became whoever she thought I was, whoever she needed me to be.

What I didn’t know, was I was going to take that into my marriage too. That this need to be accepted, was going to one day be what brought me to my knees before God and my wife, begging for understanding and forgiveness.

Remember that dream Tonya shared with you about the horses?

I loved the line where our mentor said:

A lot of times, when we think of Broken, we think… broken in a bad way.
In the world of horses, if you’re not broken, your value is less. Brokeness is a precious word to the Lord. He desires our brokeness.

I come to you, Broken. Broke from addiction, broke from a shroud of secrecy, broke from lies, broke from infidelity, broke from pride, broke from financial security and self-sufficiency. This entire year has been a breaking down process of ME.

I needed to become a broken vessel before the Lord, so I could admit I needed Him now more than ever in every aspect of my life.

I had to learn the hard way, that my worth cannot be determined by my paycheck.
My worth cannot be determined by what car I drive.
My worth cannot be determined by who I think I am or who I strive to be.
My worth is found in the Lord Jesus Christ….and the blood He shed for ME, a filthy sinner. He would die for ME if I was the only one in the world to save, because I am so very valuable to Him. I am His and He calls me by name.

It kills me that I hurt Tonya in my selfishness. It breaks my heart to see her with tears streaming down her cheeks and knowing that I caused her this unbearable pain. Tonya is a strong, Godly woman. She is God’s gift to me and I blew it. She has been nothing but faithful to me from her first purity pledge at age 13 on….I don’t deserve her, I know this. But she has trusted me with her heart again, and I swear, I will NEVER take that responsibility lightly.

I didn’t even REALIZE that the devil was drawing me away from first my Lord, then my wife, but when we don’t chose God every moment of every day, we automatically default to satan.

Think about that for a moment.

   First I was separated from them by my shame that I looked at porn again.  Then, my pride kept me from seeking help.  Next, came my need to provide for our family with my own 2 hands, not leaning on the Lord at all and then….it happened. The devil got between me, my Lord and my wife, so much that when he laid a trap of lust for me, just 4 short months after I began to look at pornography again, I WALKED right into it.

I Peter 5:8 “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

Do you know how angry that makes me? Do you know how STUPID I feel? The Lord has removed the scales from my eyes, put there by the devil himself to blind me. I now clearly see the path of destruction I was on and I THANK THE LORD that He saw fit to discipline me, so I would see the error of my ways before things got even worse.

Listen up, porn is a real temptation. 90% of all men look at porn and struggle with lust. This is real…..this stastistic includes Christian men, we are not exempt. I lied to Tonya and told her it didn’t happen to me because I was a good Christian man, right? It doesn’t happen to family men that go to church.

Guess what, it did. It DOES, all the time. This statistic means 3 out of 4 men in your church pew have a dark ugly secret that needs to be brought into the light.

Do you know that porn latches on to you, even when you walk away from the computer? The jaws of lust keeping you captive without you even realizing it. Even if I didn’t mean for it to occur, even if I wasn’t seeking it out, if a woman with a lustful spirit walked by, my lust spirit attached to her and I followed her with my eyes. Even if I didn’t think sexual thoughts of her, I still turned. I realize now, this is a very real thing that occurs between genders.

Watch a woman sometime, you know the one: She walks by a group of guys in a crowd, waiting for them to roam over her with their eyes before she walks on. She likes it, she feeds off of it. What you see occur is her lust spirit attaching to theirs and vice versa, and once you are aware of it you can actually see and feel it occur. Disgusting.

Praise God after I repented He took the spirit of lust from me!  When a woman walks by, a clanging bell goes off in my head so fast I don’t even have to glance her way. I am thankful my “radar” has been reset, my focus back on my Heavenly Father and my beautiful bride.  My eyes are set to “bouncing” mode, so if a woman comes into my line of sight, I quickly look away.  Men, you may not be responsible for the first look, as media bombards us with images, but it’s the second and third lingering looks that are the problem. When your eyes are set to bounce, you see and look away almost in a split second.  Your trigger finger on the remote gets faster and better as you quickly flip away from images on the screen. This is our call, to be PURE in all things, what better place to start then our eyes.

Wives, pray for your men to be attracted to holiness and purity like a magnet, so that when anything entices us that isn’t holy or pure, we detect the pull immediately and are made uncomfortable enough to completely reject it.

“For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness.” I Thessalonians 4:7

The draw of the flesh and the devil’s plans are a lot stronger than we’d like to think. In a moment of weakness, we can end up doing something we NEVER thought possible. Only the power of God, through prayers, can make a difference. Don’t say it can’t happen to you, Tonya and I said the same thing. Satan loves to use this against us as he sneakily gets between us.

One day when we were going to counseling, we found this plaque at a Christian book store. It went along exactly with what I was learning at Men’s Encounter, and I knew I needed it to reside in my home:

What can you do with a dull sword? NOTHING.

This plaque resides on my dresser so I never forget again that I need to daily sharpen my sword in Gods word, so that when the devil attacks, and he will, I AM READY.

Psalms 34:17-19 “Yes, the Lord hears the good man when he calls to Him for help, and saves him out of his troubles.  The Lord is close to those whose heart is breaking.  He rescues those who are humbly sorry for their sins.  The good man does not escape troubles – he has them, too.  But the Lord helps him in each and every one.”

I am proud to tell you that, after last year, I no longer get on the computer to feed that ugly addiction, and I am seeking counsel to make sure this problem doesn’t return. I am putting on the armor and this new purity ring, DAILY. As I leave our home, there it is, on my right index finger.  A constant reminder of my pledge, my 2nd chance at a life of integrity.  It has a cross wrapping around it, and THE ARMOR OF GOD, Ephesians 6:10-15.

4 little Ferguson readers, I stand before you today, broken.

Broken before Christ.

He had to break me to let me see the truth, to look back over my life and have my eyes opened to the lies I was living. He had to break me so I could feel His tender mercies on me, which are new every single morning.

So, don‘t look at “broke” in a bad way, because it’s not:

Broke in Christ is a good thing….to become BROKEN is actually to become WHOLE.

The Lord used Men’s Encounter to break me, to clean my temple, my “house“ if you will…..He stripped me of all the junk I had in there, and filled it up again, with HIM.  He made order of the chaos that reigned there and took control of my life.  I write you today to give Him praise.

I know I don’t deserve Tonya. I know you all think I am a jerk, or worse now, but please, hear my heart on this. Know that if you could see me, you’d see the sorrow written on my face. I was so foolish and so wrong. I knew better, I did and I was stupid. I was stupid enough to think I could play with fire and not get burned.

It’s hard for me to see Tonya hurting, struggling, crying. I have to face what I did to her each and every moment of every day, and it kills me. She is so strong, and I have never loved and respected her more. She is taking the steps of forgiving me, by fighting for our marriage each and every difficult day.

So now I ask you, please, forgive me?

Dale

“Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.” John 8:36

Hearing From the Lord

 Please start at post 1 of this Series “Surviving Infidelity”: Shattered Hearts, Broken Promises. Everything will make a lot more sense if you do!

Written July 12th, 2011 

  Dale has been staying home with me each day as we cling to each other to draw strength in this ugly time. He did need to go to the office today to do a bit of paperwork before we leave on vacation.  Don’t worry, it’s a different office then the one in which the indiscretion happened, those days are behind us, but it was hard being apart, just 2 short days after the big “truth reveal”.  God is so good to always know what we need. 

Cool story:

Dale went up to his mom’s restaurant today after the office. He is standing there, talking to his mom, when Aunt Lucy walks by.

 “Do you always wear your wedding ring?” she asks.

Dale: “Yes, everyday for 9 years.”

Aunt Lucy: Shrugs shoulders, “Huh.  Well, it just seems to show more today I guess.”

  OH MY WORD, she knows nothing!  The Lord knew I needed to hear that, to have that nugget to cling to.  He knew I needed to know that when satan’s scales fell of Dale’s eyes, his claws let go of Dale’s heart and the ugly veil that had been cast over that wedding ring he wore on his ring finger, HAD BEEN LIFTED as well. 

