“Heaven Is For Real”: Part 3 of 3

For those of you just joining me here at 4 little Fergusons, this is the conclusion of a 3 part mini-series. Get caught up here………

Part 1: Confessions of a Stubborn Child of God 

Part 2: Hope For the Hopeless

I read a book recently, no strike that, I DEVOURED a book recently. 

  It’s called Heaven is for Real.

Heaven is for real

  You know, sometimes I think I live in the stone age.  I do NOT watch the news, I don’t get the paper, I don’t even get on MSN and scan the articles.  If Dale doesn’t tell me, or I don’t read about something big on Facebook, I don’t know about it.

  So, when my dad came to visit, and told us about this book he was reading, I had never heard of it before.  He told us a few short stories from the book and we all got goose bumps from head to toe.  I knew I had to have it! 

   Little did I know at the time that EVERYONE is reading this book!  Or that this book is all over the news, that it just hit #1 on the New York Times Best Seller List for Paper Back Non-fiction.  Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back A young boy emerges from life-saving surgery with remarkable stories of his visit to heaven.

Heaven Is for Real is the true story of the four-year old son of a small town Nebraska pastor who during emergency surgery slips from consciousness and enters heaven. He survives and begins talking about being able to look down and see the doctor operating and his dad praying in the waiting room. The family didn’t know what to believe but soon the evidence was clear.

Colton said he met his miscarried sister, whom no one had told him about, and his great grandfather who died 30 years before Colton was born, then shared impossible-to-know details about each. He describes the horse that only Jesus could ride, about how “reaaally big” God and his chair are, and how the Holy Spirit “shoots down power” from heaven to help us.

Told by the father, but often in Colton’s own words, the disarmingly simple message is heaven is a real place, Jesus really loves children, and be ready, there is a coming last battle.

    This book could not have come at a better time for me. (Go figure?! Don’t you love how the Lord works!)  My parched soul gobbled up these amazing stories with renewed promise and hope for the future. 

  This book took away some of the fears of the unknown I had about Heaven.  Most of them in fact!  I now anticipate Heaven with a smile on my face. 

  It reminds me of  a song we used to sing in Sunday school when I was a kid:

“Heaven is a wonderful place, filled with glory and grace. I wanna see my Savior’s face cause Heaven is a wonderful place. Yah, Heaven is a wonderful place.”

  But the thing from this book that grabbed my soul the most?

The part about Colton’s sister in Heaven.  The one his mom miscarried before him.  One they had never mentioned to him.

  This is what I read:

———————————————————————————————————————

“Mommy I have 2 sisters.” Colton said.

Sonja looked up from her paperwork……..

“….I have 2 sisters.  You had a baby die in your tummy, didn’t you?”

  At that moment, time stopped in the Burpo household and Sonja’s eyes grew wide…….

“Who told you I had a baby die in my tummy?” Sonya said, her tone serious.

“She did, mommy. She said she died in your tummy.”

  Then Colton turned and started to walk away. He had said what he had to say and was ready to move on.  But after the bomb he’d just dropped, Sonja was only getting started…..

  I knew what my wife had to be feeling. Losing that baby was the most painful event of her life.  We had explained it to Cassie, she was older.  But we hadn’t told Colton, judging the topic a bit beyond a 4 year old’s capacity to understand.  From the table, I watched emotions rioted across Sonja’s face.

   “It’s okay, Mommy,” he said.  “She’s okay. God adopted her.”

  Sonja slid off the couch and knelt down in front of Colton so that she could look him in the eyes.  “Don’t you mean Jesus adopted her?” she said.

  “No, Mommy, His Dad did!”

  Sonja turned and looked at me.  In that moment, she later told me, she was trying to stay calm, but she was overwhelmed.  Our baby….was –is!- a girl, she thought.

  Sonja focused on Colton, and I could hear the effort it took to steady her voice, “So what did she look like?”

  “She looked a lot like Cassie,” Colton said, “she is just a little bit smaller, and she has dark hair.”

Sonja’s dark hair.

  As I watched, a blend of pain and joy played across my wife’s face.  Cassie and Colton have my blonde hair.  She had even jokingly complained to me before, “I carry these kids for nine months, and they both come out looking like you!”  Now there was a child who looked like her.  A daughter.  I saw the first hint of moisture in my wife’s eyes.

Now Colton went on without prompting.  “In heaven, this little girl ran up to me, and she wouldn’t stop hugging me,” he said, his tone clearly indicated he didn’t enjoy all this hugging from a girl.

