It’s that time at our house.
You know, time for “The Birds & The Bees” talk.
A few days before Destiny turned 9, she asked if maybe it was time for us to have a talk.
“A talk?” I asked
“Ya, you know, about sex and babies and stuff. I am ready to know how it all works.”
We talked a bit more, and she asked some good questions. I told her intelligent questions would be met with intelligent answers. So I talked to Dale and we planned a little time with Destiny after the kids went to bed to explain things to her.
Here are some of the highlights:
We used correct and simple terms.
We showed her diagrams of male and female genitalia. We told her girls have 3 holes: one for pee, one for poop and the one in the middle is for babies. That babies are made inside the same hole they come out of.
We showed a video of sperm racing to find the egg. She thought it was super cool that the egg only lets one in {sometimes 2}, before closing up and going on a journey! We talked about how God picks which sperm meets which egg, and they determine whether you have brown hair or blonde, are good at piano, are a night owl…..all things already planned out when the two meet.
This video is incredible! It shows the miracle of life from conception without going into too much detail.
“That happened when God made me? Neat!”
We told her sex was a beautiful gift for married couples to enjoy. We told her it was fun, and it was perfect because the man and women parts fit together like a puzzle.
She said, Ew a few times, and Cool a few times.
We told her that was normal. 🙂
We pray every night over our children that they’d save themselves for marriage, and that they would hang on to their purity for the treasure it is. Even almost 4-year-old Avery can tell you she doesn’t want a “Swiss Cheese heart” full of holes. She wants to save her whole heart and all her kisses for her husband. Tylan prays that he would be a Godly man, and he prays for his future wife, that she’d be a Proverbs 31 wife and that she’d save herself for him. PRECIOUS. We pray for Tylan and Paxton to have a covenant with their eyes not to look upon anything impure, that they will save themselves for marriage, heart, body and mind.
Guys, they are LISTENING! They are parroting back prayers that have been spoken over them all their lives. If you haven’t already started praying for this, it’s not too late! The power of prayer is incredible! And what a great teaching tool.
My response to Destiny was calm.
Purposeful.
I encourage you to take a similar approach. When mom or dad, stutter, stammer, avoid the subject, or act disgusted, you are telling them sex is dirty. It is embarressing. That they did something wrong, by even asking.
This could not be further than the truth.
Do you want them to someday take that unhealthy view of sex into their own marriage bed? Because they really will.
Sex is a beautiful gift from God, intended for married couples to enjoy as they become one body, one spirit, one flesh. I want our children to understand how beautiful, amazing, and special it is. God designed it to be mind-blowing. It was intended for more than reproduction, it was intended for…PLEASURE.
In a Sex-at-9 society, if we aren’t talking to our kids about sex, the world is. It’s being sold on TV and in just about every movie out there. It’s being whispered on the bus ride home, it’s being tried out at boy-girl parties. Yes, as early as age 9. THAT, my friends, is highly disturbing.
You have a choice:
YOU teach them about sex.
Or
The WORLD will.
“Seize the opportunity while your children are young to start having conversations that will forever shape their sexual character.” Mary Flo Riley, author of Simple Truths.
Making It Meaningful
The sex talk is obviously happening at age 9 at our house, but at age 13, we will take things a step further. We plan to take each child on a special birthday date, talk more about purity, eyes, thoughts, flesh; all of it. We will help them write out some boundaries, review some verses about sex and God’s design for it.
We will present them with a purity ring, just as my parents gave me when I was 13, and encourage them to write a birthday love letter to their future spouse each and every birthday. The girls love to read through my box of love letters to Dale, to try on my purity ring, which will one day be Destiny’s.
This ring is to remind them that purity is a beautiful gift, only given ONCE.
It’s never to late to start talking to your kids about saving themselves for marriage. Telling them about a little boy or little girl our there, RIGHT NOW, being prepared to one day meet them. To one day fall in love with them at the perfect moment in time, all ordained by the Great Author of LOVE Himself!
We Are Giving Our Kids An Incomplete Message!!!!
“The Bible speaks out so plainly against adultery and the misuse of sex, that it’s easy for a young Christian to misinterpret that to mean that sex as a whole is sinful.
In Christian circles we tend to spurt out the “sex is bad before marriage” anthem, without following it up with the “but sex after marriage will rock your socks off!” part.
So on their wedding day, a couple is expected to flip that switch to ‘sex is allowed…we now have a license’, and they spend the first few years of marriage floundering and silently struggling with what they’ve always been lead to believe: “God doesn’t want you to have sex…and He especially doesn’t want you to enjoy it!”. Resentment grows as they try and reconcile what they deeply desire in each other, and what they believe God expects of them.