Praise His name!

July 14th 

I went to my friend Nikki’s site, at Nikki Loves Mike, and the song she had posted made me first gasp, like how did she know? Then BAWL my EYES out, as I listened.

DANCING IN THE MINE FIELDS.

  This song is SO very beautiful and spoke to my heart in a mighty way!  I listened to it no less than 100 times over the past few months!

We went dancing in the minefields
We went sailing in the storms
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that’s what the promise is for

Well “I do” are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I’ve heard is a good place to begin
‘Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down
And I believe it’s an easy price for the life that we have found

So when I lose my way, find me
When I lose loves chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith to the end of all my days
when I forget my name, remind me

‘Cause we bear the light of the Son of man
So there’s nothing left to fear
So I’ll walk with you in the shadow lands
Till the shadows disappear

‘Cause He promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of this chaos baby,
I can dance with you

So let’s go dancing in the minefields
Lets go sailing in the storms

Oh, this is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that’s what the promise is for
That’s what the promise is for……

—————————————–

Written September 9th, 2011

Remember this post, “With Cherries On Top”?  Things were just going AWFUL! My marriage was falling apart, we had NO money, everything at our house was breaking, but look at God’s provision through that!  Beauty from Ashes, EVERY TIME!

  This is also close to the time I wrote “Broken” because I felt if I didn’t shed some light on what I was going through, it was as if I was deceiving you.  I knew my blog posts were not my best work, I was trying to maintain “normal” unsuccessfully because of my shattered heart, and after I was prompted to post a version of the truth in Broken, I had peace once again.

  Then, amazing things began to happen……

  Instead of judgment from you, sweet, encouraging comments began pouring in.  Thank you!

  Our counselor told us the Lord would rise up prayer warriors for us, people we didn’t know all over the world would be prompted to pray for us.  And wouldn’t you know, that same week I got 3 emails from 3 girls I either don’t know, or hardly know saying things like this:

Hi Tonya – I am praying for you! I dreamed about you Thursday night and woke up suddenly with a desire to pray. In my dream, huge ants were stealing all kinds of stuff from your house, they had overtaken everything and you were powerless against them. I barely know you, but we are sisters in Christ. I just now skimmed through your “Broken” blog entry, and felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to tell you God is even waking up people that barely know you to pray specifically for you.

  Little did she know, that Satan’s “ants” were destroying my home, both physically as one after another item broke, but emotionally to as he tried to destroy what remained of my marriage.  What love we felt from our Heavenly Father as He brought us “God Thing” after “God Thing”: Things that are too crazy and too perfectly timed to be anything but the His mighty hand at work!

  Every time I opened the Bible, verses were flying out at me left and right, grabbing my soul and giving me strength:

Galatians 6:9 “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.”

II Corinthians 12:9,10. “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

This one is by far my favorite, and our “Anthem Verse” for this marriage we are fighting so hard for. He gave us this passage back in July, and we have gone back to it constantly, personalizing it and taking promises from it. I LOVE when the Lord speaks through His word and a passage becomes SO personal. 

I know it’s long, but well worth the read:

Isaiah 61: parts of 1-11 {Blue is My interpretation}

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. {This is why we are to share our story!}
2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord’s favor has come, and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
3 To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. {His promise to us} In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory. {A great oak withstands many a storm because its roots go down deep}
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins, repairing cities destroyed long ago. They will revive them, though they have been deserted for many generations. {Our marriage WILL be rebuilt even though satan tried to destroy is years ago!}
7 Instead of shame and dishonor, you will enjoy a double share of honor. {We can hold our heads proud as we share our story, no robes on shame need to be worn…} You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.
8 “For I, the Lord, love justice. I hate robbery and wrongdoing. I will faithfully reward my people for their suffering and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their descendants will be recognized and honored among the nations. {Our kids will NOT take on the sins of their father, they will walk in freedom from this sin!} Everyone will realize that they are a people the Lord has blessed.” {Christ will be seen through this story}
 10 I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God! For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. {I will not always wear the rags of Brokeness and the chains of Unforgiveness}
I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit or a bride with her jewels. {We WILL renew our vows one day, and make a new covenant before God, family & friends!}
11 The Sovereign Lord will show his justice to the nations of the world. Everyone will praise him! His righteousness will be like a garden in early spring, with plants springing up everywhere.” {New growth and new life in Christ is ours!}

I love when the Lord speaks so audibly!  And He hasn’t stopped, even when He was silent to us, He sent us a messenger who said:

 “Even when you can’t feel Him, remember God is moving behind the scenes to prepare you for the next chapter, He will NEVER leave you.”

  It seems during difficult times, the Lord’s voice is more clear than ever.  Probably because I am curled up in HIS arms and HE can whisper in my ear. 

  He began to minister to Dale and I immediately after the truth came out, putting a soothing balm on our open wounds, as He spoke to us via our Daily Devotion book, whose dates matched PERFECTLY with JUST what we needed to hear that day, radio ministries, songs and emails from friends.  All along, asking us to trust Him, to seek Him to let Him have the broken pieces of our lives and marriage……

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14

Yes, Lord.  I am still before my God, broken and wanting these pieces of my life to be used for HIS glory…..

~T

The Other Woman

This post will make no sense to you if you don’t go back and read yesterdays first……..

Shattered Hearts, Broken Promises

  When I left you yesterday, I had decided my marriage was worth fighting for, and divorce was NOT an option.

  So now what?! 

Remember, this all was written 9 months ago.  God has been working in our hearts and lives ever since, praise His name!  

  This was written 7/11/2011, less than 24 hours after “The Truth”:

  Dale is letting me decide where we go from here. His desire is to rebuild, start again, with Jesus in the center.  Funny, I thought He was in the center the first go around?! 

  Yes, Dale is still here, sleeping on the couch per his insistence. I told him I didn’t give a rip where he slept, we’d shared a bed of lies for the last 1 1/2 years, might as well share it again tonight, just don’t you dare touch me, I said.  I want to keep up appearances for the children, who come in at 6:15 often.  Destiny was already very tearful tonight, picking up on daddy’s tears. 

  Sleep evades me, my mind returning to the scene he described to me with a woman I don’t know, but HATE, pinching myself to make sure this isn’t a nightmare.  All I want to do is go to bed, curl up next to my loving, faithful husband and fall into a peaceful slumber, but those days are gone.  I have no desire for Dale to touch me in any way, yet that’s all I want, is to be loved on, kissed and cuddled….told that I am good enough, that I am pretty enough, that I am worth being faithful to.

  Questions of that fateful day and the events that took place, bombard my thoughts constantly, until I think I will go insane.  Dale, being the non-detailed person he is, just kinda summed it up and thought this should be enough for me.

It wasn’t.

I needed to fill in the blanks so to speak.  I needed answers to quiet these questions in my head.  I desperately wanted to stop imagining that day of betrayal OVER and OVER and OVER in my head.

  I know what I need to do.  I need to talk to the “Other Woman”.  She owed me that much.  So I ask Dale to find her for me on Facebook.  He was very hesitant, but agreed to try to find her, having no idea if she even had an account.  He has to call the office to “check on a case” to even remember her last name. 

Sick.  

Is our marriage worth so little that he was willing to throw it all away for a nameless one time fling?

  With a few clicks, he found her on my Facebook account since he doesn’t have one, and quickly pushes out the office chair to leave the room, saying he was going to vomit.  Calling over his shoulder for me to PLEASE be careful that I didn’t make things worse for us by doing this.

   My hands are shaking as I sit down at the computer and peering closely at the tiny profile picture to see the woman who I “lost” to.  To see if she was prettier, if she had a better body……seeking answers I would not find in her photo.