  “Maybe she was just happy that someone from her family was there,” Sonya offered.  “Girls hug.  When we’re happy, we hug.”

  Colton didn’t seem convinced.

  Sonja’s eyes lit up and she asked, “What was her name? What was the little girl’s name?”

  Colton seemed to forget about all the yucky girl hugs for a moment.  “She doesn’t have a name.  You guys didn’t name her.”

  How did he know that?

  “You’re right, Colton,”  Sonja said.  “We didn’t even know she was a she.” 

Then Colton said something that still rings in my ears:

“Yeah, she just can’t wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven.”

  We wanted to believe our unborn child had gone to heaven. Even though the Bible is largely silent on this point, we had accepted it on faith.  But now, we had an eyewitness a daughter we had never met was waiting eagerly for us in eternity.

———————————————————————————————————————

I couldn’t breath.  I had to read that whole section again.  The words that echoed in my soul:

“Yeah, she just can’t wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven.”

  My heart was pounding and tears were not even yet forming, when I laid the book down on my chest and just stared at the ceiling, trying to fully comprehend what I had just read.  This was big.

Reallyreally BIG.

I would get to meet my babies in Heaven?

They would KNOW who I was?

  I could HUG THEM?!

  They were excited to meet me?

  THEY WERE EXCITED TO MEET ME!

  Wait, I am their Momma, even in Heaven?!

  Suddenly, those 4 little Heavenly Ferguson’s became very real to me.  As real as my 4 little Ferguson’s here on earth.  As real as being able to wrap my arms around them to touch them.  To kneel down, arms flung wide for those babies to come racing into them with shouts of “Mommy! Mommy! You’re here!”  To strokes those precious little faces and marvel at which sibling they look like, to bury my nose in their hair and just LOVE on them.

  I buried my face in my hands and wept.  Shoulders shaking, sobs wracking my body.  I am sobbing again as I write this to you at 4 in the morning.  I have lain in my bed all night dozing, dreaming and pondering what I just read.

  I so desperately needed to hear that.  Desperately. 

  I have never been able to move past that dark little corner of fear, of sadness, in the corner of my soul, way down down deep, that I would never know my lost children.

After 5 years of trying not to stew about it, to feel the loss of it over and over as I pictured them, what I was reading was changing everything I knew.  Blurry images of unreachable children, whom I’d never meet face to face, who would never know I was their mommy or that I loved them dearly, were replaced with something new.  New happy images of a joyous reunion. 

  All this time I had just been trying to be thankful that I they lived in Heaven with their Heavenly Father.  That needed to be enough. Or so I thought.

      I imagined begging Jesus for just a glimpse of them.  Just point them out to me for a moment so I can see them.  Just give me the knowledge that I am their mommy, if only for a second, before taking away all titles again.  You have to remember I was born and raised believing that we wouldn’t know or recognize each other in Heaven.  This was so hard for me to think of, not only for my family here on earth, but the family members that have gone before us too.

  Once the tears stopped, and I gathered my thoughts again, I was filled with JOY

Pure joy. 

  I felt so loved and understood by my Heavenly Father at that moment.  He knew my heart, He knew I needed to read this book, He wanted me to know JUST HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME.  Colton said it over and over in his book, just how much God, the Father, loves us.  He loves us dearly.

  You need to get this book. 

 It is filled with beautiful images of Heaven, a picture of Jesus Colton picked out as “the one”. (interestingly drawn by a little girl who also visited Heaven in a dream)  It is filled with rainbow colors we’ve not yet experienced, animals of every kind, families reunited, a God who draws a little boy up onto His lap, a glimpse down at earth from heaven, a beautiful place “where no one is old and no one wear’s glasses”.

  I am not being asked to review this book.  I am writing this from my heart as I still work to grasp the magnitude of what I just read.  And for the first time?

 I am truly excited for Heaven. 

  Don’t get me wrong, I knew it was the place I wanted to go, but the fear of the unknown, the fear of “losing” my family, or I should say the knowledge that they were my family was a big issue.  An issue that is no longer.

  This week, anticipating Mother’s Day has never been sweeter. 

I am Tonya Ferguson, mommy to 8 little Ferguson’s, and I am BLESSED beyond measure.

“Colton, what do you want people to know from your story?”

“I want them to know heaven is for real.”