“The marriage ceremony is simply insufficient to reorient one’s attitude from ‘Thou shalt not’ to ‘Thou shalt—regularly and with great passion!'” – Dr. James Dobson”
Joy has a whole blog post written about this! Go read it!!!! Here are a few of my favorite points:
- Start early:
- Be purposeful & prepared.
- Vital: When they do ask “those” questions, make a point of smiling and responding with “I’m so glad you asked, sweetheart!”. Don’t allow your response or body language to communicate that this is a taboo topic to talk about.
- Children are unabashedly curious about their bodies and the differences between boys and girls, if you don’t answer their questions – eagerly – they’ll find someone else who will.
- Help them recognize that their sexuality is a beautiful part of who they are…for later in life.
- If we wait until our kids are older, we’ve lost a tremendous part of the battle: teenagers are naturally inclined to doubt and wrestle with everything we say. Do you really want to initiate the conversation then?
- Be purposeful & prepared.
- Define your message:
- “This is what I want them to know/believe/value about sex”
- Make the message your own – what is important and valued in your family – boil it down to a few overarching statements about sex.
- Don’t make it sensual for little ones, just basic biology. The “dangers and pleasures” of the sex talk come later.
- Examine your own sexual baggage – we don’t want to pass off our pain and baggage to our kids. Set it aside {or better yet, work/pray through it} and present the most positive picture.
- Explain Reproduction:
- Use everyday examples to teach them that “by God’s design…protected deep inside every living creature is the potential for new life”
- Explain Conception –Start painting the picture of sexual intimacy now…allowing them to first see only a hazy view of it…add detail and depth as they get older and more mature.
- Continuing the Conversation:
- When billboards or ads depict intimate moments between a couple, teach them that sexuality is very private and “no one should ever watch”…helps them know how to handle unexpected pornography exposure {which can show up astonishingly early}.
- Show them how important the decisions they make are. Their teenage years are so short in relation to the rest of their lives, and yet the decisions they make during that time have huge consequences.
Remember, give simple TRUTH in real terms, never undermining the beautiful, smokin’ hot gift from God, sex really is.
~T
Are you struggling with a healthy image of sex in your own marriage? Then read this blog about Re-discovering RED HOT Manogomy by Joy of Simply Bloom. It’ll make your toes curl.
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4 little Fergusons 
You are so right! We NEED to be open with our kids about sex,marriage and love! I love how you told Destiny! You did a very good job. I hope that when it comes time in out house we can do the same. Thanks for the encouragement!:)
You guys are such good parents! Makes me wish mine were small again so I could use you as role models. But I am enjoying this phase of life too much to actually start over with diapers again-LOL!!
You shared a very important message, Tonya, about the importance of parents explaining life to their children.<3
Good Post Tonya!! As you already know we had to have this talk with our oldest at 9 1/2 last year it came after the 5th graders at school had been through their parent approved talks through the school which happens at 5th grade, some of those 5th Graders thought it was a great idea to get on the bus and tell all the 4th Graders things and it was NOT the right things so our 9 year old came home very confused and with lots of questions, and it came so fast and so urgent that we did not have any time to get prepared with the book we planned to show her or the diagrams or anything like that but the way you told Destiny is so much like how we did it, and how it all came about with them coming to you with questions instead of you sitting down with them which in the long run I am kind of glad she wanted to know first and we did not have to sit her down before she was ready!!! So it was nice to read another parent that wants to impart the same things we do!!! 🙂 – Great Job Momma!!
Great post, Tonya!
Oh T…what an awesome and beautiful post!! Thank you for making a seemingly difficult parenting job seem so simple. God bless you and yours richly!!!XO
Tonya, this is a fantastic post. I know it will be a while before I have this talk with baby Alice, but this is great to ruminate on.
Wonderful post My oldest granddaughter will be that age very soon and as another important person in her young life we to have to be prepared for what might be asked when we are spending time with them as well.
I don’t mean that we will be the ones to talk to them about it but it’s still good to be ready with the right answer should the topic come up.
You just never know what kids will say or ask when your sending special time with them !
Amen!
Tonya,
Thank you so much for your post yesterday! Not only did it help me make a plan for my little girls and guy but also I lead a bible study at our home on tuesdays and I shared the Simply Bloom post on Red Hot Manogomy the entire 13 pages and it really spoke to all of the ladies that come. It is defiantly something a lot of women struggle with. The guilt, the past, putting his needs first really all of it. Thank you for sharing and letting God use you as a tool to get His thoughts on Sex, Marriage and what a blessing boths of those are!
Katie
Tonya,
Interesting that you posted that this week. I have been looking at purity rings this week for my daughter Celeste. It’s hard to believe she will be 13. I then realized that Herb and I haven’t had any time with our son Ben who turned 16 in May. So we began to look with me also so we could find a ring that he would like to wear. He knows all about all that. Herb has had talks with him. Thanks for sharing how you are doing things. Love All your ideas.