  Handing shaking, vomit in my throat, I take my mouse and hover over “Message” and I click.  The words that poured from me are not pretty.   I knew I should seek the Lord about the words I wrote, so I too, pushed out the office chair and walked away, pleading with Him to let me have this. 

Let me push send.  Please.

  After an hour and a few edits to erase some of the ugly, I did it, I pushed send.

Here is what I wrote her:

Hi xxxxxxx, This is Tonya Ferguson. I am sure you recognize my last name, seeing how you screwed my husband last October. Dale Ferguson from ##### ring a bell?  How dare you, Home Wrecker. Guess what? You don’t win. Satan doesn’t win. I do. My marriage does. How does it feel to be used? To have my husband turn his face away from you?  You deserve more. I deserve more. You disrespected me, you disrespected yourself, you disrespected my husband and my 9 year marriage. Did he happen to mention we have 4 kids? 8, 4, 2, and 10 months. How does it feel to have torn our family apart? I don’t know how you look at yourself in the mirror each day. When you see a ring on a man’s finger, BACK OFF. All the wives in America will thank me for writing you this, girls like you, make wives like us SICK. I deserve to hear from you what happened between you and my husband. I want to hear it. I NEED to hear it to move on. Please. Tonya

  She wrote back that very night, begging for a chance to talk on the phone with me, saying she had been waiting a long time to get this off her chest.  I kept feeling like I was going to vomit, but after an hour or so of thinking about it and processing, I decided that I wanted to hear it.  She owed me an explanation.  Plus, I wanted to hear her side of the story to make sure Dale told me the truth.

I talked to her for nearly an hour.

AN HOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Below is what I wrote in my journal:

  You are never ever going to believe this, but she is a really nice girl. Crazy, but true. I could hear her talking to her little boy in the background, and she was very patient, pushing for manners and obedience from him. As much as I didn’t want to, my heart went out to her and I connected with her: mom to mom.  I actually complimented her, telling her she was very kind and a good momma. Then we got down to business……

I told her that she ruined my marriage and then, I asked for her to tell me her version of what happened that day.

She told nearly the same story as Dale, there were a few details he had forgotten, but close none the less. She apologized profusely the entire time we talked. Saying she was coming out of a dark time of abuse from her ex-husband and was looking for affection.
  We talked further about respect and how she should respect herself enough to say no to cheap propositions. We talked about motherhood and finding Jesus. I told her she should hold out for her hero, rather than to try to find her worth in men or sex. She was so open, so gentle, so hungry for truth.  

  She said that she had started going to her Grandma’s church after what happened with Dale, that it pushed her towards a Savior she needed all along.  She had quit her job soon after it happened, because she just couldn’t stand the hurt and pain any longer, of seeing Dale and knowing what she had done. Towards the end of the hour conversation, I started feeling prompted to offer her my forgiveness.

Seriously, Lord? ALREADY?!  It’s been like what, 24 hours?

I didn’t know if I could do it, but when the Lord gave me the second nudge a few minutes later, I tearfully, obeyed:

“xxxxx, I want to offer my forgiveness to you. I really do. This is what the Lord is asking of me, to forgive as He forgave me.  I think this is a key step in moving forward with Dale and saving our marriage.  Talking to you has made you real, not some evil home wrecker. You are a nice girl who had bad things happen…….and well, I forgive you. I really do.”

She began to BAWL.  Seriously sobbing into the phone, barely able to say the following:

“Tonya, I can’t even begin to tell you….thank you so much.  I am soooo sorry for what occurred, and I can’t tell you how much your forgiveness means to me. I will do anything I can to help you heal from this. Anything! I sound so selfish, but this is so healing for me. You are such a strong woman. I don’t deserve this!” 

  After this, Dale got on the phone, and with tears in his eyes, apologized to her for his part in this. She in return apologized for her part and said she took full responsibility for what happened. He said, no, we both were at fault. She bawled and thanked us for being so gracious to her and kind to her.

  Oh my goodness, a million pound weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This is HUGE in the process. The sick feeling that comes with thinking of her has lessened by a ton…that hatred I felt for this “slut” that ruined marriages, is gone. Having her be a real person, hearing her be a single momma to her sweet polite boy, opened my eyes to the hurt “little girl” she was, just having left her abusive husband. How sad that she was looking for affection after a horrible relationship. Dale seemed safe to her, so she acted…they acted.  

July 12th, 32 hours after “The Truth”

  Despite all the emotion and tears, God is already beginning a work in us. I can feel it.  A mentor of Dale’s from Men’s Encounter called to check on us, and he went crazy and said he couldn’t believe that we had gone from talking divorce to fighting for our marriage in 24 hours! He said that’s like 2 months of marriage counseling already. Then after I told him about the above conversation with “The Other Woman”, he laughed and praised the Lord. He says 6 months of marriage counseling has already been achieved. It was good to hear his praise, and I am thankful.  

But this morning, July 12th, just 32 short hours after my world changed forever, I am struggling with different thoughts:

  Instead of imagining him with this aggressive marriage wrecker, and seething with rage…….I am imaging a different kind of girl.

  Although I am thankful that the venom and churning stomach from my hatred of her are gone, but that wall of anger?  Well, it was offering me protection.  Now, my heart has broken all over again at the thought of them together.  Taking away the anger, left me to feel just how raw my heart is now.  The anger was masking it.   

Now, my chest aches as if there is a knife there, stabbing with every pulse of my heart. 

 Tears flowing with ever breath I take. 

  The part that hurts the worst, the part that makes me sob as I write this, my tears blurring these words, is that she felt it necessary to prove she could be needed by a “Good man”. 

  She said Dale was so kind and respectful in the office to everyone, that if she could “get” someone like him, surely she was of worth, surely she could find value in a man like Dale. It hurts more than I can say, to know that MY ‘Good man’ didn’t turn her down;  he had an opportunity to be Jesus to her, yet allowed satan to blind him so severely, that he didn’t even see the potential of being a light to this hurting woman.

  I wanted MY good man, to say NO to her advances.  I wanted to be the victor that day.  

  Sadly, my “Good Man” stumbled, then fell.  Blinded to the truth, and desensitized to the clanging warning bells by a hidden 23 year long on and off again pornography habit.  He silenced those bells that day and chose LUST.  The Bible is so clear on having pure eyes, the path of choosing otherwise, will always lead to destruction.  Always. Even if you are a “good” Christian man.  You are not immune. It only makes you a bigger target for the devil.

  And so here I stand, feeling as if I have lost everything I held so dear.  Robbed of the covenant of marriage, the sanctity of the marriage bed, and my self-worth.

I am so very broken.  How in the world does someone move on from this?

Oh Jesus, how I need you.

More Tomorrow…

 ~T

Shattered Hearts, Broken Promises

The voices in her head are taunting.

Cruel, hateful words come from their lips…

Stupid.

Foolish.

Blind.

So very Trusting.

So Naïve.

“The sky is green and the grass is blue today, Tonya!”

She responds, “Oh really?! How lovely that must be!”

She is Stupid.

How could she be SO incredibly blind?

How could she not feel her in the bedroom with them?

Who is HER you ask?

Why, the other woman of course.

  The day I was told the truth, my heart fell down. Down, down, down, until it fell out.

I felt it.

I heard it fall to the floor and shatter.

  Or maybe that was the sound of the glass Cinderella Happily Ever After Castle I had lived in for nearly 10 wonderful years. As it came crashing to the ground, millions of tiny shards of glass pierced my body. My chest felt as if an elephant was sitting on it, my breath coming in short gasps, my stomach churned and I feared I would vomit.

All this as I stood in the laundry room, staring over the heads of our 4 children, to a man with haunted, sorrowful eyes. Our 4 precious ones were between us, lined up to wash hands for supper, after returning home from an evening at church.

Desperately trying to keep the smile pasted to my face, I cheerfully say: “Let’s wash hands and then eat some supper!“

Anything to protect them from what I knew was coming.