~T

There is Hope for the Hopeless: Part 2 of 3

   When I stopped yesterday, I had just walked away from my dream of another child, knowing full well, that I may never hold a flesh-of-my-flesh, new baby in my arms again. 

The rest of my story is a happy one.  2 weeks after my 4th miscarriage, and my time of repentance before God, we conceived.  Yes, you read that right.  Just 14 days after that final miscarriage, a miraculous healing from the Lord occurred in my body to prepare it to hold tightly to the new life that was residing in me. 

In 14 days.

We went on to have a boy.  A perfect, healthy, bouncy baby boy.  His name? 

Tylan Zachary: meaning “God Remembered”. 

Funny, I am pretty sure He never forgot, maybe it should mean “Mommy Remembered”.  Mommy remembered that she is not in control, and God’s ways are better than our own.

Wow.

I didn’t deserve it. 

  Why would the Lord grant me my heart’s desires so quickly after 2 years of blatant disobedience to Him?  What a God of GRACE we serve!!!!

  Each time I became pregnant again, 3 times in 3 years, we fought fear.  We did.  I think that’s just human nature.  And each time we successfully made it through “the Danger Zone”, we breathed a collective sigh of relief, and praised Him for another new life, another surprise miracle on Earth.  

  I LOVE the fact that all 4 of our kids were surprises to us. 

  And how profound that the 4 I tried to make happen, reside in Heaven. 

Remember that song by Eric Clapton…..”Tears in Heaven”? 

“Beyond the door,
There’s peace I’m sure.
And I know there’ll be no more…
Tears in heaven.”

And in the words of my Father in Heaven:

Rev 7:17 For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water; and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.”

Rev 21:4b “…and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain any more, for the former things have passed away.”

Thank you Lord for seeing fit to fill my arms with my 4 little Ferguson’s here on earth……I am truly grateful.

 I knew there would be no tears in Heaven.  I knew Heaven was perfect, so why was I lying awake at night, stewing that I may never get to meet those sweet babies?  Heaven was going to be great, I was going to be happy, what was there to worry about? 

Even after that day of releasing my dreams of more children here on Earth, and receiving my new-found freedom in Christ, even after we went on to have 3 more successful pregnancy’s, the questions in my mind remained…..

Will my 4 little Heavenly Ferguson’s know my name when I get to Heaven?

  Or will I just have knowledge, that they were once mine? 

  Will they have physical features that I may recognize them by, like Destiny’s impish grin, Tylan’s squishy kissy-lips, Avery’s almond shape baby blues or Paxton’s big round shaped eyes? 

157116031 (2)016Ty5Destiny8IMG_1261165

Dare I hope, that I will be greeted with shouts of “Momma!”? 

  Will I be allowed to sweep them up in my arms, even for a moment, to kiss those precious faces? 

    A woman’s tendency is to quietly ponder things in her heart, and that is just what I continued to do. 

      I had been raised to believe that once we entered Heaven, we’d no longer have the title “Mother” or “Wife”, that instead we would be Children of the King and the Bride of Christ.  And why would we need to be more than that? We’d be in Paradise with our Heavenly Father!

    Still, in the back of my mind, deep in my heart, I struggled to let that desire to meet my children in Heaven go.  I struggled to not feel fearful that even my earthly children may not know who I am in Heaven.  None of that would matter, right?! Right?!

  But I WANTED to know Dale and my kids in Heaven.  I WANTED to meet those little lost babies I never had the privilege of holding in my arms.  I sought the Lord for years about this, and then He brought me this book:

Heaven Is For Real”.

  Everything.  Just.  Changed. 

Conclusion tomorrow….

~T

Confessions of a Stubborn Child of God: Part 1 of 3

  It’s Mother’s Day week.  Once again I am bombarded with emotions I can’t always sort through.  This may be the epitome of bitter-sweet. 

  I wonder how many years the sad will collide with the happy this week:

I am the Mommy to 4 beautiful little miracles here on earth. 

Fergusons2

I am the Mommy of 4 little ones in Heaven.  

angel4

  It was the Thursday before Mother’s Day, when I lost my 4th baby. 

 It was the Thursday before Mother’s Day that everything changed for me. 

It was the Thursday before Mother’s Day, that I became free from a heavy heavy burden I had strapped on my own shoulders. 

 It was the Thursday before Mother’s Day, that my arms were freed from the buckets of cement I had been dragging for 2 long, emotionally exhausting years of ‘trying’.

Trying to make a baby. 

Trying to keep a baby. 