You say: “Even almost 4-year-old Avery can tell you she doesn’t want a “Swiss Cheese heart” full of holes. She wants to save her whole heart and all her kisses for her husband. Tylan prays for his future wife, that she’d be a Proverbs 31 wife and that she’d save herself for him.” Well, what about your boys? Why is it, with evangelical Christians, that the WOMEN are the ones who are supposed to stay “pure”? Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with pre-marital sex– some safe experimentation is normal. The focus on staying “pure” is a fetish. However, if you believe that’s important, it should be important across the board— it should not just be women who are forced to stay “pure,” as if their greatest value is in their virginity. What a sick, sad concept. So much wrong with this– it is a symptom of the unfortunate culture we raise our daughters in today (and of cultures past, of course). A culture where women are sex objects– virgin objects or whore objects. This is also played out in this statement by Dale: “Watch a woman sometime, you know the one: She walks by a group of guys in a crowd, waiting for them to roam over her with their eyes before she walks on. She likes it, she feeds off of it. What you see occur is her lust spirit attaching to theirs and vice versa, and once you are aware of it you can actually see and feel it occur. Disgusting.” Disgusting? Really? God forbid those evil whore-women try to tempt men (who cannot control themselves) into looking at their “disgusting” sexual bodies. Women and men are both sexual– they both have desires– they both CHOOSE whether or not to stay faithful to their spouse. I have a daughter. I will not be telling her that her greatest value is in her virginity. I will certainly NOT be giving her a purity ring. I will NOT be telling her that her husband is the “spiritual head of the household.” My daughter will learn that her beauty and her sexuality are not the most important things about her— I want her to become a full person, to have opinions, to have a calling– be it house wife or lawyer or artist. I want her to have a marriage that is equal– companionship, respect and trust. I know of adult women, raised as evangelical Christians, who feel guilty for even having sex with their SPOUSES— because all their lives sex was seen as a dirty, dirty secret thing that only whore women did. Sex in marriage can be great– you are right about that. But the lessons you are teaching your sons and daughters is a dangerous one that will sick with them for the rest of their lives.
We talk to the boys about purity too, although since this post was about Destiny, I mostly focused on our girls. Sorry if I did not represent both sides well, I have since updated the post, because Tylan prays that he would be a Godly man and save himself for marriage as well. He hears us pray for the boys in our home to have a covenant with their eyes not to look upon anything impure, that they will save themselves for marriage, heart, body and mind. This is a very important part of our prayer time!
According to God’s word, a man looking at a woman with lust in his heart, is the same as having sex with her. That was the point of that quoted statement from Dale. In the game of Lust, everyone is a loser. In a beautiful picture of purity and love, God reigns supreme.
The most important thing I can teach my children, is to seek God FIRST, to seek Him ALWAYS….if they do this, everything else will fall into place.
Thanks for taking the time to comment,
Tonya
Phew… girl! Love that you are bold to talk about stuff no one wants to talk about. Thanks for sharing truth (even when others don’t see it that way) + how you’ve been so purposeful & planful about talking to your kids about sex… both the boys + the girls… and that it’s NOT complete to only share the “sin is bad before marriage” message.
so glad you linked up to mercyINK. – lauren
I read this when you first posted this and marked it for referring to later. Well now is later for hubby and me. We are having a talk with our 9 yr old daughter this weekend. She has been asking questions and so many of your points are so right on. I appreciate your frankness and I too want to make sure my girls are not ashamed or fearful (as I was) – Thank you so much for sharing!!!
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I still find this post a tad sad. In that a purity ring suggests that marriage is the only answer to live a fulfilled godly live. What of people who never get married? My twin is 40 years old, pure, and has never found a mate. I doubt she will ever have kids, even if she finds a mate now and this makes her sad. But if one believes their mate will complete them or some such thing, won’t they have too high expectations? Seems God doesn’t give everyone a perfect mate. Marriage isn’t easy either, and sometimes I think an idyllized view of marriage is what writing a note to your future mate each year on your birthday does. Seems like girls reading princess/Disney books/movies and expecting life to be like that. It just isn’t real. (And no, I am not advocating loose sex, having sex before marriage, etc. Just don’t understand why making marriage such a neccesary thing in the life of a child. If my son never finds a mate, I still want him to be happy and to live a good life.)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I Corinthians 7:1-10 has a lot to say about this subject: “Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. 2 But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. 8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.”
I don’t want my kids to think marriage is the end all, cure all, but I DO want them to understand how special it is to think, dream and pray about this man or women, wherever they are. And you know what, if the Lord has called them to NOT marry, as He does for some….then I know, there will be a time or a place along the line, that they will began to see and know this. At that point, our job will be to help encourage and pray for them to use the “Gift” of Singlehood.
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