Let’s back up a bit:

It was July 10^th, 2011. We had gone to pick up Dale from a weekend away at Men’s Encounter. A Spiritual “tear you down and build you up again, lay it all before the cross” kind of weekend. He said we’d talk after the kids were in bed about all the Lord showed him. I was excited, anticipating our quiet time! Anticipating the changes I knew I’d see in him, hoping he’d be ready to kick things up a notch in our home, to really step into the position of the Spiritual leader.

As I was sorting Dale’s laundry, just moments after we arrived home, I found a note, written on a yellow piece of paper. I had already read another stack of yellow notes, encouraging words from roommates from Encounter, so I figured this one was one he had missed.

There was a reason this one was isolated. This one was alone because it housed a dark, ugly secret. No, this one HINTED at a dark ugly secret, but I knew, instantly I knew. The sweet letter to Dale from a leader, suggested another couple to “help us through this difficult time”. As soon as I saw the couples name he suggested we speak with, I knew. I knew their story; the lies, the women, the betrayal. I knew, and it was all I could do to keep it together for the 2 hours until bedtime. I am still not sure how I stood to make supper, my body in such a state of shock.

As Dale tucked the children in, I walked to the laundry room, I’m still not sure why. Maybe to see if I could find my heart? Maybe to re-live what occurred only moments before, or was it hours by now? It all was a blur, I was moving in a cloud, no, my worst nightmare. Unable to stand another moment, I sunk to the floor, back against the cold dryer and wrapped my arms around my knees, burying my face in them. Pressing my forehead down HARD on them. Shaking from head to toe, wanting to bawl, yet nothing. Not one single tear came. Is it possible to be too hurt to cry?!

Yes.

I heard, rather than saw, Dale enter the laundry room once the kids were settled. The familiar pop-pop of his knees as he sunk to the floor, was another stab to the heart. Everything I knew was a lie, the familiar and strangely comforting sounds, yet another painful reminder of all that was lost. This man I loved and adored now represented hurt, betrayal, & indescribable heartache.

 Head still on my knees, I hear a whispered, tearful, broken….

”I’m so sorry, Tonya. So, so very sorry.”

I cannot write the words that spewed from my mouth, the vomit in word form that came. They are too awful. I am too ashamed that those words were in me. But they were, and they spewed forward like hot lava.

“Who was she and how many times?”

I spoke through clenched teeth. Hate pouring through every pore of my being, pulsing with every beat of my broken heart.

If looks could’ve killed, Dale would’ve been dead in an instant, joining the cold, lifeless “Old Tonya“ on the floor. She died the moment she heard the news, you know. She died, along with all of her childhood hopes and dreams of one day having her own happily ever after.

I could only look at him a split second at a time before looking up, down, re-burying my head in my knees, ANYTHING except looking at my betrayer.

I couldn’t.

This- this disgusting thing across from me, was my HUSBAND.

MY LOVER.

MY SOUL MATE.

MY BEST FRIEND.

The man I loved most. The man I SAVED myself for. The man I gave EVERYTHING to. How could I feel so much hate for someone I loved so dearly?

LoveD so dearly? Past tense? In that moment I didn’t know what I felt. It was so jumbled I couldn’t make sense of it.

So I just poured putrid, hateful words from my lips, calling him every bad name I had ever heard.

And do you know what?

He just wept and took it.

“I know,” he said, “I know. You aren’t calling me anything I haven’t called myself 1000 times.”

Dale came across the laundry room and wrapped his arms around me, the tenderness finally provoking tears, and I cried into the chest of the man who caused this pain. Loving him and hating him so fiercely I didn’t know which way was up. Sobbing, pounding his chest with my fist calling him names, yet clinging to his neck like a life line. He is all I know. My heart and body so inner-twined with this man that I feared I would never be just “me” again. I shove away from him, no longer able to tolerate his touch.

For 6 hours, we were in separate rooms of the house. 6 long hours I was locked in hell, being kept captive by my ugly thoughts, by the imagining of horrible details far worse than the truth I was told later.

Dale kindly asked if I’d like him to move out?

I spewed from my mouth:

“NO. You deserve to stay here and see what you pissed away. What you lost for 15 minutes on your office floor. You deserve to see those kids faces and imagine your life “Every Other Weekend.”

He made a bed on the couch that night.

Bastard.  Served him right.

I sent an email to a trusted mentor of mine, who had helped us through some of the hurdles before our courtship:

“I sent Dale to a Men’s Encounter weekend, well, what a weekend it was. My marriage is over.
Who’d have thought that me sending Dale, hoping he’d come back ready to be the leader of our home, would unleash a year-long secret. A secret of ultimate betrayal. Every moment of every day for the past year, my husband has lied to me with his silence. Has held me in his arms and made love to me, promising me the world, telling me how good we were together, how much he loved our life…..lies. I want to puke.

Did I tell you my dad cheated on my mom? That it rocked my world at age 17 when we found out? I remember my mom sitting on the front porch, sobbing.
I didn’t speak to the Lord or my dad for a year. My earthly father had broken my heart, what did I have to say to my Heavenly Father?

Nothing.

Fathers couldn’t be trusted.

  Now? I am living my very own hell on earth. I have been so fearful of this from the get go. I begged Dale to be true to me. I checked Dale’s phone often for weird numbers, asked questions about what I thought were lip stick stains on his shirt etc. I’ve spent our entire marriage, begging him to be truthful, I constantly asked him about temptation and porn.

He told me he wasn’t like other guys, that he didn’t have wandering eyes since I was the only girl for him.

LIES!

  My trust and questions got me nowhere. And look at me now. Naive and stupidly trusting, blinded to the truth. Thinking we were happy when we obviously weren’t. Thinking I was all Dale needed, when that was not the case.
I am a happily ever after kinda girl. I just wrote out our whole love story on my blog in May, prompted by the Lord to share, so others could see how the Lord had taken a man who had made some big mistakes, healed him, and used him to teach me about forgiveness. To share how He brought us together, scripting us a beautiful love story, healed my heart and allowed us to become one.  4 beautiful children later, I am living my very own dream come true. How could things be going so WRONG!?
I saved everything for Dale. I prayed for him every day from age 13 on. I wrote him love letters each and every birthday, promising him I was still praying for him, waiting for him, anticipating the day the Lord brought him into my life. When I turned 19 I was able to finally replace “Dear Future Husband” at the beginning of the letter with “My Dearest Dale”. What a moment! What a thrill it gave my heart to finally have a name at the top of these letters!

He didn’t save himself for marriage like I did, but I forgave him, trusting him to change. Guess I wasn’t worth waiting for then or now.

Married to my first love at 20, having our first child at 21. 8 pregnancy’s in 8 years did a number on us.

He stole my everything.

My kisses, my love, my purity, my heart.

I have been robbed. Robbed by a slut named xxxxxxx, an agent he was running appointments with, who took it upon herself to reach across the car and feel him up. Dale’s ring didn’t stop her from trying. Worst of all, DALE didn’t stop her from trying. No wonder we’ve gone through 10 of our hardest months financially. The Lord spewed us from His mouth. No wonder He removed His hand of blessing on us. We all suffered because of Dale’s stupid mistake.
I am so angry right now I could puke. Scream. Sob.

  So there you are. One ugly spewing email. I am scared to tell anyone of this. Scared because I already get flack for my life being too sunshine-y. Too happy. But I really meant it. Every stinkin’ word. I really was THAT happy. I thought he was too.
I have an 8-year-old, a 4-year-old, a 2-year-old and a 10 month old. What in the world am I going to do?

Please don’t tell anyone.

I am so ashamed. ~T

I pushed send, no longer caring if someone found out my ugly secret, I needed counsel, I needed to be told how to breathe, how to live with this pain. After I pushed send, I crawled to bed, alone.

So alone, faith shaken.

Someone pinch me. This can’t be my new life. This can’t be real.

I crawl to bed and roll over. My hand naturally falls to Dale’s side of the bed, as is my habit of nearly 10 years. Except this time, it finds no warm body to draw comfort from. Instead, it rests in the dip of the mattress where Dale used to be found. My heart aches with the emptiness of my new life, my new reality.