Trying to let go of all my preconceived notions of what I “deserved”, what I had dreamed of my WHOLE life, but never really doing it.

  I spent nearly 2 years operating within my own will.

Never letting go, never giving my dream to a Heavenly Father who was asking so gently to have it.  A Heavenly Father who loves me too much to just take it from me.  

 First miscarriage, I was scared, but had hope it was a fluke, just one of “those things”. Second miscarriage, I was scared and sad.  I spent a lot of time crying and worrying.  At this point, my fears were really taking hold.  Maybe I really would only have 1 child of my flesh here on earth.  By the 3rd miscarriage, I was just plain ANGRY! I felt justified in my anger, I didn’t need to let go, I just needed to move forward, try harder. 

And I did, stubbornly embracing my own way….. 

I could have a baby.  I didn’t need God’s help or permission.  What had that gotten me before except 3 lost babies?

Let the charting, pillow propping, fertile day testing, baby making begin. 

And shortly thereafter, success.  

Would this baby be “THE ONE”? The one that would make it and join us here on earth?

  2 weary, stubborn years after our journey to have another baby began, I lost that baby who was not “the one” after all.  I lost the baby the week of Mother’s Day, this brought the miscarriage count to 4. 

  You mean after making it all those weeks, I miscarry Mother’s Day week?!  Life was so unfair!  How was I supposed to face the world with a rounded, oh-so empty tummy?  How was I going to survive a Mother’s Day service at church just a few days away?

My trying didn’t work.  My plan had failed, and I was…….

Broken.  

So very broken and weary. It’s exhausting to act outside of God’s will.  It’s exhausting to run a show that was not mine to run.  I was so very sorry for my stubborn ways.  Sorry I had written my own agenda and left the Lord in the dust in my plans. But guess what?

He wasn’t left in the dust at all.  He never had been.

  Instead, He was walking next to me every step of the way, He was carrying me, cement buckets and all, at the times I was too weak and burdened to even stand on my own.  He was there with open arms just asking, so gently, so lovingly, if I would give my burdens to Him, my fears, my losses, my dreams.  He was asking me to leap and trust Him and His perfect plan of parenthood for Dale and I.

  That Thursday before Mother’s Day, I stumbled to the feet of Jesus, broken-hearted, stooped over, slumped shoulders, dragging my buckets of cement, and I fell to my face before Him. 

I let everything go. 

I gave it all to Him and He set me free.

  He lifted my chin, dried my tears, and told me I was loved. He straightened my shoulders and promised it would be okay. He wrapped me in His arms and gave me the most peace and hope I had experienced to date.  Maybe even EVER. 

  So undeserving was I, so foolish were my choices, my “entitlement” of the past 2 years.  Yet He loved me enough to get my attention.  He loved me enough to give me His peace when I couldn’t achieve it on my own. 

 IMG_9527copyPICNIKb&w _129 (2)  That Thursday before Mother’s Day, I walked away from my need to have another baby here on earth.

   I walked away from it, knowing that I may never hold a flesh of my flesh new baby in my arms again. 

And you know what?

 I was ok with that.  I was going to be ok with that because my Heavenly Father’s plans are so much better than mine.

  Freedom never felt so good.

More tomorrow…..

~T

4 little Ferguson’s, 4 big Miracles

As I held Paxton in my arms today, I was reflecting on my life, and the journey it took for us to get to these 4 little Ferguson’s that fill our home with giggles and grins……..

I remember as a newlywed, discussing with Dale how long we’d wait to have children.  He was at a commission only job, and thought 4 years would be good.  I was hoping for more like 1 or 2! I was sitting in church one Sunday, and a little baby boy was peeking his head over his momma’s shoulder at me.  My heart swelled, my eyes filled with tears and I squeezed Dale’s hand tight and asked, how can I wait so long for my dream to come true?  All my life I had wanted to be a wife and mother!  I had been a wife for 8 months now, couldn’t we get to the mother part?  Sensible Dale, and his good money management, said we needed to wait so I could be a stay at home mommy.  I sighed, wiped my tears and agreed. Yes, I could definitely wait 4 years, if it meant I could stay at home with my baby. Little did I know, we were already TWO MONTHS PREGNANT!  We didn’t figure it out until one day I came home from work SO excited about supper!!!!!! I had run to 2 different stores to gather the things necessary to make this extraordinary meal of…….

Mac n cheese, little smokies and  fluffy white rolls.