Then, the tears came…..

Wracking sobs; the ugly kind of cry where you scream, choke and do the ooh-ooh-ooh between sobs, trying to catch your breath. I kept thinking I was going to vomit. Maybe I would’ve felt better had I been able to.

Sleep evades me that night, my mind returning to the scene he described to me….its ugly beginnings in the car, then on the floor of his office with a woman I don’t know, but HATE. HATE!

Literally pinching myself to make sure this isn’t a nightmare. All I want to do, is go to bed, curl up next to my loving, faithful husband and fall into a peaceful slumber………

But, those days are gone.

I cried all night in my lonely bed; hurting, imagining, despising. Dividing up our home, our furniture; trying to decide where I would live, how I could support 4 young children, how I could take Dale for all he had, how I could make him as hurt and miserable as he made me. Thinking of the “D” word we swore we’d never speak:

DIVORCE.

Well, all other promises had been broken, why not this one too?

Little did I know, that Dale was out on the couch, weeping along with me and praying his heart out. He knew he didn’t dare come offer me comfort. He said it about killed him, he’d never felt so helpless. So hopeless.

All this as I sobbed myself into an exhausted slumber, the last thing I recall is the clock reading 3:12 am.

5 am comes and I wake suddenly and sit up all in the same moment. What a bad dream!

I glance behind me and see an empty spot in the bed. Dear God. It wasn’t a dream, but my new ugly reality. Instantly the tears were back and I WAILED at the injustice of it all. WAILED.

Instantly, Dale came from the living room to my side, offering his arms, wanting so badly to bring me comfort. Repulsed by his touch, I shoved him away. I needed to clear my head, so I left out the front door, sitting at the end of the sidewalk crying out to God, crying:

WHY? WHY? OH GOD WHY? in to the still, silent morning. Birds just starting to stir and sing their cheerful song, the sun turning the sky a lovely pink color as another day dawned.

How could life go on as if nothing had changed?

Hadn’t the World stopped turning last night at 6 pm?

I‘ll never forget that sunrise as long as I live. It was beautiful; pinks, oranges and purple.

As I cried out to the Lord out there at the end of the sidewalk, watching the dawn of a new day, something inside of me broke. I felt it occur. In the same instance, I knew as sure as I know my name, that He spoke something over me.

“Divorce is NOT the answer.”

{Sigh}

“Yes, Lord. I know.”

I had known it all along, but was trying to justify it.

Just like that, peace that surpasses understanding washed me from head to toe. Instantly, my churning, sick gut silenced. In the next second, a thought flitted across my mind, and I was on my feet before the thought even finished:

Our marriage is worth fighting for.

Our marriage IS worth fighting for.

OUR MARRIAGE IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR!

Yes, Lord, yes! It is!

I marched back inside, thankful it was still early and the kids were sleeping through this, and I walked past the couch where Dale was sitting. Just sitting there, head hung, lonely and broken in the darkened office. I went to my jewelry box and got out my wedding rings, placed them in a velvet box and walked back out to the office. I slide them across the desk to him, looked him in the eye for the first time since he told me his truth, and said that we had 4 very good reasons to stay together; that I still loved him inside all the hate, that the love was still there. I went on to say:

“Our marriage IS worth fighting for. And one day you will be able to slide these rings back on my finger and make me yours again because I. Choose. Us.”

He wept. Just held the ring box and wept.

“I don’t deserve you.” he whispered.

“No, you don’t!” I spouted, “But I love you and I said I do until death do us part, and unlike you, I meant my vows when I said them. You know the crazy part? I don‘t know HOW to be Tonya without Dale. You are all I know, and I am too entwined in you to remove myself. I‘d never be a whole again. There’d always be jagged edges from where I unwound my life from yours. I love you too much to give up on us.”

Less than 12 hours after the lovely Castle I lived in came crashing around me, I had made my peace that Divorce was not an option.

So, now what?

Little did I know, the Lord was already beginning a work in us.

A Supernatural one.

More tomorrow…..

Listen, before I go and before you begin to comment and send me messages, I ask you this:

Remember that I choose to stay with Dale. That I love him, and that I am rebuilding a life with him. That you just now, got put emotionally where I was in July. We have been fighting tooth and nail for our marriage the 9 months since then, so please, temper your words accordingly.

Also, please pray for us to be protected from the attacks of satan. We know we may lose “friends” over this. We know the rumor mill will fly and in the days to come, we will have to answer lots of questions and may have to defend ourselves and our decision to stay together, as even good friends can give bad advice.

Please pray that our words would be seasoned with salt, that we would be able to show the Love of Christ to all we share about this matter in the days to come. That this ugly could be used for HIS glory. That beauty could come from these ashes we call our marriage.

God is a God of restoration, of total healing…….

Trust me, I’m experiencing it with each and every breath I take.

~T

This post shared with:
Unveiled Wife

To Love, Honor and Vacuum

A Holy Experience  

Owning My Truth

  I am ready to own my truth.

  On September 1st, I wrote this post: Broken.

  I had to, for I felt fake, limping along trying to remain positive and sunshiny.  Trying so hard to keep this blog normal and happy, but failing.

    I had to let you in on a piece of my heartache, so I could move forward in my tragedy.  And, just as I hoped, you lovingly supported me.  Wrote me beautiful emails and lifted up prayers on my behalf.  Thank you.  If you haven’t read it yet, please take a moment and do so.

  For 9 months now, I have mulled over when I was to share what Broke me in such a way. How to go about it, asking the Lord to show me what to do and when to do it.  Asking Him to tell me WHY I had to share this heartache. 

  And He showed me, in a way I could understand, that this hurt was not to be wasted.  That He had plans to bring me hope and a future, that He planned to take the broken pieces of our lives to create a beautiful mosaic for HIS GLORY.  After He showed me through scripture, He went ahead a confirmed it through 3 different people, who are from totally different parts of my life, each of them having no idea the other person had just said the same thing…..

  I was going to be asked to share, to own my truth rather than hide behind it.

  So it is coming, first thing Monday morning.

The truth. 

All of it.

  This story I will share with you has been baptized and transformed into HIS story. Praise His name!  We are being made strong, because God never orders anything without paying for it, because he is a Gentleman. He wouldn’t have us go through this without supplying everything we need to accomplish it, and He is, He has!

  Satan already tried to stop this story from coming once, when he had my newer Dell crash.  3 computer techies looked at it and deemed it un-salvageable, even ones who had near perfect records of saving the un-saveable.  I was devastated at the hours lost, the sleepless nights writing until wee hours of the morning, wasted.  

  I will not be stopped by the devil. 

  So, as the Lord prompted, I re-wrote the story and it is ready to share. Hours of tears, puffy eyes and sleepless nights have been put into these posts that are coming.  3 weeks of them in fact: Monday through Thursday, April 30th-May 17th.  (Weekend Potluck will continue as usual!)

This will not be light reading, but I hope you’ll stick with me. 

  Now, I will warn you…..

The most religious may not hear it, for it messes with their “religious programing”. They have it all figured out, of course.  However, they will gossip about it to their church friends…

”Did you read what Tonya wrote this week? What was she THINKING!”

Some will have pride issues…..

 “I would never do that, because I do not sin!”

The pious will not lower themselves to hear, or receive it. They don’t want to get muddy with real life problems……..They are too good, too churchy, to admit sin actually happens, because it makes them feel uncomfortable.

“Tonya didn’t need to share that openly. Dirty laundry was not meant to be aired.”

  No matter your stand, it is coming:  Monday, April 30th, 2012 at 7 am.

I have been praying for you for 9 months.  Yes, you my dear reader, that your heart would be ready to hear my truth.

 Because the truth will set us free…..

~T

  

Brownie Surprise

 

  Let’s say you came over to my house for coffee and brownies.  Yay! Talk time!