Remember that school lunch?  Man I loved it!  To say Dale was disappointed, would be a major understatement!!!  He thought for sure, I surprising him with a steak dinner.  He looked at me like I was CRAZY!

Between that bizarre supper, the flu-like symptoms I had for a month now, and me bawling over Dale saying he was getting rid of the dog, we figured out it was time for me to pee on a stick.  Yup, pregnant!  We cried, we laughed, we sat there in complete shock.  So much for our 4 year plan.  But what about me staying home?  There was NO WAY we could live off Dale’s income.  With commission only, we never knew when the next check was coming!

15 months into our marriage, little 7 lb. 11 oz., Destiny Joy came to be part of our home, and guess who got to be at home with her from the very beginning? Yup! Me!  God answered our prayers for me to be a stay at home mom.  He laughed at our 4 year plan and gave me the desires of my heart, well before the 4 year mark.  And you know, the numbers never did add up right for us to “afford” for me to quit my job. But month after month, He provided. Sometimes by a bill coming with credit on it, even though I had only paid the stated amount the month before. Or an unexpected refund check would come in the mail.  And man, $50 used to go far at Aldi’s! (like the woman with the oil jar in the Bible) I NEVER do that good there now! lol 🙂  God provided for our each and EVERY need, all because we trusted in Him!  Praise His name!

When Destiny turned 2, we decided it was time to try for another little Ferguson.  I got pregnant in Bahamas, but I also got food poisoning from some bad crab……I was sick for 10 days, oh the misery!  Later, I lost our first baby. 😦  I was heartbroken.  We decided to try again, and a few months later, got a positive test.  Yay!  A little brother or sister for Destiny.  Again, we miscarried. Again, I went to the clinic every day to have blood drawn to follow the pregnancy hormones back to zero.  Again the humiliation of losing a child.  (I don’t know why, but you really feel like you did something wrong!)  Destiny says “It’s ok momma, our baby is in Heaven with Jesus and the angels.”     Now the fear was starting to set in.  I had been very, very, sick after Destiny’s birth, with infection, and spent months in bed. Could it have damaged me?  Was I EVER going to carry another child to term again?  The Lord blessed me with a special verse to cling to:

(  ) = my personalization

Ephesians 3: 14-19 When I think of the wisdom and scope of God’s plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the creator of everything in Heaven and on earth.  I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will give (me) mighty inner strength through his Holy Spirit.  And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in (my) heart as I trust in him.  May (my) roots go down deep in the soil of God’s marvelous love.  And may (I) have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high and how deep his love really is.  May (I) experience the love of Christ, though it is so great (I) will never fully understand it.  Then (I) will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”

The fullness of life, I just knew that was God’s promise, that I would be pregnant once again.  I clung to a small strand of hope that it was true, praying it would be so and done to His honor and glory, begging Him night after night, to let me carry another child to term, to let another baby live down here on earth with me.

6 months later, I found out I was pregnant again.  Praise be to God!   We made it far enough along, that we told people, and I was starting to wear maternity clothes.  Then, miscarriage number 3 occurred.  How humiliating it was to “un-tell” people!!  Now I was just mad!  How could God do this to me? He gave me that verse about fullness of life!!!!!  My life long dream was to have 4-6 kids, and it was just not happening!

I told Him I was ticked, and no longer would be talking to Him about having a baby.  I would run this show myself!   We saw a specialist and they ran $10,000 worth of blood and genetic tests.  They all came back normal.  There was no reason my body couldn’t carry another baby to term.  So, we went home, me more determined than ever, and started counting days, and all that hoopla that entails.  We conceived, and this time I almost made it to the end of the first trimester.  I was in full maternity clothes, and feeling great;  THIS was going to be THE pregnancy, I just knew it!  The Thursday before Mother’s Day, I miscarried my 4th baby in 2 years.  This time I broke.  I sobbed, I repented, I gave it all to my Abba Father, my daddy in Heaven.  I confessed my stubbornness, and my pride.  I laid my desire of having more children on the altar, and stepped back and let go.  What a scary thing to do!  I felt sad, yet so very much at peace. I knew this was what God had been asking me to do all along.