  Let’s say you were just getting ready to sink your teeth into this delicious looking, gooey brownie, when I oh-so casually mention that there is only a teeny tiny itsy-bitsy bit of Poop in them.

What?

It’s just a teeny bit of poop.

You wouldn’t still eat them?  Not even one bite?

Yeah, me neither. 

 Gross.

  How is it then, that we’ll watch a movie with just a “Little bit” of swearing in it, or a “Little bit” of blood shed, or “just a little” casual sex or what have you?

  Satan is on the prowl people, like a lion.  (I Peter 5:8) His attacks are not always LOUD, they can be as quiet as a whispered negative thought in your ear.  He lulls us to sleep with his sweet lies, as he slowly turns up the heat.  He seeks to destroy us, it’s his one mission in life.  He sneakily blurs the lines on our boundaries until we no longer realize when they have been crossed, then suddenly, the pot is boiling and we are getting burned, big time.  At this victory, he throws his head back and screams with laughter.  Success.

Proverbs 16:25 “There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.”

  The door to your home can be opened to the devil by a single magazine, chapter book, commercial or TV show.  A little bit of promiscuity, a little bit of sorcery or witch craft, a little bit of sex before marriage, just a few, blood sucking, back-from-the-dead vampire scenes, just a few times of using the Lord’s name in vain, just a couple homosexual kisses.

All blatantly going against what the infallible word of God teaches.

  So really, is there such a thing as “Just a little bit of poop”?

Nope.

James 1:2 “So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the message God has planted in your hearts, for it is strong enough to save your souls.”

Hebrews 12:1b & 2, “….let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us.  We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish.”

  Run the race,  keep your eyes on Jesus, and keep these kinds of Brownies out of your home, head, heart and mouth, even if they contain “just a little bit of poop”.

Blessings,

~T

P.S.  For the actual recipe for the Brownies picture above, “Surprise” free of course, click here:

Ooey Gooey Peanut Buttery Brownies.

Out of the Fire & Into the Oasis of His Love

  Do you remember the Blog series I wrote in June on our Year of Financial Discipline?

  If not, please take a moment, and catch up here!  God worked some AMAZING miracles for us, praise His name:

1) Jesus Loves Me This I Know

2) Seeing God’s Provision

3) God Loves Me Too Much To Keep Me As I Am

  So so many of you dear sweet friends, have written me privately, asking me how things are going now? 

    Remember, when the Lord gave the following verse to me early on, and I BEGGED HIM, pleasepleaseplease don’t let it be a WHOLE year of financial “drought”.

Jeremiah 17:8 “He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

October 28th, 2010 we received our last “normal” paycheck (whatever “normal” is in a commission only job) and began a journey to a new us. A journey that included trusting in God to provide for today ONLY today’s needs, no extra. A journey to humbly being on the OTHER end of a grocery drive or gracious giving, time and time again. A journey that included a tearing down of us, our dreams, our plans for our financial future.

On October 28th, 2011 we were removed from the Refiners Fire in the area of Finances. We felt it occur like a breath of FRESH air. Like someone opening the door while you are sitting in a sauna room.

  This is how it went:

  Around the 3rd week of October, 2011, both Dale and I felt the Lord had told us (separately, in different ways) that our year of financial discipline was coming to a close. Good, I thought, it’s been a year almost to the day: October 28th is just around the corner.

Guess what?

It was just past this year mark, when we bounced our first check.

Ugh, SERIOUSLY LORD!?

  All these months of discipline, all these months of no money, yet all the bills getting met just as they come due, and NOW at the end of the year mark, when we are hoping for reprieve, THIS?!  A bounced CHECK!?!?!?!?

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

  Enough is enough!

   You can imagine our heart-break. All along we had been saying:

“Look how God is providing, we have had this awful year of low pay and high bills and look…not one bounced check.” 

  It was like our “proof” of God’s faithfulness or something.  Here we thought our time of drought was over and the harvest had come, then whammo, bounced check…..

  I think that last little bit of a crutch needed to be removed.  I think it needed to be a full on, 100%, God doesn’t need my “Proof”, kind of experience before it could be over.  That bounced check was a breaking point for Dale. I found him weeping in our darkened room early one morning, kneeling by the chair crying out to God:

 “Why? Why must we continue this path of discipline? We are stripped of all we are, please, take this financial discipline from us, it’s too much.”

   I sat down on the ottoman, wrapped my arms around him and prayed for my broken man.  He stopped crying and praying, and looked up with the most amazed expression on his face and says:

“I just heard Him say, ‘It’s always darkest before dawn.”

A flicker of Hope.  A breath of Fresh Air.

  3 weeks later, we got 4 checks in one week, unheard of this past year.

  Then, clients started calling Dale and asking him to come write them some business, and while he was there, could he take the name of their friends, too?

WHAT?!  Praise you, Jesus!

  This was when we noticed we had been removed from the Refiners Fire & the rain drops of blessing were beginning to fall.  No kidding.  Our “Year of drought” literally ended a year after it began, just as the verse had promised.

  This will be the 3rd time I have posted this letter on the blog, but I think it’s important you read it again, because it describes exactly what occurred!  It is to be read as if your Heavenly Father is speaking to you:

My dear one, my refining fire was never intended to hurt you, only to help you.

When the firing is complete I won’t leave you in the heat one second more than is necessary, but will RUN to you and deliver you into my loving arms.

Can I not remove you from the heat of the fire in a split instant… into the Oasis of my love?

I am pleased pleased pleased with you, my child. Don’t doubt for a minute my immense love for you……

  You will never on this earth know what measures of my love I am bestowing on you and your family in these days. I’m only giving you a glimpse here and there. Don’t fear in these days, my dear one. You’re not passing through the fire alone.

You may not feel my hand or see my loving face, but I’m here… right beside you… silently, quietly, patiently, holding your hand.

I love you,

Daddy

  We have passed through the Fire, and now are in the Oasis of His love!  Praise His name!

  One day, my families financial “store house” will be full again, maybe even overflowing.  No matter what, we’ll always be able to look back on this time and see God’s finger prints all over it. We learned such valuable lessons, and sadly, it took lack of finances to get our attention and refocus it on our Father and His desire to provide for our every need, big or small.

  We’ve learned to not waste another MINUTE of these precious moments in time, worrying about what we will eat, what we will wear, how I can pay several thousand dollars worth of bills when the numbers DO NOT ADD UP, because time and time again, month after month, week after week, minute after minute, He will take care of my family….just in time. He is rarely early and NEVER late.

We’ve learned that we NEVER want to take on the spirit of self-sufficiency again! No matter how comfortable things seem, we want to commit everything to HIM!  Our finances, Dale’s job, our marriage….all of it.

  We’ve learned that we don’t want to be “Lazy givers” and just throw a little money at every good cause that comes our way. We want to commit to prayer what we should do, knowing full well, we may be asked to volunteer our time, resources or prayers instead of cash.

  We’ve let go of the “American Dream” and are making serious plans to get out of debt, even working towards selling off our “Dream Land” we prayed so many years for.

  2011 will no doubt go down as the toughest in the history of our lives as a married couple. We have been broken down to nothing and built back up again.  We have been redefined down to our core beings.  NEVER have we been stretched so much, never have we spent more time in the refiners fire being molded, chiseled and changed. NEVER have we felt the Lord’s gentle, loving hand more, as He held us up when we could no longer stand on our own two feet.

  Now, we are in the midst of a quiet harvest:

Hebrews 12:6, 9-11 “For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes those he accepts as his children. For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always right and good for us because it means we will share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it is painful! But afterward there will be a quiet harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.”

  I want to bottle up this experience up and carry it with me forever. I don’t want to “lose it” like you lose a spiritual high after coming home from Summer Church Camp. Somehow, I MUST take this and apply it, use it as a filter on my life from here forward, so that every purchase, every decision, every check to a good cause flows through that filter.