On May 24th, Dale and I reached our 5th anniversary.  We celebrated, as most married couples do (wink wink) just to celebrate, with no thoughts of a baby, and conceived just 2 weeks after our 4th miscarriage.  For those of you unfamiliar with miscarriage, your body usually takes a good 6 months to “reset” from a miscarriage, and prepare for another cycle.  What a miracle! Our due date was February 14th.  Our anniversary baby had a Valentine’s day due date….how romantic! 🙂

Tylan Zachary Ferguson came into the world on February 15th, after 3 months of bed rest and lots of medication to keep me pregnant.  He was a hearty, healthy 9 1/2 pounds.  Oh, how my heart leapt for joy to have another baby in my arms and home.  Destiny was 3 1/2 at this time and SO happy to have a baby brother!  She would sit and hold him, an hour at a  time, stroking his face, and telling him how special he was.

After all our troubles, it was explained to us, that we may never have another baby again, we were sad, but ok.  We were SO very thankful for our 2! We now had a boy and a girl, our family could be complete, and I was going to learn to be content with my 2 on earth and 4 in Heaven.  I figured that was God’s way of giving me my 6 kids.

Then, one morning, I woke up very abruptly, and sat straight up in my bed.  The first thing I thought was “Hmm, since we are out of bedrooms, the new baby could sleep in the basinet in the corner of our room.”  WHAT?  My heart started racing, what a weird dream!  But, wait, hold on…..I HAD been feeling lousy, and bloated, and nauseous….oh my word! Could we be pregnant?  I was still nursing my 10 month old full-time and hadn’t had a cycle yet!  I took a test, went to the doctor and found out……WE WERE 15 WEEKS PREGNANT!!!!!  My 10 month old was going to be a big brother!

Oh. My. Goodness.

Avery Lyn Ferguson was born on my 27th birthday, 5 days early no less!  She was 10 pounds, 3 oz.  Another natural delivery, another miracle brought into our lives!  Her pregnancy was, by the book perfect, with the exception of some leg problems (nerve damage from Ty’s pregnancy), but nothing life threatening to either of us.  I was so thankful for another healthy baby, but started praying that God would allow my body at least a 2 year break, since it seemed to be “fixed” of our previous problem of staying pregnant.  With a 4-year-old and 2 babies, 17 months apart, I was SO happy, but SO exhausted! 

And wouldn’t you know, He allowed us to get pregnant again…this baby due right after Avery turned 2.  Isn’t God funny? He TOTALLY has a sense of humor!  He gave me my 2 year “break”.  Dale told me next time I should pray more specifically.  Like that I wouldn’t GET pregnant until the 2 year mark, not that the next baby be BORN at the 2 year mark.   🙂

Pregnancy number 8, in 8 years, was hard on this ol’ body.  I had more complications with this final pregnancy than ever before.  Paxton was diagnosed with a Complete Circumvallate Placenta.  This means the placenta was not properly attached, which allows a thick, round white and opaque ring of membranes to slowly cover the placenta, limiting minerals, nutrients and oxygen to Paxton throughout the pregnancy.  We started praying right then and there, that God would feed our baby, since my body could not!

Pregnant women who experience circumvallate placenta, are at a very high risk to deliver a premature baby or have a miscarriage. You can imagine how often I fought the spirit of fear those first 25 weeks! I started contracting at 14 weeks, and I spent the next 6 months on bed rest, and once again, saw a specialist.  It’s so hard to not be fearful when you have a history of losing babies, so DAILY, HOURLY, I had to give my fears to Him.  Pleading with the Lord to allow this baby to live here on earth, with me.

God gave me another special verse to cling to, this time through a dear friend:

Psalms 23:7 (TLB):  “(She) will not fear bad news, nor live in dread of what will happen. For (she) has settled in her mind, that Jehovah will take care of (Paxton).”

Wow, how powerful!  And what a promise. Oh, how I clung to that verse like a life line!

Paxton Clay came into the world at a whopping 10 pounds 3 oz!  Not only had God fed Paxton for me, He fed him WELL!  🙂  What a miracle!  The perimeter of the placenta was 95% covered in that white opaque band, and still we had a BIG healthy boy.  I get chills and teary eyed just thinking about it, and the miracle occurring in my womb all along, God was providing my little Paxton with the food and oxygen he needed to live. Praise the Lord!

So here we are, Dale, Tonya & 4 little Ferguson’s….. 

God has answered my hearts desires, and I am living my very own dream come true!  I often think about my 4 babies in Heaven, and look forward to the day when I can kiss those sweet faces.  Until then, I know they are safe in the arms of their Abba Father, their Daddy in Heaven, and for that, I can be truly thankful. 

“No one else knows the strength of my love for you. After all, you’re the only ones who know what my heart sounds like from the inside.”
 

~T