  Like a country coming out of a time of famine, I know it will take time, even years, to build up our savings again, to catch up from a full year of belt-tightening, to look around and see the lush beauty of a land of bountiful crops.

But, one thing we can immediately count on is this:

Isaiah 55:8-13

“My thoughts are completely different from yours,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. The rain and the snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it. You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands! Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where briers grew, myrtles will sprout up. This miracle will bring great honor to the Lord’s name; it will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.”

  Isn’t that a beautiful image?  “Where there were once thorns, cypress trees will grow.” 

The ugly brown of drought is being lifted, as the faint green of harvest begins to peek it’s head through the cracked, dry soil. 

One day, things will be lush and beautiful again, and it will be all for God’s glory…..

(via)

Praise be to God, for He is working in our lives in VERY real ways!  The miracles occurring in these 4 walls will be a testament of His great power and love!  Glory be to my Father in Heaven, who loves me too much to leave me as I am…..

~T

 

Teaching Our Children to Pray

  There are so many jobs that come with parenthood, from teaching our kids their ABC’s, to manner training, shoe tying & more importantly……Spiritual matters of the heart.

  One thing we must do, is teach our children to pray.  And it’s easier than you think!

  I have a very vivid memory as a child of about 5 years old, of something that occurred at my house in Phoenix.  My mom was on the phone, crying and upset.  She had just received sad news about my grandpa.  I recall her hanging up the phone and walking towards me in the living room, wiping her tears.  “Come here Tonya, we need to pray for your Grandpa”.  I can still remember kneeling next to her in the living room, on the floor in front of our brown velvet couch, light streaming in through the blinds making strips on it.  I recall pressing clasped hands to my forehead and peering out at her as she tearfully petitioned our Heavenly Father on her father’s behalf.   I remember feeling better and at peace when we were done.  Whether my mom did it on purpose or not, I learned something that day:  That when we are scared, we can kneel before our Heavenly Father, and find peace.

  Now, I am the mother. It’s MY job to teach my kids to go to prayer, to run to Jesus with joy or sadness.  One of the simplest things we have started is this: 

  Whenever we hear a siren from our home, or see or hear an ambulance or fire truck zoom by while we are in the car, we take a moment and say a prayer.  We pray for the family that called 911, the fire fighters, medics and police officers to arrive safely and on time, that the Lord would spare the lives of those involved.

  This has become second nature to our children, and now, without me prompting, they bow their heads and pray…sometimes out loud, sometimes inside their heads when we hear sirens.  It is my hope that this simple thing becomes a life long habit for them.

Another habit to promote, is the phrase: “Praise the Lord” or if you are Avery, “Pwaise da Waurd!”  This is heard often throughout the day, from big moments like when we found our lost kitty, to small moments, like someone falling off their bike and not “having blood”, or Tylan finding his favorite race car he’d been looking for allll morning.  This simple praise-prayer helps them to give credit where credit is due, gives God the glory and reminds them to pray without ceasing!

  Another way we can teach our children to pray is by repetition.  We pray over our children a similar prayer every night.  And interestingly enough, after 8 years of praying this over Destiny, she has started to repeat things in her own prayers and in her own words.  And when big sis does stuff like this, the others are sure to follow. 

  Destiny 8, Tylan 4 and Avery 3, already have begun to pray for their future spouses, because they are parroting what they hear us pray and have, in their own way, grasped the importance of this.  They know that somewhere, out there in the world, a little girl or boy is being brought up to one day be their best friend, soul mate and help mate, and they are excited to meet them!

  In our bedtime routine, after Bible story and songs, Dale picks a number between 1 and 10.  Each child picks a number and whoever is closest, goes first.  Followed by the other kids, then mom, then Dale closes.

  Here is basically what I pray over them during family prayer time every night:

  God, we come before you tonight and thank you for our blessings.  (we list specific blessings) Thank you for our 4 children here on earth with us, and the 4 in Heaven with you.  We ask, Father, that you would bless each life in this room with health and wholeness and long, full lives on this earth.
We pray that our children would come to know you at an early age; thank you that Destiny, Tylan & Avery have already made you their personal Savior.  We pray Paxton would come to know you at an early age as well.  May our kids have a close and special relationship with you, and may they NEVER stray from the teachings of the Bible, the church, or this home.  We pray against the spirit of rebellion from ever entering this place.  May our children always stay on the straight and narrow path that you have set before them.  May they see, hear and know, only the truth.
I pray that they would show kindness and love to everyone they meet, and be Jesus to all they come in contact with.  I pray that when people see our family, they see your light shining through us.
  Lord, I just pray that our children would save themselves for marriage, that they would hang on to their purity for the treasure it is.  That they would trust in you to pick out their spouse for them.  That those girls and boys that are to marry our kids, wherever they are, would be raised in a Godly home, taught manners, obedience, hard work, and money management.  That they would hide God’s word in their heart that they might not sin against you.  That they would be taught the importance of purity and praying for their future spouses: our kids.  I pray that we would raise our children up in a way that is pleasing to you, that our boys would be men of honor and integrity and our girls would be Proverbs 31 wives.
  I pray that our children would have a covenant with their eyes to not look upon anything impure, that they would not participate in cattiness or gossip, rumors or lies, that they would be friends to everyone.  That coarse or unclean talk would not come from their lips.  That they would recognize the attacks of the enemy at the first sign and flee from temptation.
We pray that you would reveal their God-given gifts and talents at an early age, so we can nurture those and help those to grow to further the Kingdom of God.
We love you Jesus and we thank you for giving your life on the cross so we could have eternal life.  We pray angels of protection at every door and every window of this home, and we plead the Blood of Jesus over our family as we sleep tonight.
We love you Jesus! In your name we pray, Amen.

Something Dale and I have done since Destiny was born, is pray this nightly devotion book over our children.  This book was given to me by my mother 9 years ago, and as you can tell, it is falling to pieces:

   “While They Were Sleeping” deals with 12 character traits, each topic broken down into several nights worth of 1 page prayers and applicable Bible verses.  These 12 traits are:

Kindness, Humility, Teachability, Forgiveness, Obedience, Discernment, Purity, Responsibility, Courage, Servanthood, Contentment, & Endurance

  From the preface:

“A child who loves the Lord and grows to reflect His character….it’s our heart’s desire.  That’s why we work so hard to guide our children biblically by teaching values, building character and carefully setting boundaries.  But one of the most important things we can do for our children may occur in the still of the night – while all is quiet, and they are sound asleep.  That is….to pray for them- faithfully, and fervently petitioning the Father on their behalf-involving ourselves in the work HE is doing in their lives……

God can move, shape and fashion the very hearts of our children through prayer.  “While They Were Sleeping” is a 12 week prayer guide, designed to help you pray systematically and specifically of character traits to be built in your child’s life.  You will learn how to pray aggressively for your children, calling out to God until He fulfills the promises He has already graciously given in His word.”

  I HIGHLY recommend this book!  I think it will give you peace in your hearts as you think of the daunting list of things to pray over your children.  This breaks it down into very manageable nuggets for each night.  Make it part of your nightly routine, you won’t be sorry!

————————————————————————————————

A Parent’s Prayer

Help Me give my children the best… not of trappings or toys,

but of myself, cherishing them on good days and bad, theirs and mine.

Teach Me to accept them for who they are, not for what they do;

to listen to what they say, if only so they will listen to me;

to encourage their goals, not mine;

And please, let me laugh with them and be silly.

Let Me give them a home where respect is the cornerstone,

integrity the foundation, and there is enough happiness to raise the roof.

May I give them the courage to be true to themselves;

the independence to take care of themselves and the faith to believe in a power

much greater than their own.

See That I discipline my children without demeaning them,

demand good manners without forgetting my own

and let them know they have limitless love, no matter what they do.

Let Me feed them properly, clothe them adequately

and have enough to give them small allowances…

not for the work they do but the pleasure they bring…

and let me be moderate in all these things,

so the joy of getting will help them discover the joy of giving.

See That their responsibilities are real but not burdensome,

that my expectations are high but not overwhelming

and that my thanks and praise are thoughtful and given when they’re due.

Help Me teach them that excellence is work’s real reward,

and not the glory it brings.

But when it comes…. and it will, let me revel in each honor, however small,

without once pretending that it’s mine; my children are glories enough.

Above all, let me ground these children so well that I can dare to let them go.

And may they be so blessed.

by Marguerite Kelly

~T

 

 

“God heard me, Mom! He really DID!”

   Remember Saprina?  (pronounced Sa-prEna)  She’s our new kitty and an important member of the Ferguson household.

  She went missing over a week ago, in the midst of all the chaos of life at the time…think tractors working after midnight and sewage filled yard.  When we realized she was gone, our kids were DEVASTATED!!!!  There were days of sad, quiet sobs, and many sleep interrupted nights as happy dreams became sad realities upon waking…. Poor lovies!

   We posted pictures up on 2 stop signs, in hopes that someone, somewhere had seen a little kitty with a yellow ribbon on her neck.

I truly thought, by a week, and not one phone single call later…….that she was long gone. 😦   I just didn’t have the heart to discourage the children’s wishful thoughts and tearful prayers each night.

  Oh to have faith like a child.  Destiny just knew God was going to answer “Yes”, despite my lecture on God’s different answers:

No.

Yes.

Not right now.

  Well, it was a BIG YES this time! Praise His name! 

  We received a phone call that a family had been driving to Buhler and noticed our sign.  They found a kitty over a week ago with a dingy, dirty, frayed yellow “rope” on her neck, which they immediately cut off.  The mom right away thought it was a ribbon, not a rope.  The kitty they found was so tame and sweet, that they knew right away, she was someone’s pet.  They put out the word that they had found a kitty, but heard nothing.  Oh, thank the Lord they saw our sign! 

  It was too late that night to go get her, and we didn’t DARE say anything to the kids, just in case it wasn’t her.  8 am could NOT come fast enough!  Early the next morning, Dale headed out and called with great news: Yes, it was her.  Get the kids lined up because he’s almost home.

  The reunion went as follows:

“Sit down and DO NOT OPEN your eyes!”

 

Sweet Pax came rushing right over, grunting and pointing “Ooo, Ooo”. He knew something exciting was going on!

“Ok, now open your eyes!”

“SAPRINA!  Is it really you?!”

 Even Sophie was excited her friend was back home. She tried all sorts of plans, trying her hardest to get those short little weiner dog legs up high enough to see her friend, waaaaaay up there, in the kids’ arms.

Avery:  “OH Mommy! I am so gwad dat Sapwena is home!”

{Squeals! Then runs to me and throws her arms around my legs for a TIGHT squeeze.}

 

Happy kids…….

Thank you Lord, for bringing our special Furry friend back to us safe & sound!  We are all SO thankful!  Even Sophie…..

Praise the Lord for answered prayers!

~T

P.S.  Bonus recipe post coming right up:  “Raspberry Sweeties”.  Darling AND delicious!

Bills, Bills & Blessings?

{SIGH}  I hate starting with a disclaimer, but apparently, I must!

  Last week I shared a post with you called With Cherries On Top.  It’s purpose?

To glorify God and give credit to Him as He provided in some AMAZING ways for us that week.   

  Apparently, someone read as far as the picture of the $4 bank account, and decided they needed to run call their friends to share the scandal of Tonya’s blog post with bank account picture. 

“Does she think she’s the only one whose bank account ever looks like that?”

“Is she trying to get people to feel sorry for her?”

“Who takes pictures of their bank account?”

No.  And NO.  And the picture thing? 

  I’m a blogger, we take photos of everything!  My shoes, my chickens, the sky, my garden, my kids feet…you name it, we blog it. It’s how we let people see into our worlds. 

  Would’ve you been any less shocked, had I just written the amount $4.89, rather than taking a picture of the number? Would it have made any difference to you? I seriously doubt it!  Funny, the thing that shocked you, made another reader cry.  It was a visual that caught her heart and made her rejoice with me, not judge me.  There are times photos tell stories like words never could.  They are a powerful tool.

  To this person , I ask 2 things: 

1) Go back and read it. Really read it to the clear bottom.  Please?  I believe you will find that I shared with you each and every way God answered those needs, including the bank account.  I believe you will see my heart was to share with you God’s amazing provision above and beyond anything I could ask or imagine.  I believe you will see there was no pity party, no donation button at the end. 

2) Decide if its necessary that you keep coming here to read.  I’d love to have you come and enjoy yourself, giggle at something the kids did, print off a recipe that sounds good, or praise God with me over His provision, but here’s the deal, if you choose to circle my glass house and throw rocks, you will only hurt both of us in the process.  The shards of my shattered home WILL fly, and unfortunately, neither of us will be unscathed.

  Hurt people, hurt people.  I can only assume this all stems from some hurts in your own life.  I’m sorry if you are hurting. I am sorry if you are going through a tough time.  I am too.  Hardest time in my LIFE.  I haven’t even BEGUN to touch on the heartache and struggles we are currently going through, and I can’t talk about it yet, but let me walk with you. Let me encourage you.  And please, encourage me too. Isn’t that what Christ asks us to do?

{Stepping off soap box}

I keep reminding myself:

 “We find comfort among those who agree with us — growth among those who don’t!”

  Thank you for letting me vent, you’ll see why I felt like I needed to cover that topic here in a second. 

  Last week something awesome happened.  As is his custom, Dale gets the mail from the mailbox as he drives in from work.  The kids and I were hanging outside, awaiting his arrival and enjoying the beautiful weather.

 Oh, and playing with our new “pet”, Fuzzy Wuzzy.  Poor kids, they miss our kitty, Saprina SO bad, but Fuzzy Wuzzy will do for now as they pray for Saprina’s safe return to her home.

   Daddy drives in and pulls into the garage.  I love Paxton’s newest “thing”:

  When he spots his daddy, he begins to wave his arm frantically, like “Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!”,  toddling as fast as those little fat legs can carry him.  He waves from wherever he is in the yard, all the way up to his Daddy.  That arm never stopping, not once, until he has reached his goal. “Hi, Daddy!”

Just precious!

Anyhow, Dale comes out of the garage and says, “Uh babe. You might want to come here.”  Mixed in with a stack of bills is a card:

  A card full of beautiful, encouraging, uplifting words, signed by a Sister In Christ. 

Also in this card? 

State Fair Tickets and cash.

WHAT?!

Dale’s mouth was slack, his eyes wide.  He just stood there, card in one hand, cash and tickets in another.   Amidst tears and grins, our children caught on to what was happening.  It was like Christmas! Jumping up and down squealing with joy!!!

And what blessed me most:

  Destiny kept saying: “Oh praise the Lord! He totally knew I was wishing I could go to the fair this year…..” 

  Of course, the little kids have to do whatever big sis does, so soon the chorus rang, “Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!” Or, if you are Avery, “Pwaise da Waurd, Pwaise da Waurd” with a jump in the air: “YIPEEE!” thrown in for good measure.

   Off to the fair we went, and we had so much fun! 

  More fun than usual I think, when every second you are there, you are thanking God for His provision.

When every fun snack you taste and ride you ride, remind you of your blessings. 

  When you feel led to take a moment under the lit up midway, to breath a prayer of thanksgiving and ask special favor and blessings on the generous giver, whoever they may be.

  Have I mentioned lately that I think God loves us with a Cherry on top? 

    I love how He lavishes His love on us! It makes these rough patches we are going through so much more tolerable.  It helps me to remember that He hears my whispered prayers, that He feels my heart ache, that He cares enough to provide for my “wants” as well as my needs.  Praise His name!

  Thank you generous giver, for listening to the Lord’s prompting and providing a fun “Cherry on top” experience for our family. 

May you be richly blessed!

Hugs from Dale, Tonya & 4 extra happy little Fergusons 🙂